Full Circle...
Thursday, May 27, 2010
When the dust has cleared all the hate has drifted away.
No response needed... Really how can I do that! I can now heal the wound that was left. I can now remember the good times that we had. I can also mourn the child that we never had. At this point in my life i need to just live. Not for anyone else but for myself. I've been thru a lot and really trying to forget my past doesn't help a thing in moving forward. You were a part of my life i cannot erase nor do I want to. As with all experiences, you remember them.
In the end I hated you and everything that you stood for but that was in the end. BEFORE, well back then I did love you, I mean that I still love you just in a different way that is appropriate for our life now. I watched you grow. Watched you bloom once again into a great father whilst allowing me into your children's life. I watched you yearn for a better life but didn't quite know what the next step was. Of course I knew what that step was but I'm realizing that this was not my lesson to give but rather observe. I cannot "fix" everything and I really may have overstepped my boundaries. I cannot make the man I simply needed to "compliment" the man. While Nattie is no good at keeping her mouth shut, Natasha with a bleeding tongue was foaming at the mouth and yet this was not me!
What went wrong? How can this be made right? Can we still be friends? The answers are I don't know, I don't know & I don't know (with my serious face). I love(d) this man...Do I still...
A child that to the doctors was never there. I mean I have the surgery to prove that it was there...rather ectopic but afterwards the only reasoning was that there was no possible way. But God made a way. He spoke and said something but what was it? I dreamed of having a son and maybe this pregnancy was going to fulfill that dream. We will never know but being that in a couple of weeks/months I will be having a hysterectomy and my biological dreams of motherhood will be over. I feel that child's presence and know that (s)he is near me. Those moments were the best and worse that could have happened in those couple of days. As I sit here and think about it and the tears flow down my face I'm saddened and heartbroken. Would this have "fixed" the relationship? I'm really not sure and I cannot change the past because I only move forward.
William Shakespeare said "The wheel is come full circle.” I truly believe so because I now can speak to you when I never thought that I could again. 
2 comments:
Yes when we let go and let God take over that is the beginning of something new and even more prosperous and meaningful. Sometimes we cloud our lives with so much clutter and do not want to release any of it but in order to gain more we need to let go of some that which we have holding onto us...sometimes these releasements are not by our own choice but they become our own good. When one door closes another shall open.
WE all walk a path that is our own. Sometimes that path joins with another for ever how long those paths are conjoined they are forever changed. For good or bad, those paths are altered. Now what happens afterwards? Some keep going, realizing the change and they keep moving forward. Some are just oblivious and continue down their path as if nothing ever changed. While others regress, retreat into their own sorrow for whatever reason they can't go on. They can't continue down their path because they can't stop thinking their past. In time though we all must move down our path or perish. WE can't stand still and look at life we have to stay active, stay involved in what we have b/c without it we have nothing.
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