Happiness...

“The pain I feel now is the happiness I had before. That's the deal.” -- C.S Lewis

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I'm Goin Innnnnn......

I'm going to explode today. I'm sick of dealing with idiots that dont know a real woman when they find one. Story has it that you live with baby momma and your three kids (yes, I'm putting it all out there today) so why in the hell are you coming at me like I was a problem. Sweetie I was single, not "attached". As much as you would like to think that you are running shit you really need to ask your baby momma for approval to wear her title. I am and always will be independent and up on my shit ALWAYS! So this is what you need to do: Grow the fuck up! If I say that I'm not with my kids father and we "Parent" our kids that what the fuck we do! And not to mention that we got the shit down! We know what we doing. Now the sad part is that you live with all them and it is dysfunction all the way around. How could I really be so dumb to try to make shit work with someone that don't have nothing going on for themselves. I've been working in the music industry for years now and the reason that you not going nowhere but Cincinnati is because you aint original. You tryin to be like fools that's already making Millions and its so funny to me to hear how they think of you as "played out." I love working with my Bone crew. They know how tha game is to be played! They in the business of making money...you in tha business of tryin to spend money that you aint got. Trying to keep up with the "Jones'" and putting other people in a bind is not you being independent. That's a grown ass man mooching off of his semi-elderly mother because he knows that since she do it for the other brother that it should be done for him. SAB (Sorry ass bastard) is what you are.

Your idea of a relationship is trying to isolate the female so that you are the only man that she is seeing. Well this is the thing, that only goes so far. Did that work for your baby momma that drives your truck to meet up with her man when you are here at my house. Yea that's the PI report that you fail to believe because you think that you got your "household" together. Ummm naw! You let your kids think that they mini thugs and hoe's all because that's what you and they momma do. But my kids....Straight A's homie! In my house a C & D is unacceptable. I am so tired of men these days making up bullshit ass excuses for their actions: This is how I was raised, he just like me, she just like her momma. WOW!!!

Now let's get into some seriousness of things. Cancer is a disease...a killer. And to lie to someone about being there for them just makes you look like a bigger asshole than you actually are. No wait, the biggest asshole of the bigger asshole that you are. Out of all the relationships that I have had you were the worst!! You are a liar...actually a fucking liar (sorry for the language, but it is so needed at this moment). Now I can deal with a lot of shit: not being communicated with, listened to, not helped amongst all other things but none of them were liars. Therefore you take the prize...Yes you are "legendary" a legendary asshole liar! Because someone visits me in the hospital that's unacceptable to you...why, because they were a male. Wow! The really fucked up thing is that you didn't CALL OR SHOW UP! But, you would come over and in the midst of me throwing up you would ask me if I was okay... I mean really, I'm throwing up! But you would leave me there, on the floor releasing my insides to the ceramic God. You are useless! You are selfish! You are a liar and you will never be anything but a wannabe thug making music in somebody's basement. Wow, you just dont know how good this feels. I'm not answering the phone or responding to any text messages. You are dead to me, just like your kids and your entire family.

It's got to get really old temping at a place for years and they wont hire you. I wouldn't hire your ass either. You late everyday and falsifying drug test...we all know you smoke...hmmm....maybe the job needs to be more "random" with they test.

I get so amazed to see all these young boyz frontin and mess. Nice cars, nice cribs, they may be hustlin but they got stuff to show for it. You got your rim rental receipt that aint all the way paid off...smdh! I really need to stop because at this point you really need to hate me... I dont ever want to see your ass around my way anymore. And to think you was waiting on a key to my kingdom... Bitch Please, be lucky you got one to subsidized housing you living in that I contributed to. My lovely tax dollars at its best. This is why there are people out on the street now because you got a wanna be old ass dope boy frontin with his wannabe hoe and they kids living in housing but to the woman that's hard on her luck with her children sleeping under a bridge somewhere...Where they do that at ya'll? Oh, I forgot, here in Cincinnati, in Seven Hills to be exact.

