A Beautiful Mess

With every snag of my wedding rings it becomes more real. I dated this man for the last time on May 29th and was determined to have him "date" me to the fullest that day. As we awoke (yeah right, me...sleep..nah!) on the morning of May 30th it seemed like just another day. We ran to Meijer to grab a couple of things and headed back to the house. Normal conversation, normal attitudes, and just a normal day. No time for thoughts to really cross my mind other than "drama-free".

I just need (wanted) this one day for nothing else to exist in the world but us. Well, of course it seems that people sense when others are happy and they want to make an appearance to say "i'm still here to "f" with you (in not so many words). When will all this mess be over?!

This is day 5 of my marriage and it all has seemed like a blur. I look at the pictures at least 4 times a day and watch the video maybe once or twice. I think I missed it! Yes I was there, and I said "I will, for better, for worse, to love and to cherish, and ending with I pledge thee my faith" and for an entire 45 minutes of our new life nothing else existed. But as it grew closer to the end of the night it didn't feel any different. It was just another day of good food, laughter and anything and everything to keep our minds off of other things going on in our life. So this is what I'm struggling with today. That day (my wedding day) was not my day. It was a borrowed day from someone that decided to not "f" with us long enough for us to do what we had to do. Our lives right now are not "ours" it's controlled by someone that refuses to be accountable for their actions. We are puppets dangling from strings of whatever the color of choice is that day for this person. Our biggest hurtle as a married couple is conquering this "demon" that is determined to rip us apart. I'm not speaking in a literal term but in the sense of that the uncertainty and misjudgment, and purely two different entities tackling the same beast but first WE have to be on the same page.

Anthony Robbins said it best and I couldn't relay how I feel more directly than this... "You are at a crossroads. This is your opportunity to make the most important decision you will ever make. Forget your past. Who are you now? Who have you decided you really are now? Don't think about who you have been. Who are you now? Who have you decided to become? Make this decision consciously. Make it carefully. Make it powerfully."

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Life Changes

My life is changing so much these days for the better and can only imagine where this journey will lead. I've found the love of my life and I wouldn't change a thing. Times that we spend together only confirm that this is where I want and need to be.

Now that we have found our happiness I'm trying to figure out where the hell other people's convictions are. If I love this man and he loves me, what's the real issue? Nobody knows but us what we've been thru to make it back to each other. Thru circumstance and time we drifted from one another. Trying to fight the feelings that we both shared for each other it was time that we realized that we couldn't run any longer from the inevitable.

Time is changing and a brighter horizen is near. I look in the eyes of this man and I see myself smiling back. The only reason that I am able to smile is because of the man smiling back at me.

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I've been distant from writing lately as there have been some things that have been going on in my life that I really need to displace. I do reflect what I feel into my writing and frankly the things that I have been dealing with is unimaginable to the "normal" person. I guess that the lesson that I need to learn is that again I need to lower my expectations of people so the disappointment in them doing wrong is not such a heavy blow. When do people just "get it" and something in them says "what am I doing with my life, and how does it affect others?" People cannot just NOT care can they? Sitting here as tire as I am I still find time to try to evaluate their mental capacity and it's breaking down my own. On a brighter note, besides all the drama floating around, I found myself. I found myself in the form of a man that looks at me and there are no words to describe the feelings that are felt. An unspoken word that is so clear. It's like drinking a ice cold Sierra Mist! Getting that sudden refreshment feeling that is fast, intense and surprising. I'm happy to surround myself with my circle that has showed me unconditional love throughout everything when I thought that I just needed to run and hide. And please understand that by me saying "run and hide" it means so that I don't choke the shit outta you for being ignorant. I'm done with drama. I'm ready to he happy, been ready to be happy....So leave me alone and let me soak all this in!

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The Games that "Bitches" and "Bitches" Play...

First let me explain this title as it is more graphic than most things that I write. Well these days have been filled with so much drama that It's come to the point where I've lost track of names and have replaced the name and the actions with the words "Bitch". So instead of me referring to you as Jane or John it's just simply "bitch" and whatever you did was a "bitch move!" So this is what's been the issues that have been turning me into that alter ego bitch Nattie;

Listen up because I'm about to let ya'll in on the game that "Bitches" and "Bitches" play.

