Just A Man...

Through all the work that was done in this life it can still never be measured by any one person or tool.  To have someone in a capacity to make you complete/whole is merely a desire of the heart.  But when that heart is alone what is there left?  Companionship... no not even that.

When you are born you are born of two beings.  Two beings of which may or may not choose to be in your life.  Two beings that are a free pass (vip tickets) to your almost every move.  As we get older we search to find that soul mate in which we can share our life with to call our own.  Not that in a  paying kind of way, or a bought kind of way but in a damn way that simply means that you are MINE lol.  Nah, seriously just someone to spend your life with be it good or bad.  But as someone passed away the final words in the article simply said "He had no wife, nor children."  That truly just bothered me.  Although there was talk that he may have been homosexual (at which I really could care less of his sexual preference) I want to know why it had to be said that way.  To me the words "He had no wife, nor children" means that he died just a man.  Just a man with maybe a sister, brother, nieces and some nephews but no-one to be there for him when he came home. To call to vent to when he had a bad day.  No one to kiss or tuck in at night.  No one to walk down the aisle or stand up next to at a wedding.  Just a man...

Now when you are just a man does it matter that you have been viewed by millions; Touched the soul of an entire culture and era of our lives?  Does it matter that without knowing what your real birth name is someone may call you by your character name or imitate a(n) action that the world pieces back to you.  Does it bother you that when they wrote that he died it said "first name last name, star of " tv show" has died?  Because without saying what is role/character was on a particular show we would have kept scrolling and said to our self wtf is that.  But I guess he meant something to me as I took the time to share my thoughts and feelings on "this man"..

Out of respect I shall name this man that had no wife, nor children....he is the late Sherman Alexander Hemsley star of The Jeffersons....character name: George.

                                                         1 February 1938~24 July 2012

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Please Help Bring Eli Home!

As I have known Jamie since high school, It was no surprise that they would tackle this adventure head on. Watching this story evolve has been quite an experience as we typically only hear of this via the news and not someone that we know. So to give you a little background please read their story and share with your friends. As adoption expenses are very costly please feel free to chip in and donate (any amount would be appreciated) to their bringing little Eli home. If you are unable to donate, that's quite okay too! Please share their story on your facebook pages and blogs if you have one. I appreciate my facebook friends for sharing Jamie and Jared's journey....

Jared and Jamie met and started dating in high school. They have been together for 15 years and married for 8 years. They are blessed with three biological children, ages 6, 4, and 1. Jamie was a special education teacher working with children with severe disabilities before she and Jared had their children. She put in many hours working with “her” children, and 2 of them were flower girls in their wedding. Jamie knew she would love to bring home a child with a disability but Jared wasn’t sure if the time was right.

Over the past few years Jamie and Jared have felt called to help children in need, and began following and donating to other families who were making this journey. Jamie found Eli’s picture and emailed it to Jared. She asked a friend to pray that he would find a family quickly if it wasn’t meant to be them. Jared saw his picture and immediately fell in love with him. He contacted Reece’s Rainbow on his own to find out more about him! He and Jamie decided that he was the one meant to be their second son, rounding out the family to 2 boys and 2 girls. They are very excited to bring Eli home and their children are excited about their new brother!

Follow the family’s adoption journey on their blog at http://sunshinedaysandpeacefulnights.blogspot.com/

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2 Years Down....

As this day is almost over and I am finally able to compose this message that has been lingering around in my head for the past couple of days I shall start in this manner...

Two years ago today is when I was talked into starting this blog and I'm so glad that I did. It has helped me get out some things that have been on my mind over the last year. And as I have not written that much this year thus far, I still just have shit to say. But this year may just be different because it was brought to my attention that the writing that I do is meaningless. I really wish that I heard this from a stranger whereas I really wouldn't give a fuck, but, because it was from someone close to me that said it I'm really not quite sure what to feel. I love to write and express my feelings and just because it my be something that is a hitting home on a situation that other people are going thru or a reflection of my life doesn't make it invalidated. So I turned to my spoken words in my Vlog....what in the hell for....so you may be aware in my facial expressions that I really don't give a damn or the flip side of me actually caring so we will see how this goes.

Also today is yet another special milestone in my life. 5 years ago... I know I can hardly believe that its been that long....but 5 years ago I met this guy of whom pisses excellence now but then back in the day you could bet on a random rant on a "space that was not his own". I don't know what made me respond to that particular rant but It was one of those things that was right on time. And to think that after that he was literally right down the street from me. It was like sitting in a park playing someone on a mobile game and realizing that the laughs were after you pushed the send button. And to this day he is "ketchup" and I love him so much for bringing out a side of me that is now all of me! I love ya B. Wilson.

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Exercising My Rights

There are just some people that seem to always have something to say when I exercise my first amendment right. You know, one of the most important ones to me.... the 1st one, FREEDOM OF SPEECH. So, at any point in time that I say anything to offend you, him, her, or them please do one of the following (because I believe in giving people options): a) keep your comment to yourself unless I am speaking directly to you or b.) DELETE YOURSELF FROM MY PAGE! If you are unclear of how to accomplish this task, please see below.

