1980/5*5...I'm back!!

 1980...

        5 years....5 months ago...

Finally the day has come!  I purposefully chose to wait until this day. It's been 1,980 days since I last published my last piece. Wow!!!  So much has happened in that timeframe😊 but most importantly, I found me!  Well, I wouldn't say that I was lost, but I would say that a whole hell of a lot has happened.  The last piece that I published I wrote "Am I Enough," well, I still think that I struggle with that piece still, however, I can manage it a little more closely. But what I've found out and how I moved in the past 5 years has been the best growth of my life!  In those years, I've learned the following:

• Being away made me make my own interest a priority. It gave me time to focus on what is/was important to me.  Ya see, when you're surrounded by others, sometimes you might push your own passions, ideas, goals aside in order to help/support friends and family. I realized that I did that far too often. But by taking the opportunity to make better choices and focus my attention without worrying other people and their problems definitely gave me a better sense of balance.
• How to better manage my "Ships." My familyships (yeah, this isn't a word, but for today it absolutely is!), relationships, and friendships.  With help, I realized that a little absence does make the heart grow fonder.  By me taking the time to focus on myself it made me stronger and in turn made my "ships" indestructible. I recognized that having those friendships and social support systems are important to your mental health (and sometimes not so great) but taking a break and going solo-dolo helped me appreciate them that much more.
• How to be a better Mother/ Step-Mother(still Mother) to my children.  Whew chile, this one has been rough!! 5 years ago, I had daughters in high-school, middle-school, and elementary school😐. In numbers that is a 16, 12, and 6 years old😩. In emotions that was "I hate you mom!" x2 and "will you play dolls with me." They all had their own personal struggles that I had to seek to understand their point of view. We went through ups and downs and near death experiences and all were learning curves for us all. Back then there was no light visible, it began to pave the way to brighter days where all began to grow individually and know their own self-worth.  Now they are 21, 17, and 11 and honestly I couldn't ask for better girls. The oldest (#1, "first born") is just starting her Master's program at The University of Cincinnati, the Middle (#2), now a junior in high school, is navigating her way through life and understanding accountability and responsibility. And lastly, the youngest (#3 aka- Happy Feet) is growing in her own person. Honestly, she has had the most growth of all of them.  She has learned what is important to her and what makes her the happiest. Her biggest ah-hah moment was when she was just struggling to please everyone yet letting what she wanted go by the wayside. My conversation with her yielded simply "no-one should be mad at you for making you better. No one should make you feel guilty for a decision that you make concerning yourself and your personal growth and well-being."  From that day forward, she's been happy about every decision that she's made thus far. 
• How to improve my health.  I've had to have yet another much needed surgery that actually left me feeling a ton better. Then it was time to take control of this weight. Now this was the biggest hurdle😒. 2020 was the best time to do this! So, with the new gym equipment in the basement it has been the absolute best. From November to current I've lost almost 40 lbs👏👏👏 Now to keep it up is going to be the thing. I'm pretty confident.
• Most recently, I've learned to trade stock👀😏 and I must say that shit is pretty fun. I'm not sure if it's the risk that is involved but I love it!  I got my handle on conventional stocks and then was told by several folks not to go the cryptocurrency route, but, ummm.... over 1000 shares later, I'm hooked!  Nothing like waking up to money based on a good decision.  We'll discuss if that falls through at some time but until then, I'm gucci!😜

Let's talk about 2020.  Man that year was a 'Mutha-F!  I mean the other years we typically get to the point where we are over it but we all just never knew what 2020 would bring. Emotionally speaking 2020 lasted approxiamtely 12 months and 487 years! Here's my recap of that awful year:

• Everyone was training for WWIII! Not really, but really.  President X (Trump) ordered that airstrike to take out that Iranian General. We were scared!! I even remember watching the news and saying "this muthafucka is gonna get us killed!" Then the memes started. And it seems that when crazy gets going in the world we can always rely on a good 'ole meme to bring us back to calm. 
• On January 30th, the WHO declared the COVID-19 (coronavirus) outbreak a global health emergency. This virus was first identified in China, Wuhan, to be exact. By March 2020 it was a full blown pandemic!  Things we knew: This virus was airborne! wtf! So by way of an infected person breathing, coughing, sneezing or speaking it would enter another person via their nose, mouth or eyes.  It also could be spread by coming in contact with a contaminated surface. Again wtf!  Soooo this is when the Clorox wipes started to be scarce. Quick things to adopt daily...Wash your hands often, and wear a face mask! At this point it was buckle up buttercup, this is our life as we know it for a undetermined time😒
• We thought stockpiling on toilet paper would save us all from the virus. To be clear, nowhere did it EVER say that coronavirus made you urinate or have diarrhea. So, I use "we" loosely.
• The Monkeys!  Do you remember the monkeys?😂  In Thailand, thousand of monkeys stormed the center in Lopburi because the tourist that usually fed them fled due to COVID-19.  Because there were no people the monkeys literally took over and authorities deemed their actions "hopeless" as there was just too many of them to contain.
• The Pentagon released videos supporting that "off-world vehicles not made of this earth" were sited.  You got it! A fucking UFO! But we were in a pandemic already, so....no big deal! Unless you are a fan of the X-files and this shit is fascinating to you. Yep... Guilty🙋
• Everyone became obsessed with Tiger King😑 Thanks Netflix!  But NO thanks!  We heard more at the end of 2020 as Joe thought me was going to get pardoned at the last hour by Trump😒
•  The Crown season 4 started!  OMG!  I was obsessed!  We got to see Gillian Anderson play Margaret Thatcher and WOW!  I learned so much. And then the season took a dramatic turn introducing Diana's character.  It was an emotional rollercoaster. Was it just me? My heart ached for that poor girl. My took away from that season was quite frankly "fuck you Prince Charles and Camilla!"  Maybe there is hope for season 5. <fingers crossed>
• Megxit happened:  Harry and Meghan left the Royal Family. Did we really care about this?
• As if the year wasn't already bad...Murder hornets!  
• The next pandemic...Racism!  I'll just update this one as "ongoing!"
• Trump praised the coronavirus opinions of a doctor who believe that there are demons in sperm😑😒. As if this was one of his more defining moments (shout out to bleach)!
• Kanye West not only ran for president, but was endorsed by Chance the Rapper and Elon Musk.  Again...😒
• Wayfair, were you really sex trafficking children through cabinets? No, just another conspiracy theory for the books... mkay!
• Trump threatened to ban TikTok.
• Trump bragged about passing a basic cognitive test.
• Lori Loughlin went to prison over the college-admission scandal.
• Ivanka Trump put the blame for the 11.5 unemployment rate (at the time) on folks who just weren't being creative enough  in her #TrySomethingNew campaign ad.  Girl bye!
• Scientist sited that there was water found on the moon, but nobody cared!
• Mary Trump released 'Too Much and Never Enough.'  I actually enjoyed it. I can't wait for her next book 'The Reckoning: Our Nation's Trauma and Finding a Way to Heal'. C'mon July 2021!
• Trump accused Democrats of "stealing the election" and claimed "voter fraud." This was due to his losing the electoral college votes 306/252. Several lawsuits were filed immediately leading up to the inauguration. 
• Covid-19 Stats: More than 25 million people had confirmed coronavirus infections and more than 450,000 have died of COVID-19.  Tens of thousands of new cases are reported daily nationwide!

We lost some greats in 2020 as well. Not necessarily to COVID-19:

• Kobe Bryant (NBA) and his daughter Gianna 
• Chadwick Boseman (Black Panther)
• Ruth Bader Ginsburg (Supreme Court Justice)
• Alex Trebek
• John Lewis (Congressman and Civil Rights icon)
• Natalie Desselle Reid (B.A. P.S)
• Dawn Wells (Gilligans Island)
• Naya Rivera (Glee)
• David Prowse (Darth Vader)
• Sean Connery (James Bond)
• Eddie Van Halen (Musician)
• Little Richard (Musical Artist)
• Kelly Preston (Actress)
• Jerry Stiller (Actor)
• Nikita Pearl Waligwa (Actress)
• Pop Smoke (Rapper)
• Kirk Douglas (Actor)
• Kenny Rogers (Musical Artist)

Now, we are in the first week of February 2021 and although we thought this year was going to be the year...nope! Well, at least not yet anyways.  Six (6) that's right, six days into the new year, as Congress voted to finalize then President-elect, Joseph Biden as being our 46th President, pro-Trump rioters breached and stormed our nation's Capital. Per Wikipedia, the rioters target House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and several members of Congress. The assault on the capital was widely condemned by political leaders and organizations in the United States and internationally. Nonetheless, President-elect Biden was confirmed and would be sworn in on inauguration day on January 20 with Vice President-elect Harris.