I'm done with lames and they drama. I'm doing meeeeeeeeeee! I'm successful I'm not giving you the opportunity to benefit off my success. I'm loving working with the label and I sure as hell hope that I dont see that mess come across my desk or any colleagues cuz you already know where it's gonna go! PEACE...

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Roots...

So I took a new job, rather an additional job and I think that I like it so far. And things have been changing so much now that I have accepted some things that I really wasn't trying to see. I have this problem you see. A problem in which I try to help any and everyone in sight at whatever cost to me. Now I watched "Madea Goes To Jail" the other day and she said something that really stuck with me.

“Some people are meant to come into your life for a lifetime, some for only a season and you got to know which is which. And you’re always messing up when you mix those seasonal people up with lifetime expectations.

I put everybody that comes into my life in the category of a tree. Some people are like leaves on a tree. When the wind blows, they’re over there… wind blow that way they over here… they’re unstable. When the seasons change they wither and die, they’re gone. That’s alright. Most people are like that, they’re not there to do anything but take from the tree and give shade every now and then. That’s all they can do. But don’t get mad at people like that, that’s who they are. That’s all they were put on this earth to be. A leaf.

Some people are like a branch on that tree. You have to be careful with those branches too, ‘cause they’ll fool you. They’ll make you think they’re a good friend and they’re real strong but the minute you step out there on them, they’ll break and leave you high and dry.

But if you find two or three people in your life that’s like the roots at the bottom of that tree you are blessed. Those are the kind of people that aren’t going nowhere. They aren’t worried about being seen, nobody has to know that they know you, they don’t have to know what they’re doing for you but if those roots weren’t there, that tree couldn’t live.

A tree could have a hundred million branches but it only takes a few roots down at the bottom to make sure that tree gets everything it needs. When you get some roots, hold on to them but the rest of it… just let it go. Let folks go.”

Now, in the midst of dealing with constant lies and drama that has been put forth in my life over the past year...well hell, past 5 years, I've come to realize that I can be the root for all the people that I encounter. When you need me, lord knows that I am there! But then there is the times that I need people to be there too! I admit now that I'm not superwoman (as I would claim to be) but I am a great modified version. Now I've been dealing with bull and I mean some real mess that would make you question whether or not I was sane at the time. You can't help who you love and I swear the heart wants what it wants. BUT, this is when you/I need to wake the hell up and say "are you f'n kidding me?" I'm in the hospital and not once did you visit me, not once did you call. But a damn text message is supposed to be okay? Now, people come to see me all the way from NY because they know that I'm not feeling well to offer their time and shoulder if needed and you dont budge. What the hell is the real problem here. You get in a financial bind and you come to me, not the woman that you live with...Yea, I'm recognizing my stupidity!

Thru text message (always thru text message) you send me yet another coded message because you want me to blame you for everything because you blame you for everything. But the difference is when I do imply, you fly off the handle and yes I will hang the hell up on you or not respond.

But today...today was different. You questioned my whereabouts because you still dont understand when I tell you that I'm sick that it's not a cold i'm dealing with. But of course, if it's not your kids, mother, or brother it doesn't matter. My house is just the "safe haven" for you to escape the bullshit life that you created but cannot change because you are weak. You want people to understand your life but seriously...c'mon, you made that bed, now lay in it (and I'm sure you are) which I'm really not trying to hear that lie again either.

"Hope u have fun doing it, change is good for everyone"...this was the response from this man after learning that I am continuing to be successful and being my own woman without the help of anyone. Here's the thing, don't be mad at me because I'm younger and I have my shit together. Because I can come and go as I please because I don't cross anyone and my kids are welcomed anywhere they go. Jealousy and envy are a serious problem. William Penn said "The jealous are troublesome to others, but a torment to themselves." So what this means is just because you are miserable with your life, DO NOT bring that shit unto mine.

When I hit a milestone in my life I hear the beat. The beat of Webbie singing "Independent" Cuz I got my own house, and my own car, two jobs...work hard cuz i'm a bad broad. I'm realizing that you are definately a "leaf." You took from my tree but you neva even provided shade. That's like putting a joint in rotation and forgetting to pass it. Like driving the car with the emergency brake on. Like trying to throw a rock at the ground and missing. Okay, I'm done with all that. But seriously, I can count on my hands (and toes) how many roots I have in my life and I'm so grateful. I've just released a leaf that I honestly believe that they will never understand why. But i'm sure it will be my fault. But the thing is, this time.... I DONT CARE!

