If… Only you knew….

{Singin}
If only you knew,
How much I do…
Do love you.
If only you knew,
How much I do…
Do need you

AS I SIT HERE PONDERING MY CURRENT DOWNFALL
I WONDER WAS IT EVEN WORTH IT AT ALL.
TO GO THROUGH ALL THE DRAMA, PAIN,
AND SUFFERING
TELLING MYSELF DON'T LOOK BACK
DON'T THINK OF RETURNING.

LOVE HAS A WAY OF SHOWING ITSELF
RENDERING YOU HELPLESS
TILL YOU BLAME YOURSELF
WHY CAN'T THINGS BE THE WAY THEY SHOULD
WHY CANT WE HAVE WHAT GOD TOLD
US WE WOULD

MY MAMA WARNED ME THERE
WILL BE DAYS LIKE THIS
WHEN THE PIECES OF LIFE
JUST WILL NOT FIT
I KEEP MY HEAD UP AND THANK GOD EVERYDAY
FOR GIVING ME PEACE AND SHOWING
ME THE WAY

I USED TO SING LOVE DON'T LIVE HERE ANYMORE
IT PACKED ITS BAG AND RAN OUT THE DOOR
NOW I KNOW THAT TRUE LOVE COMES FROM WITHIN
CAUSING NO GRIEF OR SORROW
NO LUST OR SIN

I WISH I COULD JUST FLY AWAY
IN SEARCH OF A BETTER DAY
BUT GOD IS MY STRENGTH
MY JOY AND PEACE
AND HE'LL SHOW ME THAT RAINBOW
ONCE THE RAIN HAS CEASED.

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MARRIAGE –By 'Justin Jones-Fosu

When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I've got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.

Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly.

She didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?

I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn't talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn't love her anymore. I just pitied her!

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company.

She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.

The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn't have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane.

When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.

In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn't want anything from me, but needed a month's notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month's time and she didn't want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.

This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day.

She requested that every day for the month's duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.

I told Jane about my wife's divorce conditions. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.

My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don't tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside
the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn't looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me.

On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn't tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.

She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.

Suddenly it hit me... she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.

Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it's time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.

But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn't noticed that our life lacked intimacy.

I drove to office.... jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind...I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore.

She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Jane, I said, I won't divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn't value the details of our lives, not because we didn't love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart.

Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away.

At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I'll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.

That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed - dead.
My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push thru with the divorce.-- At least, in the eyes of our son--- I'm a loving husband....

The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves. So find time to be your spouse's friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage!

If you don't share this, nothing will happen to you.

If you do, you just might save a marriage.
Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.

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What’s Your Commandment?

If you could add a commandment, what would it be and why. I have listed the ten as we know it…

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Just Another Day…

After saying that enough is enough that doesn't change the fact that I still love him. Regardless of how things are and and why they were that way, I still miss him. I miss the things that we used to do. I miss the things that we used to share. The moments that started with silence that ended in laughter. The moments that started in laughter and ended in tears. Sometimes tears of joy and sometimes just tears without explanation.

Dealing with emotions that are out of my control. I hate him, I love him, I need him, and then there is fuck him. But then the heart still bleeds. Though its been years that I've felt this way it hard to overcome what the heart wants. Can you ever choose what you want over what the heart wants? See, I let love in Despite letdowns and past heartbreak, chose to love infinitely and without boundaries. Was this wrong? I opened my mind and I understand that Sometimes we can't put our minds around love ... we can't know why someone chooses to love us. But I opened my mind to the possibility of love. Then I opened my heart. And in learning to open my mind to the possibility of love, and opening my heart to love back, and in return, let love in. Was this a mistake?
Let Love In…. So I've done this, and learned to open my mind and heart to the possibility of loving someone else, learn to let someone else love me back….

Jean Anouilh says that "There is love of course. And then there's life, its enemy." I think that I'm starting to believe this. And then G. K. Chesterton said that "The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost." So , is this where the pain comes from? I so want to take back the saying that "Pain is Love" and just let Ja Rule just do another remix. Hmm, maybe with JayZ and Rihanna or some shit like that! Just another day in paradise trying to figure this mess out… where is my Phil Collins CD at?!?!?

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Untitled…

I'm sitting here lonely,
Miserable and confused.
Wondering how could I give a nigga my mind, body, and soul.
Ant still I get used?