January 20, 2021: A day to remember.  Marking the commencement of Joe Biden being sworn in as our 46th President, this day meant so much more as history was being made by Vice President Kamala Harris. She made history by being United States' first female Vice President, the highest ranking female official in United States' history, and the first African American, and first Asian American Vice President.  

Moving right along and COVID-19 has gravely wounded the economy leaving 10+ million Americans without work. While some districts are more comfortable with children returning to school, several parents and officials are just not confident that this is a good idea.  My children go to Loveland Intermediate and High School presently.  One is completely doing remote learning while the other goes full-time and is able to adhere to a hybrid schedule when necessary and deemed by the schools.

So, it's been a doozy of a time most recently.  I hope everyone has been hanging in there and brushing up on their TikTok dances and pranks😂.  Vaccines for the coronavirus are out and being administered in phases. Are you getting vaccinated? Do you trust it? I really want to know (comment and tell me what your thoughts are).  Just when we thought that normal life would be near... BAM! New variants of coronavirus has been detected and of course those vaccines that were just approved are less effective on them😒.  So FML 'Merica!  Now the CDC is saying to double down on precautions and now wear 2 masks!  wtf! 

Oh, and did you hear Dr. Dre (not an actual doctor), I mean the dope rapper that gave us The Chronic back in '92 had a damn brain aneurysm.  C'mon 2021, get your shit together! 

Any who, that's what's been going on. What have you all (ya'll- in my head and I just cracked up at the country that came out) been up to?  Are you good? Is your family safe? I need answers because I haven't seen or heard from you guys in quite a while, but I sure do miss you!

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Am I good Enough???

2 years, 2 months and 11 days...If you followed anything that I've done with this blog you know what that means...

It's been so long since I've inked some paper and honestly I thought that it was for the best but ya know what....fuck it! Living in an abyss of broken promises and misused words and my own courage to just walk away I'm standing here like...fuck it! When I open my mouth and the words flow so freely when they are repeated they are a jumbled mess of another's thoughts that are now not my own.

Just like Poe one cannot help being struck by the self-destructive tendencies. Contradictions are everywhere.  He came up with such brilliance like "And then there stole into my fancy, like a rich musical note, the thought of what sweet rest there must be in the grave" Genius!  This is completely genius for I have wanted to seek this peace for the past couple years. After getting myself to a place of peace I realize that that peace was compromised.

"Am I enough?" Is the question that I ask myself daily. If so, what are you showing me to have me asking myself this question.  "Am I enough??  I sit and wonder if it's truly me that you want or the perception of me and a life you want and I'm just a missing piece to your puzzle not mine.  "Am I enough?"  What is my worth to you? In the secret places, where no one sees.  "Am I enough?"  Because you don't know that my scars are symbols of my strength   My scars mean that the hurt is over and the wound is officially closed. It means that I've conquered the pain, learned a lesson, grew stronger (although I may not feel so strong) and moved forward.  My scars are a tattoo of so many triumphs.  I try not to let my scars hold me hostage or assist in making me live in fear.  I can't make them (scars) disappear but I've been sure as hell trying to change the way that I see them.  You see I can't begin to see my scars as a sign of strength and not pain.  Life doesn't have to be perfect to be wonderful. But "am I good enough" is still the question.  Can I live with no regrets, just lessons;  No worries, just acceptance;  No expectations, just gratitude?  In understanding that life is short, the story of MY life has many chapters.  One bad chapter doesn't mean it has to end I guess. So maybe the quick fix would be to stop re-reading the bad one and turn the fucking page.

"Am I good enough?" In a world of the world wide web and social media am I made to compete with things that are not materialized to me.  You may say I'm good enough however what makes one "like" a picture of a half naked woman that looks nothing like me?  I'm good enough you say yet a stranger can catch your attention by being nothing of true value but ass and titties. Yet I have to struggle with my insecurities of wondering "Am I good enough." This i'm sure is what happens daily to people like me who struggle and ask themselves these questions.  I'm keen to hopefully know that this isn't something that my man would do because this part has never been an issue.  Although time (a lot of time) and space and more importantly respect wouldn't lead him to do such things and forcing me in a corner clinching my knees asking myself... "Am I good enough."

