1980/5*5...I'm back!!

 1980...

        5 years....5 months ago...

Finally the day has come!  I purposefully chose to wait until this day. It's been 1,980 days since I last published my last piece. Wow!!!  So much has happened in that timeframe😊 but most importantly, I found me!  Well, I wouldn't say that I was lost, but I would say that a whole hell of a lot has happened.  The last piece that I published I wrote "Am I Enough," well, I still think that I struggle with that piece still, however, I can manage it a little more closely. But what I've found out and how I moved in the past 5 years has been the best growth of my life!  In those years, I've learned the following:

• Being away made me make my own interest a priority. It gave me time to focus on what is/was important to me.  Ya see, when you're surrounded by others, sometimes you might push your own passions, ideas, goals aside in order to help/support friends and family. I realized that I did that far too often. But by taking the opportunity to make better choices and focus my attention without worrying other people and their problems definitely gave me a better sense of balance.
• How to better manage my "Ships." My familyships (yeah, this isn't a word, but for today it absolutely is!), relationships, and friendships.  With help, I realized that a little absence does make the heart grow fonder.  By me taking the time to focus on myself it made me stronger and in turn made my "ships" indestructible. I recognized that having those friendships and social support systems are important to your mental health (and sometimes not so great) but taking a break and going solo-dolo helped me appreciate them that much more.
• How to be a better Mother/ Step-Mother(still Mother) to my children.  Whew chile, this one has been rough!! 5 years ago, I had daughters in high-school, middle-school, and elementary school😐. In numbers that is a 16, 12, and 6 years old😩. In emotions that was "I hate you mom!" x2 and "will you play dolls with me." They all had their own personal struggles that I had to seek to understand their point of view. We went through ups and downs and near death experiences and all were learning curves for us all. Back then there was no light visible, it began to pave the way to brighter days where all began to grow individually and know their own self-worth.  Now they are 21, 17, and 11 and honestly I couldn't ask for better girls. The oldest (#1, "first born") is just starting her Master's program at The University of Cincinnati, the Middle (#2), now a junior in high school, is navigating her way through life and understanding accountability and responsibility. And lastly, the youngest (#3 aka- Happy Feet) is growing in her own person. Honestly, she has had the most growth of all of them.  She has learned what is important to her and what makes her the happiest. Her biggest ah-hah moment was when she was just struggling to please everyone yet letting what she wanted go by the wayside. My conversation with her yielded simply "no-one should be mad at you for making you better. No one should make you feel guilty for a decision that you make concerning yourself and your personal growth and well-being."  From that day forward, she's been happy about every decision that she's made thus far. 
• How to improve my health.  I've had to have yet another much needed surgery that actually left me feeling a ton better. Then it was time to take control of this weight. Now this was the biggest hurdle😒. 2020 was the best time to do this! So, with the new gym equipment in the basement it has been the absolute best. From November to current I've lost almost 40 lbs👏👏👏 Now to keep it up is going to be the thing. I'm pretty confident.
• Most recently, I've learned to trade stock👀😏 and I must say that shit is pretty fun. I'm not sure if it's the risk that is involved but I love it!  I got my handle on conventional stocks and then was told by several folks not to go the cryptocurrency route, but, ummm.... over 1000 shares later, I'm hooked!  Nothing like waking up to money based on a good decision.  We'll discuss if that falls through at some time but until then, I'm gucci!😜

Let's talk about 2020.  Man that year was a 'Mutha-F!  I mean the other years we typically get to the point where we are over it but we all just never knew what 2020 would bring. Emotionally speaking 2020 lasted approxiamtely 12 months and 487 years! Here's my recap of that awful year:

• Everyone was training for WWIII! Not really, but really.  President X (Trump) ordered that airstrike to take out that Iranian General. We were scared!! I even remember watching the news and saying "this muthafucka is gonna get us killed!" Then the memes started. And it seems that when crazy gets going in the world we can always rely on a good 'ole meme to bring us back to calm. 
• On January 30th, the WHO declared the COVID-19 (coronavirus) outbreak a global health emergency. This virus was first identified in China, Wuhan, to be exact. By March 2020 it was a full blown pandemic!  Things we knew: This virus was airborne! wtf! So by way of an infected person breathing, coughing, sneezing or speaking it would enter another person via their nose, mouth or eyes.  It also could be spread by coming in contact with a contaminated surface. Again wtf!  Soooo this is when the Clorox wipes started to be scarce. Quick things to adopt daily...Wash your hands often, and wear a face mask! At this point it was buckle up buttercup, this is our life as we know it for a undetermined time😒
• We thought stockpiling on toilet paper would save us all from the virus. To be clear, nowhere did it EVER say that coronavirus made you urinate or have diarrhea. So, I use "we" loosely.
• The Monkeys!  Do you remember the monkeys?😂  In Thailand, thousand of monkeys stormed the center in Lopburi because the tourist that usually fed them fled due to COVID-19.  Because there were no people the monkeys literally took over and authorities deemed their actions "hopeless" as there was just too many of them to contain.
• The Pentagon released videos supporting that "off-world vehicles not made of this earth" were sited.  You got it! A fucking UFO! But we were in a pandemic already, so....no big deal! Unless you are a fan of the X-files and this shit is fascinating to you. Yep... Guilty🙋
• Everyone became obsessed with Tiger King😑 Thanks Netflix!  But NO thanks!  We heard more at the end of 2020 as Joe thought me was going to get pardoned at the last hour by Trump😒
•  The Crown season 4 started!  OMG!  I was obsessed!  We got to see Gillian Anderson play Margaret Thatcher and WOW!  I learned so much. And then the season took a dramatic turn introducing Diana's character.  It was an emotional rollercoaster. Was it just me? My heart ached for that poor girl. My took away from that season was quite frankly "fuck you Prince Charles and Camilla!"  Maybe there is hope for season 5. <fingers crossed>
• Megxit happened:  Harry and Meghan left the Royal Family. Did we really care about this?
• As if the year wasn't already bad...Murder hornets!  
• The next pandemic...Racism!  I'll just update this one as "ongoing!"
• Trump praised the coronavirus opinions of a doctor who believe that there are demons in sperm😑😒. As if this was one of his more defining moments (shout out to bleach)!
• Kanye West not only ran for president, but was endorsed by Chance the Rapper and Elon Musk.  Again...😒
• Wayfair, were you really sex trafficking children through cabinets? No, just another conspiracy theory for the books... mkay!
• Trump threatened to ban TikTok.
• Trump bragged about passing a basic cognitive test.
• Lori Loughlin went to prison over the college-admission scandal.
• Ivanka Trump put the blame for the 11.5 unemployment rate (at the time) on folks who just weren't being creative enough  in her #TrySomethingNew campaign ad.  Girl bye!
• Scientist sited that there was water found on the moon, but nobody cared!
• Mary Trump released 'Too Much and Never Enough.'  I actually enjoyed it. I can't wait for her next book 'The Reckoning: Our Nation's Trauma and Finding a Way to Heal'. C'mon July 2021!
• Trump accused Democrats of "stealing the election" and claimed "voter fraud." This was due to his losing the electoral college votes 306/252. Several lawsuits were filed immediately leading up to the inauguration. 
• Covid-19 Stats: More than 25 million people had confirmed coronavirus infections and more than 450,000 have died of COVID-19.  Tens of thousands of new cases are reported daily nationwide!

We lost some greats in 2020 as well. Not necessarily to COVID-19:

• Kobe Bryant (NBA) and his daughter Gianna 
• Chadwick Boseman (Black Panther)
• Ruth Bader Ginsburg (Supreme Court Justice)
• Alex Trebek
• John Lewis (Congressman and Civil Rights icon)
• Natalie Desselle Reid (B.A. P.S)
• Dawn Wells (Gilligans Island)
• Naya Rivera (Glee)
• David Prowse (Darth Vader)
• Sean Connery (James Bond)
• Eddie Van Halen (Musician)
• Little Richard (Musical Artist)
• Kelly Preston (Actress)
• Jerry Stiller (Actor)
• Nikita Pearl Waligwa (Actress)
• Pop Smoke (Rapper)
• Kirk Douglas (Actor)
• Kenny Rogers (Musical Artist)

