Differences...

Monday, May 31, 2010

I'm here, you are there. You're happy, and I am miserable. You hate boys, I only surround myself with respectful MEN. I am alone, you have your family. You don't trust me, but I must trust you. I live alone with my kids... hahah, yea I'll leave that alone. I love people, you are paranoid.

I'm open-minded, you're views are...how shall i say this, just your views. You're entitled. I would do anything for you, you just say it. I get frustrated, you get agitated. Why is this? I try to live my life, you start a argument to make me feel guilty. Let's break it down....

New Year’s Day
Valentine's Day
Memorial Day
Independence Day
Labor Day
Sweetest Day
Thanksgiving Day
Christmas Day
and all those other bullshit Hallmark holidays!

Yea, I was right, we spent NONE together. Not because of anything that I was doing because I was here ALONE.

As much as I hate to say it after so much time has passed "let me go." Let me be happy. Let me remember you as the person you once were before the truth came out not the man that you are right now. We are from two different worlds and yes "i am different, i am unique, i am me! But know that I am a real woman, with real feelings and how dare you try to take that away. This is not my call. You want to be the "MAN" then do the "Manly" thing and.....Let me go....

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Aaaaaaahhhhhhh!!!

Sunday, May 30, 2010



Yes people, this is exactly how I feel right now!

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Full Circle...

Thursday, May 27, 2010





When the dust has cleared all the hate has drifted away.

No response needed... Really how can I do that! I can now heal the wound that was left. I can now remember the good times that we had. I can also mourn the child that we never had. At this point in my life i need to just live. Not for anyone else but for myself. I've been thru a lot and really trying to forget my past doesn't help a thing in moving forward. You were a part of my life i cannot erase nor do I want to. As with all experiences, you remember them.

In the end I hated you and everything that you stood for but that was in the end. BEFORE, well back then I did love you, I mean that I still love you just in a different way that is appropriate for our life now. I watched you grow. Watched you bloom once again into a great father whilst allowing me into your children's life. I watched you yearn for a better life but didn't quite know what the next step was. Of course I knew what that step was but I'm realizing that this was not my lesson to give but rather observe. I cannot "fix" everything and I really may have overstepped my boundaries. I cannot make the man I simply needed to "compliment" the man. While Nattie is no good at keeping her mouth shut, Natasha with a bleeding tongue was foaming at the mouth and yet this was not me!

What went wrong? How can this be made right? Can we still be friends? The answers are I don't know, I don't know & I don't know (with my serious face). I love(d) this man...Do I still...

A child that to the doctors was never there. I mean I have the surgery to prove that it was there...rather ectopic but afterwards the only reasoning was that there was no possible way. But God made a way. He spoke and said something but what was it? I dreamed of having a son and maybe this pregnancy was going to fulfill that dream. We will never know but being that in a couple of weeks/months I will be having a hysterectomy and my biological dreams of motherhood will be over. I feel that child's presence and know that (s)he is near me. Those moments were the best and worse that could have happened in those couple of days. As I sit here and think about it and the tears flow down my face I'm saddened and heartbroken. Would this have "fixed" the relationship? I'm really not sure and I cannot change the past because I only move forward.

William Shakespeare said "The wheel is come full circle.” I truly believe so because I now can speak to you when I never thought that I could again.


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So true...

"There are things that we never want to let go of, people we never want to leave behind. But keep in mind that letting go isn’t the end of the world, it’s the beginning of a new life.”

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My REBIRTH...

Sunday, May 23, 2010




Damn Weezy you droppin lyrics like this...

"I know what they don’t wanna tell you
Just hope you’re heaven-sent, and you’re hell-proof
I-I walk up in the world and cut the lights off
And confidence is the stain they can’t wipe off

Huh, my word is my pride
But wisdom is bleak, and that’s a word from the wise
Served to survive, murdered and bribed
And when it got too heavy I put my burdens aside

Bitch, I’ma pick the world up and I’ma drop it on your f*ckin’ head
And I could die now, Rebirth motherf*cker
Hop up in my spaceship and leave Earth, motherf*cker
I’m gone"


So reckless! I love it!... So, I've been here for about 2.5 months now and been checking my counter. At my last pass thru 645 of ya'll have blessed my pages with your presence and comments. I appreciate all of ya'll!

