He is...

He is affectionate, assertive, competitive, confident, decisive, treats women as equal, hard-working, flexible, honest, trustworthy, fun-loving, a Father, good listener, stylish, spiritual, self-reliant, the list goes on...

I have been a witness to all of these actions first hand. So why must I still hold onto the past. I can't say that it was bad but I can say that once discovered it was overwhelming. I know that I love him with my everything and that he loves me. So now what? Why do we keep going in circles like we do? I love you? I love you. I love YOU! Yes I wrote that 3 different times and with three different meanings. Now that I've established that part of it the real question is "Why don't I trust you?" You've showed me nothing to make me feel like that you would put me in harms way at any part of our relationship. We made the commitment once before but it was never followed through. I had expectations and there was choices that needed to be made. Unfortunately those choices took him out my life. Was the decision that he made really worth losing me? Whatever the case may be, he was taken out of my life.

Years went by and then he was placed in my life once more. At this point feelings came rushing back and then the uncertainty set in. Why did we lose touch? What happens now? Where do we go from here (I never really liked that damn song!) But we sat...we waited...we reminessed...we wondered and then the decision was made to try. Try to love again.

So my delima these days is TRUST. It's hard to have you close when we have been distant for so long. I can't read how you feel and what you want. I see things that shouldn't upset me but clearly it does. So what now? Do we try again? And is my real issue really trust? Maybe I just don't forgive you. Is that really fair of me?

I'm finding that if love has any real meaning that somehow you helped me to define it. With so much energy between our hearts I'm not sure why we really just couldn't confine it between us. Like a princess I want to turn back time and hope for one more second in ur arms again. Losing all grasp on gravity when I'm with you is what I miss so much in my life.

I can't change the past and the mistakes i can't take away but I try to speak with my heart these days and it give me a whole new....well a different perspective. I know what you mean to me and I wish that I could do it all over again. I'd make it so that we could be together but that's something that I can't do alone. I've taken a minute, a second, a moment to make things the way that they should be in my heart and I know that If I walk away a second time that even our friendship will not last. I want to say that I'm a gambling woman and go "all in on black" and green and yellow and red because those are the colors embedded on my favorite hat that he wears. But now that I've given myself to him in a way that was far deeper than spoken words I'm hoping that he will understand. My "written words" are my voice and sometimes are heard more loudly. As my emerald eyes are filled with tears as his heart beats faster as he reads I guess we both are faced with a real life-changing decision to make. What exactly will that be?