Now, we are in the first week of February 2021 and although we thought this year was going to be the year...nope! Well, at least not yet anyways.  Six (6) that's right, six days into the new year, as Congress voted to finalize then President-elect, Joseph Biden as being our 46th President, pro-Trump rioters breached and stormed our nation's Capital. Per Wikipedia, the rioters target House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and several members of Congress. The assault on the capital was widely condemned by political leaders and organizations in the United States and internationally. Nonetheless, President-elect Biden was confirmed and would be sworn in on inauguration day on January 20 with Vice President-elect Harris.

January 20, 2021: A day to remember.  Marking the commencement of Joe Biden being sworn in as our 46th President, this day meant so much more as history was being made by Vice President Kamala Harris. She made history by being United States' first female Vice President, the highest ranking female official in United States' history, and the first African American, and first Asian American Vice President.  

Moving right along and COVID-19 has gravely wounded the economy leaving 10+ million Americans without work. While some districts are more comfortable with children returning to school, several parents and officials are just not confident that this is a good idea.  My children go to Loveland Intermediate and High School presently.  One is completely doing remote learning while the other goes full-time and is able to adhere to a hybrid schedule when necessary and deemed by the schools.

So, it's been a doozy of a time most recently.  I hope everyone has been hanging in there and brushing up on their TikTok dances and pranks😂.  Vaccines for the coronavirus are out and being administered in phases. Are you getting vaccinated? Do you trust it? I really want to know (comment and tell me what your thoughts are).  Just when we thought that normal life would be near... BAM! New variants of coronavirus has been detected and of course those vaccines that were just approved are less effective on them😒.  So FML 'Merica!  Now the CDC is saying to double down on precautions and now wear 2 masks!  wtf! 

Oh, and did you hear Dr. Dre (not an actual doctor), I mean the dope rapper that gave us The Chronic back in '92 had a damn brain aneurysm.  C'mon 2021, get your shit together! 

Any who, that's what's been going on. What have you all (ya'll- in my head and I just cracked up at the country that came out) been up to?  Are you good? Is your family safe? I need answers because I haven't seen or heard from you guys in quite a while, but I sure do miss you!

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Am I good Enough???

2 years, 2 months and 11 days...If you followed anything that I've done with this blog you know what that means...

It's been so long since I've inked some paper and honestly I thought that it was for the best but ya know what....fuck it! Living in an abyss of broken promises and misused words and my own courage to just walk away I'm standing here like...fuck it! When I open my mouth and the words flow so freely when they are repeated they are a jumbled mess of another's thoughts that are now not my own.

Just like Poe one cannot help being struck by the self-destructive tendencies. Contradictions are everywhere.  He came up with such brilliance like "And then there stole into my fancy, like a rich musical note, the thought of what sweet rest there must be in the grave" Genius!  This is completely genius for I have wanted to seek this peace for the past couple years. After getting myself to a place of peace I realize that that peace was compromised.

"Am I enough?" Is the question that I ask myself daily. If so, what are you showing me to have me asking myself this question.  "Am I enough??  I sit and wonder if it's truly me that you want or the perception of me and a life you want and I'm just a missing piece to your puzzle not mine.  "Am I enough?"  What is my worth to you? In the secret places, where no one sees.  "Am I enough?"  Because you don't know that my scars are symbols of my strength   My scars mean that the hurt is over and the wound is officially closed. It means that I've conquered the pain, learned a lesson, grew stronger (although I may not feel so strong) and moved forward.  My scars are a tattoo of so many triumphs.  I try not to let my scars hold me hostage or assist in making me live in fear.  I can't make them (scars) disappear but I've been sure as hell trying to change the way that I see them.  You see I can't begin to see my scars as a sign of strength and not pain.  Life doesn't have to be perfect to be wonderful. But "am I good enough" is still the question.  Can I live with no regrets, just lessons;  No worries, just acceptance;  No expectations, just gratitude?  In understanding that life is short, the story of MY life has many chapters.  One bad chapter doesn't mean it has to end I guess. So maybe the quick fix would be to stop re-reading the bad one and turn the fucking page.