"Am I good enough?" Do you ever ask yourself this question? I surely can't be the only one.  I choose to tell you that you are "enough." You should never have to wonder.  If I could tell the world how great you are I would. I do actually in subtleties.   I would tell them that you are compassionate, trustworthy, have good character and compassion. You're balanced, confident, and take initiative.  You have self respect and give respect. Always up for a challenge to be a better man.  You're committed and faithful, humble and adaptable.  You have temperance, promotes moral excellence, a vision to lead and most of all you believe in our Creator.... YOU are enough.  

"Am I good enough?" Outside of your mind... to be seen in the public eye as your woman, your partner.  Will I be subjected to walk in your masculine shadow?  Will I have a say in our life as one or will I just have unspoken words of what I want our life to be?  

In being enough will I have to validate myself daily to continue to be the woman that you love.  A double validation in the sense; yours and mine.  In being enough will I truly be....enough.  As I'm trying to move away from the "Am I good" and just focusing on  "enough" what does that really mean?  

"Am I enough?" 

• Am I positive and love with my whole heart?... I love with my whole heart and then some
• Could I be fiercely loyal and beautifully vulnerable at the same damn time?
• Am I authentic with my words and sentiment?
• Do I make mistakes and try my best to learn from them?

I CAN DO HARD THINGS...

• I have the ability to love any child as if they are my own...life's pleasures.
• I take risks even though I am petrified of failure in hopes that my faith is stronger than my fears
• I am aware of my weaknesses and I'm not afraid to apologize for my actions when necessary, But I will never apologize for who I am
• I try everyday to be a better version of myself...And I will never stop trying.

Maybe I can't be "good enough" for everyone, but I can always be the best for who DESERVES me. Maybe I need to stop asking myself If I'm good enough and start to focus on ridding my life of things that manifest and brings me to self doubt.  Maybe I need to just understand that this beautiful chaos is who I am and for that in its entirety leads me to possibly believe that...


I.....AM.....ENOUGH....nevermind being good.   Refocus on just being...

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Lyrics of My Soul...

I loved you from a mere thought... a desire at which I've rarely shared.  Though a complicated process I knew exactly what it was that I wanted to do.  Our days seem to change from one drastic day to another and at some point there would be nothing to change my mind or position with you until now.  Until now I had this sense that everything would be okay.  What exactly is "okay" anymore these days? Silence, fewer calls, scattered pettiness; I just don't know anymore. But again, what I do know is that I love you.

When I close my eyes you give me peace.  A sense that I live for daily.   But the problem is, I don't get that much sleep these days either. Although if you were here right now I figure I still wouldn't be getting much sleep but at least I would be smiling. I would find joy in waking up the mister just to have him sitting up with me while holding you.  Watching him nod off as we both are completely wide awake and watching yet another ifomercial of more things to make with the Ninja blender 3 models later.  Listening to the nonsense that he calls sleep but we call..."omg!,we can't sleep with all this going on!  I'd watch you and wonder how did this thought turn to a gracious reality that is suddenly taking over my heart day by day.  For this, I love you.

I had a great....no WE had a great feeling about this and somehow I just can't carry thru with it.  The decision was made and nothing went right afterwards...nothing! I reviewed all of my files again, called the insurance company again, looked over some notes....that's right....again but the same thing kept crossing my mind. I couldn't bare the thought of losing you at any point.  I can't face the fact that in time where there is happiness it could be taken away from me from 0 to 9.  I guess this is where the quote would come in that "it would be better to love and lost than to have loved at all" and I claim all that just bullshit!  I would know the tears that we had the day the decision was made.  Secretly laying and hoping that everything would be okay and it's not.  Knowing that our life with a new beautiful face would be the beginning of yet another jealous rage that would send our lives...your life...into something that it should never be.  I love you with all of my being and this hurts.  Hurts in a way that really no words can describe.  I don't know what to do at this point but try to move on. And in doing so doesn't mean that I will forget you. It means that I wasn't strong enough to do right by you. But honestly how can I? Nothing is within my control anymore. Not even potentially the creation of you. Not even my life at this point.  But in knowing how much I love you I will never forget the fond memories that I have created for you thus far.  Those I will always carry in my heart always.  You remain nameless at this point but if he had his way you would be simply....Lyric... be sure to spell it to be clear.