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From my "Pres"

In knowing people in high places, I really wanted to share this with all of you. I'm sure I will get a slap on the hand for sharing it but who cares. My life is your life...

"Natasha --

When Michelle and I sit down with our family to give thanks today, I want you to know that we'll be especially grateful for folks like you.

Everything we have been able to accomplish in the last two years was possible because you have been willing to work for it and organize for it.

And every time we face a setback, or when progress doesn't happen as quickly as we would like, we know that you'll be right there with us, ready to fight another day.

So I want to thank you -- for everything.

I also hope you'll join me in taking a moment to remember that the freedoms and security we enjoy as Americans are protected by the brave men and women of the United States Armed Forces. These patriots are willing to lay down their lives in our defense, and each of us owes them and their families a debt of gratitude.

Have a wonderful day, and God bless.

Barack"

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He is...

He is affectionate, assertive, competitive, confident, decisive, treats women as equal, hard-working, flexible, honest, trustworthy, fun-loving, a Father, good listener, stylish, spiritual, self-reliant, the list goes on...

I have been a witness to all of these actions first hand. So why must I still hold onto the past. I can't say that it was bad but I can say that once discovered it was overwhelming. I know that I love him with my everything and that he loves me. So now what? Why do we keep going in circles like we do? I love you? I love you. I love YOU! Yes I wrote that 3 different times and with three different meanings. Now that I've established that part of it the real question is "Why don't I trust you?" You've showed me nothing to make me feel like that you would put me in harms way at any part of our relationship. We made the commitment once before but it was never followed through. I had expectations and there was choices that needed to be made. Unfortunately those choices took him out my life. Was the decision that he made really worth losing me? Whatever the case may be, he was taken out of my life.

Years went by and then he was placed in my life once more. At this point feelings came rushing back and then the uncertainty set in. Why did we lose touch? What happens now? Where do we go from here (I never really liked that damn song!) But we sat...we waited...we reminessed...we wondered and then the decision was made to try. Try to love again.

So my delima these days is TRUST. It's hard to have you close when we have been distant for so long. I can't read how you feel and what you want. I see things that shouldn't upset me but clearly it does. So what now? Do we try again? And is my real issue really trust? Maybe I just don't forgive you. Is that really fair of me?

I'm finding that if love has any real meaning that somehow you helped me to define it. With so much energy between our hearts I'm not sure why we really just couldn't confine it between us. Like a princess I want to turn back time and hope for one more second in ur arms again. Losing all grasp on gravity when I'm with you is what I miss so much in my life.

I can't change the past and the mistakes i can't take away but I try to speak with my heart these days and it give me a whole new....well a different perspective. I know what you mean to me and I wish that I could do it all over again. I'd make it so that we could be together but that's something that I can't do alone. I've taken a minute, a second, a moment to make things the way that they should be in my heart and I know that If I walk away a second time that even our friendship will not last. I want to say that I'm a gambling woman and go "all in on black" and green and yellow and red because those are the colors embedded on my favorite hat that he wears. But now that I've given myself to him in a way that was far deeper than spoken words I'm hoping that he will understand. My "written words" are my voice and sometimes are heard more loudly. As my emerald eyes are filled with tears as his heart beats faster as he reads I guess we both are faced with a real life-changing decision to make. What exactly will that be?

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Questions...

When do you give up on your true love? You want to make every effort to attempt to "believe what they say and do" but something is tuggin at your heart to tell you to walk away better yet run... what should be done...what happens next?

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Love's Highway

It is impossible to fall out of love. Love is such a powerful emotion, that once it enulfs you it does not depart. True love is eternal. and if you were once in love, but fell out of it, then it wasn't love you were in. There are no 'exit' signs in love, there is only an 'on' ramp. Your job is to just be clear in the 'destination' that you are trying to reach---- SinSiNattie

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