"Am I good enough?" In a world of the world wide web and social media am I made to compete with things that are not materialized to me.  You may say I'm good enough however what makes one "like" a picture of a half naked woman that looks nothing like me?  I'm good enough you say yet a stranger can catch your attention by being nothing of true value but ass and titties. Yet I have to struggle with my insecurities of wondering "Am I good enough." This i'm sure is what happens daily to people like me who struggle and ask themselves these questions.  I'm keen to hopefully know that this isn't something that my man would do because this part has never been an issue.  Although time (a lot of time) and space and more importantly respect wouldn't lead him to do such things and forcing me in a corner clinching my knees asking myself... "Am I good enough."

"Am I good enough?" Do you ever ask yourself this question? I surely can't be the only one.  I choose to tell you that you are "enough." You should never have to wonder.  If I could tell the world how great you are I would. I do actually in subtleties.   I would tell them that you are compassionate, trustworthy, have good character and compassion. You're balanced, confident, and take initiative.  You have self respect and give respect. Always up for a challenge to be a better man.  You're committed and faithful, humble and adaptable.  You have temperance, promotes moral excellence, a vision to lead and most of all you believe in our Creator.... YOU are enough.  

"Am I good enough?" Outside of your mind... to be seen in the public eye as your woman, your partner.  Will I be subjected to walk in your masculine shadow?  Will I have a say in our life as one or will I just have unspoken words of what I want our life to be?  

In being enough will I have to validate myself daily to continue to be the woman that you love.  A double validation in the sense; yours and mine.  In being enough will I truly be....enough.  As I'm trying to move away from the "Am I good" and just focusing on  "enough" what does that really mean?  

"Am I enough?" 

• Am I positive and love with my whole heart?... I love with my whole heart and then some
• Could I be fiercely loyal and beautifully vulnerable at the same damn time?
• Am I authentic with my words and sentiment?
• Do I make mistakes and try my best to learn from them?

I CAN DO HARD THINGS...

• I have the ability to love any child as if they are my own...life's pleasures.
• I take risks even though I am petrified of failure in hopes that my faith is stronger than my fears
• I am aware of my weaknesses and I'm not afraid to apologize for my actions when necessary, But I will never apologize for who I am
• I try everyday to be a better version of myself...And I will never stop trying.

Maybe I can't be "good enough" for everyone, but I can always be the best for who DESERVES me. Maybe I need to stop asking myself If I'm good enough and start to focus on ridding my life of things that manifest and brings me to self doubt.  Maybe I need to just understand that this beautiful chaos is who I am and for that in its entirety leads me to possibly believe that...


I.....AM.....ENOUGH....nevermind being good.   Refocus on just being...

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Lyrics of My Soul...

I loved you from a mere thought... a desire at which I've rarely shared.  Though a complicated process I knew exactly what it was that I wanted to do.  Our days seem to change from one drastic day to another and at some point there would be nothing to change my mind or position with you until now.  Until now I had this sense that everything would be okay.  What exactly is "okay" anymore these days? Silence, fewer calls, scattered pettiness; I just don't know anymore. But again, what I do know is that I love you.

When I close my eyes you give me peace.  A sense that I live for daily.   But the problem is, I don't get that much sleep these days either. Although if you were here right now I figure I still wouldn't be getting much sleep but at least I would be smiling. I would find joy in waking up the mister just to have him sitting up with me while holding you.  Watching him nod off as we both are completely wide awake and watching yet another ifomercial of more things to make with the Ninja blender 3 models later.  Listening to the nonsense that he calls sleep but we call..."omg!,we can't sleep with all this going on!  I'd watch you and wonder how did this thought turn to a gracious reality that is suddenly taking over my heart day by day.  For this, I love you.