You already know that I'm to a point where I really need to say

Aint it funny how the one guy said that he would treat you like a queen

You know, the one who every time you was in trouble gave a shoulder to lean

He would do so much crazy shit that you couldn't believe

And even tho you knew it was gonna hurt you, you had no choice to leave

You claimed you felt my pain when I told you about the others that broke my heart

And you also claimed that you was faithful ever since the start

But now I know better and all ya'll wanna do is hit

But because of this ya'll seeing that us females are on that same shit

There's gotta be something wrong when I can't trust you in tha 'Nati

Or are these just the thoughts of me, ya girl...SinSiNattie

Cuz right now I feel like why should I get played by the "bitch" when I can be the player

And I can save all that lovey dovie shit til I'm over 40 or later

So until then why not be like young money and fuck every "bitch" in tha world

You already showed me that you don't care if you fuck your homie's girl

Apparently nobody is faithful to these relationships anyways

You played me once so now that's the skill that I demonstrate

Females be like the men and see what they can get

And remember we on that same shit now when we get done just like ya'll "who's next"

Now I'm not calling every female and every dude a "Bitch"

But if the description describe you then the description fits

And ladies just because one "bitch" broke your heart

Of that pain, the next man and every other "bitch" in the world didn't have a part

But ladies since we gonna be on that same shit and do dirt

Remember not to put your feelings on the line and get hurt

You see, that "same shit" is just a TRUST problem

We have to at some point TRUST that they are different and it wont be a problem

But this is just the game that Bitches and Bitches play

And hopefully they'll find true love.... one day.

As for me I'm on that "new shit" and that word TRUST is no longer in my vocabulary.

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Shielded...

From the dark corner I see your face

The beauty of your face lightens up my day

But you don't know the feelings I feel inside

I feel, you don't

But I never tried because

My shield is up but i'll let it down for you

But I won't let you throw my heart in circles

But please know that my love is for real

I never chased your love

But I'm afraid

Afraid of getting crushed to pieces

But how will I know if these walls are up?

And should they be with you?

From the dark corner I see your smile

Most beautiful thing I ever saw

The sweetness of your voice reminds me

That I believe I've chosen an angel

I feel, you don't

But I never tried because

From the dark corner I see your being

A person that is just as scared as me but won't admit

The same tension that empowers our souls

Is the same tension that will force havoc and spin us into...

Yet another dark corner to watch each other and see what move is to be made

Who has built up the strength to move about this dark corner

I feel, you don't

But I never tried because

I've followed the roads that I've traveled alone

The lonely nights that I dreamed

It just takes that one risk, that one chance

But is it only worth it to me

Or are you comfortable in that dark corner

Apparently I am wasting my time

Because I feel, you don't...

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I am...

I CAN SEE RIGHT PAST YOUR COMPLICATED MASKS
GIVE A REFINED ANSWER TO ANY QUESTION YOU ASK
RAISE 1 OR 10 CHILDREN THROUGH STRUGGLE AND STRIFE
RUN A MAJOR CORPORATION AND BE A ACCOMODATING WIFE
CONVERSE WITH THE ‘BIG-WIGS’ OR SPEAK FLO IN THE HOOD
SAY “ABSOLUTELY TERRIFIC!” OR “WASSUP, IT’S ALL GOOD!”
PUT YOU IN YOUR PLACE, WITHOUT SAYIN’ TOO MUCH
I’M AN INTELLECTUAL WOMAN,

I POSSESS THE STRENGTH OF THE STRONGEST FOUNDATION
MY VOICE SPEAKS VOLUME HEARD THROUGHOUT THE NATION
MY HANDS GRASP RESERVATION AND TURNS IT INTO HOPE
AND THESE HANDS HAVE CUT SOCIETY’S “LIMITATION ROPE”
THERE IS NO LIMIT ON THE STRENGTH THAT I CAN AND WILL POSSESS
THE DETERMINATION I HAVE/ HAD, MY COURAGE OR MY PROWESS
THE FORCE OF MY INFLUENCE CAN BE FELT WITH ONE TOUCH
I’M A STRONG WOMAN,
........SO ADDRESS ME AS SUCH

