A Beautiful Mess

With every snag of my wedding rings it becomes more real. I dated this man for the last time on May 29th and was determined to have him "date" me to the fullest that day. As we awoke (yeah right, me...sleep..nah!) on the morning of May 30th it seemed like just another day. We ran to Meijer to grab a couple of things and headed back to the house. Normal conversation, normal attitudes, and just a normal day. No time for thoughts to really cross my mind other than "drama-free".

I just need (wanted) this one day for nothing else to exist in the world but us. Well, of course it seems that people sense when others are happy and they want to make an appearance to say "i'm still here to "f" with you (in not so many words). When will all this mess be over?!

This is day 5 of my marriage and it all has seemed like a blur. I look at the pictures at least 4 times a day and watch the video maybe once or twice. I think I missed it! Yes I was there, and I said "I will, for better, for worse, to love and to cherish, and ending with I pledge thee my faith" and for an entire 45 minutes of our new life nothing else existed. But as it grew closer to the end of the night it didn't feel any different. It was just another day of good food, laughter and anything and everything to keep our minds off of other things going on in our life. So this is what I'm struggling with today. That day (my wedding day) was not my day. It was a borrowed day from someone that decided to not "f" with us long enough for us to do what we had to do. Our lives right now are not "ours" it's controlled by someone that refuses to be accountable for their actions. We are puppets dangling from strings of whatever the color of choice is that day for this person. Our biggest hurtle as a married couple is conquering this "demon" that is determined to rip us apart. I'm not speaking in a literal term but in the sense of that the uncertainty and misjudgment, and purely two different entities tackling the same beast but first WE have to be on the same page.

Anthony Robbins said it best and I couldn't relay how I feel more directly than this... "You are at a crossroads. This is your opportunity to make the most important decision you will ever make. Forget your past. Who are you now? Who have you decided you really are now? Don't think about who you have been. Who are you now? Who have you decided to become? Make this decision consciously. Make it carefully. Make it powerfully."