I had a great....no WE had a great feeling about this and somehow I just can't carry thru with it.  The decision was made and nothing went right afterwards...nothing! I reviewed all of my files again, called the insurance company again, looked over some notes....that's right....again but the same thing kept crossing my mind. I couldn't bare the thought of losing you at any point.  I can't face the fact that in time where there is happiness it could be taken away from me from 0 to 9.  I guess this is where the quote would come in that "it would be better to love and lost than to have loved at all" and I claim all that just bullshit!  I would know the tears that we had the day the decision was made.  Secretly laying and hoping that everything would be okay and it's not.  Knowing that our life with a new beautiful face would be the beginning of yet another jealous rage that would send our lives...your life...into something that it should never be.  I love you with all of my being and this hurts.  Hurts in a way that really no words can describe.  I don't know what to do at this point but try to move on. And in doing so doesn't mean that I will forget you. It means that I wasn't strong enough to do right by you. But honestly how can I? Nothing is within my control anymore. Not even potentially the creation of you. Not even my life at this point.  But in knowing how much I love you I will never forget the fond memories that I have created for you thus far.  Those I will always carry in my heart always.  You remain nameless at this point but if he had his way you would be simply....Lyric... be sure to spell it to be clear.

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Hate...This is not me

I hate the way we live
I hate we have to die
I hate the way you want it to be all over
And suddenly change your mind
I hate you want to hurt yourself
I hate that I have to cry
I hate I see myself somewhere deep inside your eyes
I hate that I can relate to you 
I hate that you cant see
All the good things in your life 
I hate you cant see me 
I hate when I look in the mirror
Your the person looking back
I hate that every day seems like someone will attack
I hate that I am weak
I hate that you are here
I hate that I can't change all the things I fear
I hate that I dont hate you
instead I hate myself
for im the one who can't even remember my true self
I hate I let you into my mind
I hate you let me stop living
I hate that you don't understand what all I'm expected of forgiving
I hate I dont want to talk to you
I hate its not like it use to be
I hate that you want to change me to change what you want to see
I hate you can't tell this isn't all my hate
I take your hate into myself and understand my fate
sometimes I dont understand the hate 
and still I continue to see
all the self hate deep down inside of you
is now inside of me.

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Alicia Keys - Girl On Fire featuring Nicki Minaj (Live)

Alicia Keys - Girl On Fire featuring Nicki Minaj (Live): Alicia Keys and Nicki Minaj Perform "Girl On Fire" Live at the 2012 VMAs

I'm starting to love this song ya'll.

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Just A Man...

Through all the work that was done in this life it can still never be measured by any one person or tool.  To have someone in a capacity to make you complete/whole is merely a desire of the heart.  But when that heart is alone what is there left?  Companionship... no not even that.

When you are born you are born of two beings.  Two beings of which may or may not choose to be in your life.  Two beings that are a free pass (vip tickets) to your almost every move.  As we get older we search to find that soul mate in which we can share our life with to call our own.  Not that in a  paying kind of way, or a bought kind of way but in a damn way that simply means that you are MINE lol.  Nah, seriously just someone to spend your life with be it good or bad.  But as someone passed away the final words in the article simply said "He had no wife, nor children."  That truly just bothered me.  Although there was talk that he may have been homosexual (at which I really could care less of his sexual preference) I want to know why it had to be said that way.  To me the words "He had no wife, nor children" means that he died just a man.  Just a man with maybe a sister, brother, nieces and some nephews but no-one to be there for him when he came home. To call to vent to when he had a bad day.  No one to kiss or tuck in at night.  No one to walk down the aisle or stand up next to at a wedding.  Just a man...

Now when you are just a man does it matter that you have been viewed by millions; Touched the soul of an entire culture and era of our lives?  Does it matter that without knowing what your real birth name is someone may call you by your character name or imitate a(n) action that the world pieces back to you.  Does it bother you that when they wrote that he died it said "first name last name, star of " tv show" has died?  Because without saying what is role/character was on a particular show we would have kept scrolling and said to our self wtf is that.  But I guess he meant something to me as I took the time to share my thoughts and feelings on "this man"..

Out of respect I shall name this man that had no wife, nor children....he is the late Sherman Alexander Hemsley star of The Jeffersons....character name: George.

                                                         1 February 1938~24 July 2012

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Please Help Bring Eli Home!