I know at times we all get to a point in our life when it seems that no-one understands the way that you feel and you just need someone to listen, talk or in my case write about it. I could not be who I am without you, seriously all ya'll. Ya'll give me drive to put something out new, original... something that's not like the next blog or one that you've read before. We are all adults and don't pay no attention to the "adult content" warning that initially pops up when you start on this journey. It is purely a disclaimer of me about to put it ALL out there. The good, bad, crazy, fun, happy and all those other descriptive words that I really don't want to bother putting in here. It's my truth I guess. My thoughts to justify a situation even more so. You have come to understand that I am raw. I do not flower things to make it all "okay." And if you know me, I hate flowers...they die!

I write to portray our feelings and why we possibly feel that way. Giving us all another avenue to also think about because our (meaning "your") first thought is your final thought. Let me be your voice of reason to try to help you figure some shit out. Now don't get me wrong, I will also be there if you need someone to help you "set it off," Jada aint got nothin on me! But real talk, I am truly blessed to have all of you in my circle. Friends near and far and still accepting enemies...lol, we all gotta turn our life around at some point.

I've been put thru some craziness in my life and still continue to say:

"I am saved
I am healed
I am delivered
I am protected
I am preserved
I am made whole in the name of Jesus and Because Emmanuel Lives I Expect Victory Everytime." ~ Pastor Darlene Bishop. I love my pastor and yes she does read this too!

And from one of the Greats, Bob Marley “Who are you to judge the life I live? I know I'm not perfect and I don't live to be. But, before you start pointing fingers, make sure your hands are clean.”

So, I'm out for the night. I'm so feeling the love...

SinSiNattie

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Monogamy vs Open Relationship





Wonderful topic given by a friend although this subject is very touchy to me at this present time I will do my best to convey my thoughts. Below you will find the simplest of vows that are meant to give the basic guidelines. I will touch on the bolded words. Be prepared to put yourself in that other person's shoes and say "I understand" before you try to validate what you are doing...

I, _________, take you, _________, to be my lawfully wedded (husband/wife), my constant friend, my faithful partner and my love from this day forward. In the presence of God, our family and friends, I offer you my solemn vow to be your faithful partner in sickness and in health, in good times and in bad, and in joy as well as in sorrow. I promise to love you unconditionally, to support you in your goals, to honor and respect you, to laugh with you and cry with you, and to cherish you for as long as we both shall live.

When I ask you to be my everything it is just that MY everything. My someone to call on in my time of need. My friend that will be there for me when I need to talk about my bad day, or just anything that is going on in my life. A friend is someone who believes in you when you have ceased to believe in yourself.

My faithful partner, I give myself to you as you to me and without reservation. It will be you that lays with me in my bed while I sleep. You that will caress me, and hold me thru the night. In being faithful it is not to cross that line known as cheating. In a relationship or marriage it's to not 'fool around' with someone your not with. But wedding vows don't say that two people are not going to cheat on each other but they will "love and honor" each other. Now, when you know the other person, their character, what makes them feel loved, and how to honor them do just that. Don't do what you would want done for you but what works with them (as long as it is good).

From this day forward Dennis Waitley said “Don't dwell on what went wrong. Instead, focus on what to do next. Spend your energies on moving forward toward finding the answer.” I know that there will be pain. I also know that there will be lack of trust but you have to turn that negative to a positive. DO NOT stress yourself out trying to "fix yourself" when in fact there may not be anything to fix. Sometimes shit just happens. Sydney Smith says that “marriage resembles a pair of shears, so joined that they cannot be separated, often moving in opposite directions, yet always punishing anyone who comes in between them.” See, I like this quote! But usually it is us that self-destruct and breakdown. We ridicule each other and then we allow others to get involved and then truly fuck shit up!