Simply login to your page and click on my name or use the following tool in the upper center of your page that looks like this...

Please spell my name correctly in the search "Natasha Cain (Nattie Johnson)

then find the following on the right side of your screen at direct eye level and click where it says "friends"

Scroll all the fuck down to the last option at which states UNFRIEND. If you are not a friend on my friends list but you are compelled to see what I'm writing please view at your own risk!

If you want to constantly change your name to view my page here are a couple of suggestions:

first name "sooveryounyours" last name

first name "solastseason ago" last name

first name "cantgrowthefuckup" last name

first name "mommasbitch" last name

first name "sharktooth" last name

first name "welfarefraud" last name or my personal favorite....

first name "thirsty" last name

AND if your profile picture looks like a yahoo avatar but your real picture can be found in the local BUSTED paper...need I really say more?!?!?!

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Happy March Folks!!!

Just wanted to let you guys know that I have finally got the Vlog up and going. So from this point forward I may write, or post a video depending on the situation. If you want to check it out please visit my YouTube channel. Leave a comment if you want and I will try my best to respond. You can still follow me on my Twitter or my Facebook.

As always thanks for all the support.

SinSiNattie

p.s. Book?.....maybe....patience (:

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Waiting...

I don't necessarily want to be happy; I just want to stop feeling miserable. I'm just now learning how to smile but it's not an easy thing to do. But when it almost hurts almost as much to smile in front of everyone than to cry alone that is when you have a breaking point. At times i'm to be remembered as the girl who always smiled, the one who could brighten up your day, even if I couldn't brighten up my own. I try to get to the bottom of my emotions and then I realize that I don't know what I want in life. I don't know what I want right now. All I know is that I'm hurting so much inside that it's eating me, and one day, there won't be any of me left. You start life with a clean slate. Then you begin to make your mark. You face decisions, make choices. You keep moving forward. But sooner or later there comes a time where you look back over where you have been and wonder who you really are. This is where I am right now.

It's the loneliest feeling in the world - to find yourself standing up when everyone else is sitting down. To have everybody look at you and say "what's the matter with her?" I know what it feels like. Walking down an empty street, listening to the sound of your own footsteps. Shutters closed, blinds drawn, doors locked against you. And you aren't sure whether you're walking toward something, or if you're just walking away. I know it seems like I'm this strong person who can get though anything, but inside I'm fragile. I've had so many things thrown at me, and each one has only made a crack. What I'm afraid of at this very moment is myself shattering into thousands of little pieces. It's like I realized that way down inside, I've always been lonely for something. But I don't know what for. It's like everybody in the world want's something. Only they never really know exactly what it is - they just keep finding out what it's not. You know how, when you turn off the TV or you come out of some concert, and everything just feels empty? Like you thought that would be what you wanted, and then it wasn't? That's that feeling... If you can't solve it, it isn't a problem - it's reality. And sometimes reality is the hardest thing to understand and the thing that takes the longest to realize. But once it hits you in the face you'll never forget it. It will always be there in your memories and sometimes that is the best way to look at it.

Do you ever get that feeling where you don't want to talk to anybody? You don't want to smile and you don't want to fake being happy. But at the same time you don't know exactly what's wrong either. There isn't a way to explain it to someone who doesn't already understand. If you could want anything in the world it would be to be alone. People have stopped being comforting and being alone never was. At least when you're alone no one will constantly ask you what is wrong and there isn't anyone who won't take 'I don't know' for an answer. You feel the way you do just because. You hope the feeling will pass soon and that you will be able to be yourself again, but until then all you can do is wait.

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I Wear No Masks...

What's wrong people ask. Are you okay is the next question. At this point my very blunt, unedited and graphic response is just this:

I'm dealing with stupid shit everyday! I'm dealing with "girls" (and I'm not talking about my children) everyday that want people to feel fucking sorry for them on a daily basis so you can just..I dunno, think about them maybe. I'm so fucking tired of dealing with insecure GIRLS that want to blame everyone for their fuck-ups in life. Instead of doing what the fuck they were taught they decided to do "other shit" that got they asses caught up and now they want sympathy for their short-comings. I'm realizing that the word "family" doesn't mean a damn thing to some people unless they are benefiting from it. I'm also understanding that apparently I had this silver spoon in my mouth and got everything handed to me on a silver, no wait, platinum platter (because some people think or imply that I'm perfect). The truth of the matter is this. I know right from wrong and I also know that It took ME making a decision to change my life. I believe that I have done the very best possible to get myself to where I am today. Now, I apologize that your mother or father did not hug you enough ( and I am not a compassionate person like that either) but that didn't mean that they didn't sacrifice for you. RESPECT THAT! Ya'll's issues are not my fault...their yours! If you feel like you got the short end of anything go to the source which is not me! It is not my job to run to you and say 'job well done' that's your parents place if its due but the fact that I'm not up your ass or calling you or catering to you does not mean that I owe you anything other than conversation if I should want to converse with you. So at this point my only words are FUCK YOU! GROW UP! MOVE ON!