I keep asking myself why?
Why did I have to be a victim of loves consequences?
Why is it that my heart always has to be so secluded?
Kept from others and fenced in?

Like a loaded beretta,
I was so anxious and ready to use that four-letter word.
Blind to the knowledge about the power it carries,
I mean, only stories I've heard.

Desiring a destiny of someone,
Who love is so demanding and strict.
Seek and you should find your worth,
And I guess mine aint shit.

Knowing at my age,
The technique of my wisdom is so unique.
But still allowing love to break me down,
And making me weak.

I've given up on love,
Because I never come out with the winning hand.
Having the potential to exceed in this game,
But continuously coming out with just a friend.

I can't keep intentionally preparing myself to get hurt.
I know my special someone is out there,
Waiting for me to release all of my love onto them determined for this to work

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My Book...

I thought you were the conclusion of my book,

But it turns out that you’re only a chapter.

Finally deprived from your lies,

Realizing there’s never really a happily ever after.

Reading you page by page,

Trying to understand the description of your story.

Provoked by your words,

Confused, but still allowing you to allure me.

When you get lost,

You’d repeatedly come back.

But wait, something’s not the same,

Love and attention is what you lack.
I tried to go slow as I possibly could,

But I couldn’t do it,

I can’t take this anymore.

I can’t stay in this one spot,

I have to move to the next chapter.

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Lesson Learned...

He was never mine

But the love he gave to me was divine

He was like my remedy

But he only helped with one need

I made the mistake by letting my feelings get too strong

But what we had was wrong…

I have to let all this sh– burn

I’m not going to sit here and yearn

Is he worth it?

I need a man who’s legit

Cuz I’m so sick of these muthafuckas round here

Is it too hard for a girl to find a man who can be real and sincere…

All the ones I’ve seen are the same…

All them fools love to run these games.

Why haven’t I found one who can do right?

All the good ones don’t seem to come into my sight.

I been fallin’ for the same ones every time..

Why have I been making the wrong ones mine?

But once you’ve given yourself to someone it’s impossible not to reminisce….

Because In you, he will always exist…

And in the end, when the game is adjourned…

you’re always left with a lesson learned.

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Anything....Everything....Nothing

First let me say this....THIS IS MY LIFE...

I'm getting sarcastic remarks about a party that I know absolutely nothing about! She mentioned her birthday and doing my hair in no specific order and BOOM!...I'm placed there by association. How can you be pissed at me because of someone elses shit? Okay readers, I'm gonna be pissed at you because one of my other readers didn't tell me about a party that I have no control over at another readers venue...sigh!!! Why does this always happen. I've opened up my entire life to you and you get upset at me. How about how I feel when you have family gatherings that I'm not even invited to. I'm at home alone. I make up excuses to my family about your whereabouts as I sit at home alone...

It's about to be me and my kids and fuck the rest. If we cannot mesh our families by now we never will and it is never to be. "Tired of Waiting" that's my life. Wrapped up in someone's selfishness which is leaving me with depression. It's not fair. Tired of getting comments like " I dont know what you do when I'm not there" ..my response at this point is "change it and be here and you will know exactly what I do" even though at that point I will be sleep because I cannot sleep when he is not here. So lame to love someone so much that it hurts. I do love him and I do care but considering the circumstances we just cannot be with one another. So why do we continue and let things get worse because we both know in our hearts that it will never get better? I've been here giving my all and I don't want to say that he isn't but not the way that I want him to. I want to roll over in the bed to him in the mornings, go to sleep with him in my evenings and that is just not going to happen. I want to have a family and move forward but yet I'm going backwards.

I dont want him to choose between me and his kids because to him that's what he thinks that I'm asking. This is NOT what I want because if I had to make the decision I would choose my children over any relationship! I just want him to make a better commitment to me at which he cannot do. Why keep going thru the struggle I always ask myself? Because of love...what is love? Did I blog about the definition of love once before? What about other expressive words in a relationship? Such as:

Love-- The feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection for someone or something. I have that. I feel that for this person. Strongly to the point where it hurts.