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Hate...This is not me

I hate the way we live
I hate we have to die
I hate the way you want it to be all over
And suddenly change your mind
I hate you want to hurt yourself
I hate that I have to cry
I hate I see myself somewhere deep inside your eyes
I hate that I can relate to you 
I hate that you cant see
All the good things in your life 
I hate you cant see me 
I hate when I look in the mirror
Your the person looking back
I hate that every day seems like someone will attack
I hate that I am weak
I hate that you are here
I hate that I can't change all the things I fear
I hate that I dont hate you
instead I hate myself
for im the one who can't even remember my true self
I hate I let you into my mind
I hate you let me stop living
I hate that you don't understand what all I'm expected of forgiving
I hate I dont want to talk to you
I hate its not like it use to be
I hate that you want to change me to change what you want to see
I hate you can't tell this isn't all my hate
I take your hate into myself and understand my fate
sometimes I dont understand the hate 
and still I continue to see
all the self hate deep down inside of you
is now inside of me.

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Alicia Keys - Girl On Fire featuring Nicki Minaj (Live)

Alicia Keys - Girl On Fire featuring Nicki Minaj (Live): Alicia Keys and Nicki Minaj Perform "Girl On Fire" Live at the 2012 VMAs

I'm starting to love this song ya'll.

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Just A Man...

Through all the work that was done in this life it can still never be measured by any one person or tool.  To have someone in a capacity to make you complete/whole is merely a desire of the heart.  But when that heart is alone what is there left?  Companionship... no not even that.

When you are born you are born of two beings.  Two beings of which may or may not choose to be in your life.  Two beings that are a free pass (vip tickets) to your almost every move.  As we get older we search to find that soul mate in which we can share our life with to call our own.  Not that in a  paying kind of way, or a bought kind of way but in a damn way that simply means that you are MINE lol.  Nah, seriously just someone to spend your life with be it good or bad.  But as someone passed away the final words in the article simply said "He had no wife, nor children."  That truly just bothered me.  Although there was talk that he may have been homosexual (at which I really could care less of his sexual preference) I want to know why it had to be said that way.  To me the words "He had no wife, nor children" means that he died just a man.  Just a man with maybe a sister, brother, nieces and some nephews but no-one to be there for him when he came home. To call to vent to when he had a bad day.  No one to kiss or tuck in at night.  No one to walk down the aisle or stand up next to at a wedding.  Just a man...

Now when you are just a man does it matter that you have been viewed by millions; Touched the soul of an entire culture and era of our lives?  Does it matter that without knowing what your real birth name is someone may call you by your character name or imitate a(n) action that the world pieces back to you.  Does it bother you that when they wrote that he died it said "first name last name, star of " tv show" has died?  Because without saying what is role/character was on a particular show we would have kept scrolling and said to our self wtf is that.  But I guess he meant something to me as I took the time to share my thoughts and feelings on "this man"..

Out of respect I shall name this man that had no wife, nor children....he is the late Sherman Alexander Hemsley star of The Jeffersons....character name: George.

                                                         1 February 1938~24 July 2012

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Please Help Bring Eli Home!

As I have known Jamie since high school, It was no surprise that they would tackle this adventure head on. Watching this story evolve has been quite an experience as we typically only hear of this via the news and not someone that we know. So to give you a little background please read their story and share with your friends. As adoption expenses are very costly please feel free to chip in and donate (any amount would be appreciated) to their bringing little Eli home. If you are unable to donate, that's quite okay too! Please share their story on your facebook pages and blogs if you have one. I appreciate my facebook friends for sharing Jamie and Jared's journey....

Jared and Jamie met and started dating in high school. They have been together for 15 years and married for 8 years. They are blessed with three biological children, ages 6, 4, and 1. Jamie was a special education teacher working with children with severe disabilities before she and Jared had their children. She put in many hours working with “her” children, and 2 of them were flower girls in their wedding. Jamie knew she would love to bring home a child with a disability but Jared wasn’t sure if the time was right.

Over the past few years Jamie and Jared have felt called to help children in need, and began following and donating to other families who were making this journey. Jamie found Eli’s picture and emailed it to Jared. She asked a friend to pray that he would find a family quickly if it wasn’t meant to be them. Jared saw his picture and immediately fell in love with him. He contacted Reece’s Rainbow on his own to find out more about him! He and Jamie decided that he was the one meant to be their second son, rounding out the family to 2 boys and 2 girls. They are very excited to bring Eli home and their children are excited about their new brother!

Follow the family’s adoption journey on their blog at http://sunshinedaysandpeacefulnights.blogspot.com/

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