Untitled...

When I speak why is that there is silence that filters thru your ears. I've been patiently waiting for something to give and in the meantime things get worse. My silent prayers go unanswered why? Why is it so hard for you to understand that this is who I am and that I am NOT changing for anyone. I've been going thru a lot these days that I find it unbearable to just "breathe." In a matter of months I will have everything taken from me in the matter of what I've always dreamed of and to continue to deal with the everyday bullshit of not my life but yours. I just want to live....today. Yea, I've thought about just wanting to get in the car and just drive. Run away from everything that I know. But for what? Why do I long for something that is purely out of my control? I can love and be in love but not be happy so I guess the real question is whether or not that I was/am really IN love. I can sacrifice everything to prove that I am here for our relationship but why...to still have to deal with your insecurities, not mine. Yes there are plenty of men out there that dont have a "situation" but why do I choose to stick around to see how things play out. Why am I just a silent contestant in this game show that not you or I control who wins or loses. I'm really confused, frustrated, aggravated, irritated with all of it at this point. I will soon no longer be capable of producing my own family soon and I am holding onto a possibility of being a family with someone that already has a family. COMPLICATED!!! I know that love is not easy but haven't I already seen what a relationship should not be built on? Have I not experienced someone using me for the things that I have? And have I not had so many failed relationships that I deserve at least relationship that is based on true love and devotion of each other. I've never been a real emotional person but it's sad when you see other people that are truely in love go by and you wish for it so bad that it brings tears to your eyes. I, unfortunately recently have experienced this.

Can I ever be someone's priority instead of it being the other way around? I want someone to want me the way that I want them. To want to have and to hold from this day forth but it's kind of hard to do when your dreams are blocked. I want someone to promise to love me without reservation, comfort me in times of distress, encourage me to achieve all of your goals, laugh with me and cry with me, grow with mein mind and spirit, always be open and honest with me, and cherish me for as long as we both shall live. Rite, the fairy tale wedding that I will never have. Why becasue the man that I am in love with doesn't know just how deep my love goes for him. It's taken for granted and not believed when I say that "I love you more" and I truely do mean it.

Or what about for him to say my beloved Natasha, do you remember the very first day we met? From the very moment I saw you, I knew you were the one for me, the one that I know I have to spend the rest of my life with. Our journey together has been the best days of my life until this moment, for you have become not just my lover and companion, but also my best friend. For this man that I love so dearly to tell me this would be the most wonderful day of my life BUT also the worse because it would be a lie! How can you love me the way that I need you to love me when you do not consideration of my feeling of what is going on. I was told once before after a domestic dispute that "it's over with and I dont want to hear about this again brought up in arguments to come." What's the issue again? The fact that you put your hands on me and you know you were wrong but let's not discuss it again like it never happened so I dont feel bad. Well this scenario is more like "I understand what you're saying and how you feel, and it bothers me too. You act like I dont think about it also" But...ummm....in this scenario you hold the cards not me. I have to just wait until something gives... exactly when/what might that be and why do I have to wait. Haven't I given up enough at this point! I'm tired, I'm unappreciated, I am strong, I am diligent but I'm feeling like I am failing in this relationship and I dont even think that you care...or do you???

In the words of Anna Scott: "After all... I'm just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her"

I'm feeling like this boy is not man enough to accept me for who I am as a girl trying to regain my dignigity as a woman...