Devotion--profound dedication to someone. I also have this. This also hurts.

and then there is Commitment- often viewed as the decision to stay with your partner for life. Commitments may range from simple verbal agreements (not to become emotionally and/or sexually involved with other people) to publicly formalized legal contracts (marriage). However, commitment is more than simply agreeing to stay with your partner through bad times. Commitment means being devoted to doing things to nurture the relationship and protect it from harm and to fix it if damaged. Both partners care about each other's needs and must be willing to put each other's needs first--including being willing to make personal sacrifices for the good of the relationship. The partners should be willing to depend on each other and feel secure that each will be loyal to each other and to the relationship.

That is where everything falls apart...at commitment. I dont want a commitment of a timeblock, i want the commitment of a lifetime. Dr. Tracy says that commitment comes in steps:

You begin dating every Saturday night. --Well sort of, kind of...this was nice
You miss each other whenever you're apart. --Always, every moment of every day
You agree to make your relationship monogamous --Albsolutely, wouldn't have it any other way!
You make future plans together--Can't do this...
You begin seeing each other all weekend and during the week as well--More like two blocks of time during the week and a block on Saturdays.
You sleep together almost every night--Not even hardly. I would kill for this day.. these moments.
You're happy with your relationship 90 percent of the time--I cant say that I exactly am. I love the person. But the relationship is far from a relationship.
You spend vacations and holidays together--Never
You give each other little gifts--I try...
You meet each other's families--He's met mine...not the other way around.
You discuss finances--For what, I'm still tryin to have "my time"
You move in together--No...
You seriously discuss having children together, or not--I wanted another child.....he said no...opportunity gone for a lifetime for me.

You start to acquire property together (anything from a VCR to a house) and co-mingle monies in some way--No...
You marry or make some other form of lifelong commitment to each other--No...it takes two. Yet another painful realization.

According to Dr. Tracy how long does the process from meeting to marriage take? A typical and reasonable time to progress from meeting to marriage is two years. C'mon, really. I can't get this man to spend the night frequently let alone marry me...ugh! The heart is some fucked up drug that poisons your soul. And if loving someone is done right, it should never hurt.

What we have is a Romantic Love where it bonds individuals emotionally through intimacy and physically through passionate arousal. What I want...yearn for is Consummate love, the complete form of love, representing an ideal relationship. Within this love there is intimacy, passion and commitment. To have all three would be like dwelling in the heavens.

Now I understand that men express love thru actions. I also understand that there are some signs that tell you that a man loves you:

When a man loves you, he will seek to meet your needs--what needs are the question here...

He will be supportive--..............

He will respond to your emotional needs. Does he do his best to make you feel secure?--Of course he does, but the problem is that what's the point in being secure if its only while he is here...hence my frustrations...ugh!!!

He'll make a commitment to you--Again, this is where I'm fucked!!! I'm really starting to hate that word!

I put this section in red because my heart is bleeding. Now, this is what I do know. He loves me. I see it in his face. I love him…I feel it. But why can’t we get to a point where we just say that we gave it our best shot. I honestly believe that if I knew that feelings would get involved considering the circumstances, I know that we both would have agreed to not pursue anything. Before we could get a handle of what was going on it was already too late. Now what?... that is the burning question. When we discuss breaking up it’s never an understanding. I’m made to feel guilty for not “hanging in there”. He’s already expressed that things don’t happen overnight and it will not be forever. But my stance is that there is a hell of a lot of time between me dyin and forever. And why is this feeling from me okay with him? I wish I could speak to him and ask these questions but it always ends in an argument. Him getting defensive as if I am accusing when all I’m looking for is answers. All I want to know is a timeline. I feel so much like an outsider in his world. A nobody...nothing. I want to talk to you. I want to feel you...I cant do any of this thru a text message. We are not teenagers yet adults. If we cannot TALK now there is nothing that can be put in a text message to make it right. In a different time and place someone could handle this situation. But I cannot. I'm not strong enough to handle this. I have failed and I do not do failure at all. All my life its been about what my partner wanted and never about what I want. I dont ask for much. And in a normal situation I know that you would give me what I want. But there is nothing normal about our situation and i'm hurting....badly. And when I tell you that I dont want to hurt anymore the response is "dont". How insensative of you. There is no fault in this at all. No one is to blame. It just happened. I admit to falling for a man that cannot catch me. And I fell hard so the impact is going to cause a lifetime of pain. Scars on top of my already opened wounds. We both are caught in the middle of love's hell. Wow, me using oxymoron's. I'm impressed. In this cyber world where you dont know me and I dont know you I'm yet again lost with my feelings and no one to talk to. I hate that you make me feel that I'm consumed with my feelings of you. As I sit here and type and tears fall down my face because there is no one that knows who you are to say how I, Natasha really feel about you. And at this point it will never be understood how I really feel about our relationship that is really going nowhere. Love…. Is all that we share… but its that fucked up word (Commitment) that is missing.