When it comes to God I have never herd a consistent answer but there is a common thread of not breaking the ten commandments.The 7th commandment says "you shall not committ adultery. Nuff said! I can't get all Godly on you because that is not me. Bottom line is that you know the difference between right and wrong! “God, grant me the Senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference” We must always put God first in everything that we do.

In good times and in bad, Dionne Warwick broke it down best For good times and bad times, I'll be on your side forever more... Ya'll she is the business! The Rolling Stones sang "There've been good times, There've been bad times, I have my share of hard times too, But I lost my faith in the world,
honey, when I lost you. Now I know that I am the first one to try to run in the "bad times" but this is only because I see similarities from my past and remember I do not go backwards! I typically shut it all down and keep it moving. I'm tired of wasting my life.

Unconditional Love Unfortunately Grant Gudmundson said that "Love is unconditional. . . Relationships are not". This is so unfortunate. Why can't it be unconditional. If everything is "Unconditional" in the beginning for us to be united, what exactly will it be to make it "conditional"?

Now that this is all said and done, why is it that we allow certain things to hender our relationships? If I love you and you say that you love me, why do you need to have someone else? What is it that I am not fulfuilling in our relationship? Why must you venture/stray? The No.1 reason: Men crave sexual “variety,” according to David Buss, professor of psychology at the University of Texas. Ummm, I'm no man but that is just crazy, stupid, dumb and just plain ignorant of you. Why take the vows? Stay single! So let me think this out: You've been with your wife for years, established a bond, a family and just because you want "variety" you fuck it all up. You start a new relationship with someone but failed to terminate your current status. You call it "variety" Dr. Buss but I call it bullshit! Why put me thru years of committment for you to betray me by being with someone else? Yea, you come home (when you feel like it), you're here for our children (when you say you have time) but really what is the point. You go to be with your "Other" and you come home. What the hell is she thinking? Does she not know that we've been together for a long time and we have a FAMILY!!! What the hell am I doing by putting up with this crap. I know that I'm good enough. I know that I am a strong woman BUT I hate that this other woman can be someone that my husband wants. But why.... Is it wrong for me to hate her? Well, I'm just trying to give perspective but I, SinSiNattie says that YES, you are wrong. You have anger out of the fact that your husband seeked out another woman. You can be pissed of course, but really think about this. Why exactly are you mad at this woman? She can never take your place. She can never be you. She cannot be a fill in mom for your kids. She is just a woman that your man goes to because maybe she is the "it's okay" girl. But you are the "Man please, this is reality". The level-headed one. The one that keeps him grounded. Wait--- now, by no means am I condoning his actions at all. But you really need to focus your frustrations on what the real issue is and that is your man! There is nothing wrong with you!

Now, ya'll know that I have to give both perspectives so let's flip this shit right around. Why do women cheat? The simple answer is because we hurt. We have pain related to loneliness, the rejection and betrayal of a cheating spouse and emotional needs not met and the hurt that accompanies these lacks. Now this time I am a woman and I can say that this too is bullshit! Why be in a committed relationship with someone and cheat? Stay Single! I'm sounding like a broken record!!! Take all that "she" stuff from the last paragraph and replace it with a "he". It's all the same.

Look people it all boils down to . Let's say it together TRUST! I gotta trust that when you are away from me that you are not with another man or woman. I need to know that when you say that you are at work that you are not "puttin in overtime". I need to know that when you say that you are checking your e-mail, facebook, twitter account that that is really what you are doing. Not making arrangements for little meetings in this town or that town or here or there. Oh, I forgot myspace too! Again, why haven't ya'll grown up yet and switched to facebook.