MY HEART CONTAINS LOVE IN IT’S PUREST FORM
UNCONDITIONAL, ABSOLUTE, AND EVERYDAY REBORN
MY LOVE CAN SURPASS THE MOST GRUELING OF TESTS
IT SUPPLIES ASSURANCE TO MANY WHERE THERE IS UNREST
MY LOVE BONDS, AND SHAPES, AND MOLDS, AND HOLDS
IT BEGINS FROM BIRTH, TO 10 TO 30 TO “INFINITY-YEARS-OLD”
YOU CAN EVEN FEEL THAT WITHOUT PHYSICAL TOUCH
I’M A LOVING WOMAN,

THE PASSION THAT IS SWELLING, BREWING INSIDE
RISES TO MY SURFACE, IT NEVER HIDES
WHETHER IT’S DISPLAYED WHEN I TAKE A STAND
OR WHEN IT’S SEDUCTIVELY REVEALED FOR MY MAN
IT’S INTENSITY IS UNRESTRAINED, AND UNINHIBITED
AND JUST LIKE MY STRENGTH, IT IS UNLIMITED
IT CAN BE OVERWHELMING, FOR SOME, IT’S A BIT MUCH
I’M A PASSIONATE WOMAN,

INTELLECTUAL, STRONG, LOVING, AND PASSIONATE
SOPHISTICATED, POWERFUL, AFFECTIONATE, IMMACULATE
I’M NOT YOUR BOO, YOUR GIRL, YOUR MISTRESS OR A HOE
I’M THE CENTER OF LIFE, MORE THAN YOU’LL EVER KNOW
I’M YOUR SISTER, YOUR AUNTIE, YOUR NIECE, YOUR MOTHER
AND I STAND BESIDE YOU, NOT BEHIND I AM NOT YOUR COVER
I COME IN DIFFERENT SHAPES, SHADES, AND SIZES
AND NO ONE CAN DENY ME WHEN THIS WOMAN RISES
MY STYLE IS CAPTIVATING, THANK YOU VERY MUCH
I’M A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN,

NOW I WANT TO MAKE THIS ALL VERY CLEAR THAT THE ABOVE IS ME… TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT. I KNOW WHO I AM AND WHO I STRIVE TO BE. PEOPLE ENTER YOUR LIFE AND SOMETIMES MAKE YOU TAKE A STEP BACK TO “SELF EVALUATE” WHO YOU REALLY ARE AND I DID JUST THAT. AND AFTER THIS SELF-EVALUATION I FOUND THAT THIS IS JUST WHO I AM. YES, I CAN BE OUTSPOKEN BUT I WAS ALWAYS TAUGHT TO NEVER HOLD THINGS BACK AND FOR YEARS THIS IS WHAT I DID. I WILL NO LONGER DO THIS ANYMORE. I GIVE RESPECT WHEN RESPECT IS DUE AND EXPECT IT IN RETURN. JUST THAT STRAIGHT FORWARD. WHY IS IT SO HARD TO RESPECT OTHER PEOPLE THESE DAYS? WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO GAIN FROM THE DISRESPECT? THE RIGHT TO JUST SAY THAT I _________ DISRESPECTED A GOOD PERSON… WHAT’S YOUR ADDRESS? YOUR CONSOLATION PRIZE IS IN PROCESS AT THIS VERY MOMENT!

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With every beat...

With every beat of my heart
I feel yours inside of mine,
Together they beat as one
Keeping perfect time.

With every beat of my heart
I hear yours inside of mine,
Our chance to be together
The beat says it's nearly time.

With every beat of my heart
I know that yours does to,
And every time it pumps
I know I'm feeling you.

With every beat of my heart
I listen close to what it says,
I hear yours calling mine
And it knows it must obey.

With every beat of my heart
I feel mine loving you,
And with every beat of yours
I know you love me too.

With every beat of my heart
It hurts when you say good bye,
And with every beat of my heart
Drops another tear I cry.

With every beat of my heart
I miss you all the more,
The beat grows ever louder
Until it's like a thunderous roar.

For with every beat of my heart
Inside I feel the pain,
Right now mine beats alone
And I'm missing you again.

With every beat of my heart
I need yours here to stay,
For I miss you all the more
Everytime you go away.

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