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Safe

My Sister Shawnna has been thru several ups and downs in her life and thru her writing is where she can release. I've noticed that she has been up a lot of sleepless nights contemplating life and her next move and I'm positive it will be in the direction that is best for her familiy and her life. So at 4:07am when most of the world is sleeping she writes....

Safe

I am safe within my four corner wall...I have no concerns and worries I haven't risked it all...My mind is telling me to fall but I still remain here safe within my 4corner wall!! Sorrounded by comfort of being inside my zone If I take a risk I might fall alone...Need I stay in these 4corners that I own.I am and will remain always safe within this wall that I own!! Everything that I try has an oppurtunity cost everyone around me has replaced someone through the years I have lost...Consequences of my actions I have lived with through my own defeats. Little battles I have won and lost surrounding me...I am safe within my 4 corner wall safe to say I haven't risked it all...Isn't a part of life living and moving toward your dream? How can I be safe within my 4 corner wall? I haven't but yet I have risked it all!! Outside of these walls that I have prepared to shut me in... At times I reach for that guided hand from my brother from my friend...sometimes when I reach out there is no one at the other end...That is when I kneel down and call on my always constant friend!! My trials are not my own my battles have been won my tribulations belong to him In these 4corners that I own... where I am and never will be standing here alone!!

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A.K.A. Also Known As....

So this is where you try to think of every "Other Name" that others have given you and why. I guess that I will go first...lol!

Nattie- Apparently this is my sexy and feisty alter ego...lol! Yet bitchy all the time!

SinSiNattie- My writing name to be unique and a clever way to spell "Cincinnati"

Ms. Johnson- My true name but people only use it to attempt to get their point across.

Sunshine- I'm bright...what else can I say.

Gladys Kravitz- I was a nosey little girl. My uncle gave me this name after the nosey neighbor on Bewitched because I would always tell on him.

Tottie- Granny stills calls me this, but I have no idea why.

Pookie Dookie Sissy Poo---OMG, I can't believe that I'm tellin ya'll all of this...lol! My sister to this day still calls me names like this...and in public ya'll...lmao!

Sunflower-- I'm not gonna say...this is personal...

Momma- Cuz I'm always takin care of people

Toshie Posh or Bosh--smdh, I'm still not sure about this one...lol!

And my latest one...."Frosty" given to me by Mara because of a status on Facebook that got totally out of control (in a good way). After all that I was initiated into "the circle"! Whoo-hooo!

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Once Again, because someone wants me too...

So I am not in control of my life. I now still realize this. Unfortunately, i have removed and deleted all of my followers to my blogsite. I'm being questioned about what I do and what I write so it is only a matter of time that I shut down the entire page. Shutting down the only part of my life that I felt that I had complete control. I am being accused of doing shit that I would never do and frankly tired of having to prove myself. So I will be in my own personal hell for the time being. I know what I want is never going to happen and it's my fault that I will not leave the situation. I'm being punished daily and this what I call "life". I have everything but in fact nothing at all. Looking forward to building up the confidence to just leave and move forward with my life instead of going backwards at my own expense. If you want to live this bullshit life then stay where you are and let me live mine with my girls and move FORWARD. I will not sacrifice my life and constantly be accused of stuff because you know deep in your heart that that person that you say I am is not me. Quit sayin that you dont know what I do when you are not here. You have ability to be here when you want to be. I'm not keeping you from here...you are, your situation is! I WILL NOT BE living in somebodies shadows. I deserve better. You can not give me the slightest thing of what I want right now so I truly believe that we should part ways and when that time comes when you can give yourself to me appropriately like I have to you it could be the most beautiful thing. What you are doing to me is unfair and selfish. Because you want our relationship to be, means that I have to continue to live lies and be alone. I'd rather be alone then to be dealing with this constant strain on my heart. Just because we love each other doesn't mean that it is meant for us to be with each other at this present point.

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