We all know that when you go looking you never know what you will be finding. Can you please be man (and woman) enough to say that "I'm committed to my reltionship?" Shit if you can't, call me and I will tell that person! We all need a little help sometimes. The internet is a crazy thing. You can literally pick and choose who you want to be with. BUT you already did that so QUIT LOOKING!! Also remember that just because he or she did it to you that you cannot "get back." No no no no no and NO!!!! This is not your own rendition of Ludacris' "how low" song...lol! This is serious shit people! All jokes aside. When someone "friend request" you don't get into nothing personal. We dont need anybody thinkin that you are single and you ARE NOT! Post the damn Relationship Status proudly, even if "it's complicated". AND keep people out ya business!

What has been the lesson today ladies and gents....if you want to play, STAY SINGLE!!! If you are comitted to your relationship...STAY COMMITTED! But you CANNOT do both!!

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You Will Be Missed "JarHead"

Friday, May 21, 2010




Today was a bad day like no other. But truly blessed to be here right now. I once dated a man that told me that I was worth it and that the burden of the relationship should always fall on the "Man." He would open my door when we went out and catered to my every need. This was a man that enjoyed the simple things and had really no complaints. Well, there was one...He couldn't be with his kids. He loved his kids with everything that a man should and provided for them beyond what any child support check could provide. All he wanted was a family. The sacrifices that he made in his own life just to see or talk to his kids on any kind of regular basis was truly spectacular.

He was a lifesaver literally for he was also a firefighter at Station 2 in Cincinnati, OH. I was there at times sittin around while nothing happened. I swear those men could make a mean spaghetti dinner... aaah, the good times. Sittin outside watching the people stroll the street and watching him greet the children as they walked up. He paid attention to each and every one of them and if you were small, he would swoop you up and spin you around and park you right on the front bumper of the fire truck. I will definitely be missing that smile from you "JarHead."

I'm overwhelmed with so many emotions that I really don't know what to do. You will always be with me and I swear that no matter what, I will always remember.

Much love always. God, you really picked a great one this time. For he will now be with you and looking down on me...

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I wasn't born a bitch; men like you made me that way

Monday, May 17, 2010

Getting phone calls because OMG this fuckin fool broke up with me! Did he not realize that I was the best thing that happened to his sorry ass? Did he not know that I've been putting my life on hold to raise this family to its disfuctionality that it is today? Did that damn man know that when he was out with his boys or working late(or at least that's what he told me) that I was dealing with a sick child with a 103 degree temperature. HELL NO! All he knew was that I wouldn't dare say how I really felt. When he'd return home, I'd act like I was sleep until I accidently did fall asleep.

Getting text messages because this stupid guy has been playing all these games with me. He tells me that he wants to be with me one minute but then his phone rings and it is quickly silenced. WTF! What do you mean that you can't stay tonight? And why can't we go to the movies over on 8th & Main? Oh, cuz "who" might see us? So, we end up going to Kentucky so no one would recognize you and I still get what I want.

Getting e-mailed because damnit this man is really not appreciating me. I've been up all night, up all day, trying to figure out why everytime you come home you're so fuckin tired. What the hell did you do today to get yourself so tired that you can't take me out to dinner just once a week. Did I really ask too much this time. Maybe I should be considerate of what kind of day that he was having and leave him alone.

Getting damn Facebooked because somebody on my friends list told my man that they saw me at some club with someone else. REALLY WTF!!! What are you bitches? Government spies to go runtelldat so you can get my man?! Didn't I see you at that same damn club with your male neighbor that be at your house when your husband is away on business. Was that the same BMW that parks around the corner about 2 blocks away from the house when you supposedly "go for a run" Right!!!

Yea I got Myspaced messaged today from some man asking me if I drive, do I have my own place, how many kids do I have so of course the typical 'Nattie' answer would be: Hell yea I drive! But I aint coming to pick you and your friends up to take you nowhere. You aint coming to my damn house and don't ask me questions about my family! Who the fuck are you!!!