Now, I'm also dealing with a lunatic that has only grown in body and has the mind of a 8 year old. So for you GIRL, please see above because that shit pertains to you too! I am sick and tired of GIRLS trying to get anything/something for nothing or expecting someone to jump thru hoops for their bullshit but this WOMAN right here will gladly pass on the bullshit that you are serving. The fact that you breathe my air is troubling to me. The fact that I really wish that your air and my air was slightly different and maybe you could possibly choke on that shit so hard that it would bring you to your knees and then you can have every fucked up moment flash in front of you and you then evaluate your decision and realize and say "I FUCKED THAT UP" no anyone else. The word for this post is ACCOUNTABILITY! Can you actually say that you messed up? I remember when you did. I remember when she did and so did he. But the difference between me and ya'll is that I admit when I fuck up and then the process goes as such.."F.U.F.IT" which simply means "fuck up fix it!" Now there is something else to choke on while I know you're getting more and more pissed....and guess what.... I DON'T CARE!

This life that I'm in right now is so abnormal that I really want to just buy a ticket and go... no destination in mind. No people in mind to visit when I get there. It's in so much disarray that I personally don't know whether i'm coming or going. But I do know that I am not in control of it. I'm spiraling into this place where I just don't care. I don't care if my words hurt you, I don't care if you get upset. Everyone has baggage. I swear we do but the question is whether it's a badass Swiss Army indestructible bag or just your basic bag that came from family dollar. The difference between these sets of baggage is simply this: the owner! If you carry your baggage confidently then there is nothing to worry about but if you walking with that FD bag and hiding behind trees, cars, telephones, court papers or whatever tha fuck it is that came with that shit...FIX IT! That ain't my job. I may help and maybe because I know what I'm doing I can help you but what you won't do is take me thru changes that complicate my life and you are not trying to be ACCOUNTABLE. What you are doing is allowing someone to control YOUR LIFE. That's great and fine but ummm.... fuck all that shit! I'm tired of dealing with bullshit of someone else's past. I don't have shit like that going on in my past AT ALL. There is only so fucking much that one person can take and today I'm saying that I'm so cool with biting my tongue. Thru blood covered teeth from the punctures I say this....DEAL WITH THIS SHIT!

I'm I guess a different kind of person. I don't require a pat on the back to get me going, a pep talk to get me motivated. I know what the fuck I'm supposed to do in this life right here! And guess what, it's not to pity you. I don't have time for that mess. Get your shit together! Get order and focus in your life. It's like a fucking math problem. Add up all your fucked up shit and divide it by the good shit and find your "MEAN-ing" of your life. I really hope someone got that and I know that it was waaaay over some of your heads, but I refuse to "dumb-down" anything else. You betta come prepared with a dictionary; Merriam-Webster, Logman, online, pictures...hell grab tha fucking urban dictionary if you have too!

What was the word again....ACCOUNTABILITY...Just because you made a fucked up decision in/with your life does not mean that I need to be there to pull you out your trenches. Their YOURS....deal with it! Everyone take care of your responsibilities....all of them! Do you boo...do you. People quit acting like Facebook is the bible and everyone is out to get you or is talking about you when probably in reality you are the only one talking about it to make you seem more important than what your relaying in your physical form. Walk the fuckin walk! Man, oh man, I starting to sound like my Uncle Jim and dropping all kinds of "F-bombs" but this is where I am with all this shit. Let's understand together, Mark Zuckerberg wanted to create an atmosphere where you could connect with friends, share how you feel, check-in to where ever the hell you are and then he gave us the ability to do this thing that looks like "@type a fucking name here"...............................wait for it.........................did you see that??? He helped you make people accountable for something. Example being this, @Brian Wilson, you still piss the most excellent piss ever. You get it? What I just did right there was make a statement to Brian Wilson and he knows that it was directed to him therefore holding him accountable for the piss. The validity of it all is that you can go to http://brianpissesexcellence.blogspot.com/ and see that 'lil chocolate cartoon figure with a perfect fade straight pissing excellence from his pants.... pause for you to check it out............. or when I put down @Terrance Cain, why exactly are you singing with a Santa Claus beard on in your video on your page.... again, you can go there and see truth of what I'm talking about.......another pause..... check it out. Now when i say something like "I really wish you would get your life together and make something other than a spectacle of yourself" then it's up to you to understand that it was a general statement and nothing further.

As I begin to finally bring this rant to an end, I'm still a little heated because I'm giving my 200% in this life and I feel that everyone should do the same. Realistically I'm giving my 100% and it symbolizes the properties of this: "The part of a whole, which is ITSELF only the part of a greater totality" Read that statement, and then read it again. Now think about what it means to you. "Mask" are for cowards! Be who you are and be satisfied.

So in closing I say this...I remove people from my life and there are others that remove themselves and I tell you this....THANK YOU, because you have just helped me realize that in the words of my girl Evita "You were a non-muthafuckin factor" in my life anyway!

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