Now LADIES, I'm gonna need ya'll to be betta! You are worth it. I dont care what that chick said or your dude said or even that triflin ass family member that is just hatin on you cuz you got ya mind right. I, SinSiNattie, is telling you to look forward. Not sideways, not backwards. Listen to me. You are a WOMAN! Repeat after me. "I AM A WOMAN AND YOU WILL RESPECT ME!" LADIES, demand that shit so these fools quit trippin.

I'm tired of the phone calls, text messages, e-mails, facebook status', and the damn myspace. Why ya'll still on myspace anyway. Aint you grown yet! Okay we still repeating the sentance "I AM A WOMAN AND YOU WILL RESPECT ME!" Quit acting like you dont have a voice to speak your mind. And if that damn man keeps threatening to leave you and your household...Look that ________(cuz I gotta lot of words to fill in that blank) in the face and tell him to get the hell on! You dont need this, you dont need him. I'm gonna need all ya'll to acknowledge your self-worth and then keep saying "I AM A WOMAN AND YOU WILL RESPECT ME!"

DO NOT..AND I REPEAT...DO NOT, be like Jazmine Sullivan and Bust tha windows out his car...lol! I need you to just tell him that like Alicia Keys says Still "when I'm a mess, I still put on a vest, With an S on my chest, Oh yes, I'm a Superwoman.. Believe that shit when you say it! Oprah Winfrey said "As you become more clear about who you really are, you’ll be better able to decide what is best for you - the first time around."

This time we are gonna say it together: "I AM A WOMAN AND YOU WILL RESPECT ME!" and if you ever feel like you are not strong enough to say it...Let me do it for you.

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To late...

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Life would be much easier
If I knew how to hate
To stand up for myself
Before it got too late

I always see the brighter side
The good in everyone
By the time I start to see the bad
I'm too attached to run

So I sit back and watch you play
Those stupid games of yours
You take away my opportunities
Close all my open doors

I wanted to believe it
When you murmured 'I love you'
But even as you held me close
I knew these words could not be true

You taught me a new kind of pain
The worst kind I think
It feels like you've ripped my heart out
But then I felt it sink

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Poe...

"All that we see or seem is but a dream within a dream"

"I became insane, with long intervals of horrible sanity"



I really hope you know who Poe is!

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Patiently Waiting...

While I get my life together there is someone waitin patiently. Patiently for me to make decisions that I unfortunately I can't seem to make at this present time...meaning today. I love this man with my all and will carry it forever in my heart. Damnit, at this point I need to stop right here because my heart just can't process it. What is it that I really need to do as he patiently waits?

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So i met you...

Monday, May 10, 2010

So I met you and nice things were said. I heard your voice and I think that I like it. I've sensed your personality and it's similar to mine. The bar is set pretty high but at this point you may have a shot. A shot at being someone close to me in my circle of friends or a shot of just being close to me. Time will tell. Although it whispers at times, the really hard thing to do is just be still and really listen to what is really said. And it's more than words that I'm looking for. Mostly unspoken by which when I see you and you see me their will be no exchange of words at all just our bodies speaking a language that can only be decoded with our hearts.

What is the expectation? For you to be the perfect person for me at this time and place in my life or is it that you were just put here to give me more purpose. Whatever the case may be. I think that I am willing to risk it.

When we spoke you told me to start at the beginning and you did the same...Hello my name is _______________.... Hello _________...lol! Just another AA meeting I guess.

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Untitled...

Saturday, May 8, 2010


When I speak why is that there is silence that filters thru your ears. I've been patiently waiting for something to give and in the meantime things get worse. My silent prayers go unanswered why? Why is it so hard for you to understand that this is who I am and that I am NOT changing for anyone. I've been going thru a lot these days that I find it unbearable to just "breathe." In a matter of months I will have everything taken from me in the matter of what I've always dreamed of and to continue to deal with the everyday bullshit of not my life but yours. I just want to live....today. Yea, I've thought about just wanting to get in the car and just drive. Run away from everything that I know. But for what? Why do I long for something that is purely out of my control? I can love and be in love but not be happy so I guess the real question is whether or not that I was/am really IN love. I can sacrifice everything to prove that I am here for our relationship but why...to still have to deal with your insecurities, not mine. Yes there are plenty of men out there that dont have a "situation" but why do I choose to stick around to see how things play out. Why am I just a silent contestant in this game show that not you or I control who wins or loses. I'm really confused, frustrated, aggravated, irritated with all of it at this point. I will soon no longer be capable of producing my own family soon and I am holding onto a possibility of being a family with someone that already has a family. COMPLICATED!!! I know that love is not easy but haven't I already seen what a relationship should not be built on? Have I not experienced someone using me for the things that I have? And have I not had so many failed relationships that I deserve at least relationship that is based on true love and devotion of each other. I've never been a real emotional person but it's sad when you see other people that are truely in love go by and you wish for it so bad that it brings tears to your eyes. I, unfortunately recently have experienced this.

Can I ever be someone's priority instead of it being the other way around? I want someone to want me the way that I want them. To want to have and to hold from this day forth but it's kind of hard to do when your dreams are blocked. I want someone to promise to love me without reservation, comfort me in times of distress, encourage me to achieve all of your goals, laugh with me and cry with me, grow with mein mind and spirit, always be open and honest with me, and cherish me for as long as we both shall live. Rite, the fairy tale wedding that I will never have. Why becasue the man that I am in love with doesn't know just how deep my love goes for him. It's taken for granted and not believed when I say that "I love you more" and I truely do mean it.

Or what about for him to say my beloved Natasha, do you remember the very first day we met? From the very moment I saw you, I knew you were the one for me, the one that I know I have to spend the rest of my life with. Our journey together has been the best days of my life until this moment, for you have become not just my lover and companion, but also my best friend. For this man that I love so dearly to tell me this would be the most wonderful day of my life BUT also the worse because it would be a lie! How can you love me the way that I need you to love me when you do not consideration of my feeling of what is going on. I was told once before after a domestic dispute that "it's over with and I dont want to hear about this again brought up in arguments to come." What's the issue again? The fact that you put your hands on me and you know you were wrong but let's not discuss it again like it never happened so I dont feel bad. Well this scenario is more like "I understand what you're saying and how you feel, and it bothers me too. You act like I dont think about it also" But...ummm....in this scenario you hold the cards not me. I have to just wait until something gives... exactly when/what might that be and why do I have to wait. Haven't I given up enough at this point! I'm tired, I'm unappreciated, I am strong, I am diligent but I'm feeling like I am failing in this relationship and I dont even think that you care...or do you???

In the words of Anna Scott: "After all... I'm just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her"

I'm feeling like this boy is not man enough to accept me for who I am as a girl trying to regain my dignigity as a woman...

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Writers Block--Yea, I Even Get It!

Thursday, May 6, 2010


So, it's been days..no weeks since I have posted anything to my blog. This is highly unlike me since I've had the time. Although going thru some little life hiccups, I find my self with everything to say yet nothing at all. So many things are going on that I dont understand why I can't keep just one straight thought. Maybe it's the medication.

Sitting here looking out the window starring at the cars going by wondering what those people are about to do. Are they going home, taking a child to any sort of athletic practice, headed out to dinner or meeting a friend for a drink? Really why do I care? I turned on the TV just to find that Jamal, you are NOT the father on Maury but wait you was sleeping around and there is another baby that needs to be tested. C'mon people, I don't understand why the fellas have to talk down on the female because of the possibility of them being the father of that baby but you have been tested 3 times and you ARE the father of the other 3 children. Doesn't that make you just as bad. Hmmm! I'm thinking that today is a nice day despite the fact that I have strep throat right now but maybe take a walk and try not to get my sinus' all flared up. Hmmm, well I guess I needed to get out the junk to get to the more serious part of me. Back to writing I guess.. Maybe something else will get posted tonight of more meaning :)

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