As I have known Jamie since high school, It was no surprise that they would tackle this adventure head on. Watching this story evolve has been quite an experience as we typically only hear of this via the news and not someone that we know. So to give you a little background please read their story and share with your friends. As adoption expenses are very costly please feel free to chip in and donate (any amount would be appreciated) to their bringing little Eli home. If you are unable to donate, that's quite okay too! Please share their story on your facebook pages and blogs if you have one. I appreciate my facebook friends for sharing Jamie and Jared's journey....

Jared and Jamie met and started dating in high school. They have been together for 15 years and married for 8 years. They are blessed with three biological children, ages 6, 4, and 1. Jamie was a special education teacher working with children with severe disabilities before she and Jared had their children. She put in many hours working with “her” children, and 2 of them were flower girls in their wedding. Jamie knew she would love to bring home a child with a disability but Jared wasn’t sure if the time was right.

Over the past few years Jamie and Jared have felt called to help children in need, and began following and donating to other families who were making this journey. Jamie found Eli’s picture and emailed it to Jared. She asked a friend to pray that he would find a family quickly if it wasn’t meant to be them. Jared saw his picture and immediately fell in love with him. He contacted Reece’s Rainbow on his own to find out more about him! He and Jamie decided that he was the one meant to be their second son, rounding out the family to 2 boys and 2 girls. They are very excited to bring Eli home and their children are excited about their new brother!

Follow the family’s adoption journey on their blog at http://sunshinedaysandpeacefulnights.blogspot.com/

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2 Years Down....

As this day is almost over and I am finally able to compose this message that has been lingering around in my head for the past couple of days I shall start in this manner...

Two years ago today is when I was talked into starting this blog and I'm so glad that I did. It has helped me get out some things that have been on my mind over the last year. And as I have not written that much this year thus far, I still just have shit to say. But this year may just be different because it was brought to my attention that the writing that I do is meaningless. I really wish that I heard this from a stranger whereas I really wouldn't give a fuck, but, because it was from someone close to me that said it I'm really not quite sure what to feel. I love to write and express my feelings and just because it my be something that is a hitting home on a situation that other people are going thru or a reflection of my life doesn't make it invalidated. So I turned to my spoken words in my Vlog....what in the hell for....so you may be aware in my facial expressions that I really don't give a damn or the flip side of me actually caring so we will see how this goes.

Also today is yet another special milestone in my life. 5 years ago... I know I can hardly believe that its been that long....but 5 years ago I met this guy of whom pisses excellence now but then back in the day you could bet on a random rant on a "space that was not his own". I don't know what made me respond to that particular rant but It was one of those things that was right on time. And to think that after that he was literally right down the street from me. It was like sitting in a park playing someone on a mobile game and realizing that the laughs were after you pushed the send button. And to this day he is "ketchup" and I love him so much for bringing out a side of me that is now all of me! I love ya B. Wilson.

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Exercising My Rights

There are just some people that seem to always have something to say when I exercise my first amendment right. You know, one of the most important ones to me.... the 1st one, FREEDOM OF SPEECH. So, at any point in time that I say anything to offend you, him, her, or them please do one of the following (because I believe in giving people options): a) keep your comment to yourself unless I am speaking directly to you or b.) DELETE YOURSELF FROM MY PAGE! If you are unclear of how to accomplish this task, please see below.

Simply login to your page and click on my name or use the following tool in the upper center of your page that looks like this...

Please spell my name correctly in the search "Natasha Cain (Nattie Johnson)

then find the following on the right side of your screen at direct eye level and click where it says "friends"

Scroll all the fuck down to the last option at which states UNFRIEND. If you are not a friend on my friends list but you are compelled to see what I'm writing please view at your own risk!

If you want to constantly change your name to view my page here are a couple of suggestions:

first name "sooveryounyours" last name

first name "solastseason ago" last name

first name "cantgrowthefuckup" last name

first name "mommasbitch" last name

first name "sharktooth" last name

first name "welfarefraud" last name or my personal favorite....

first name "thirsty" last name

AND if your profile picture looks like a yahoo avatar but your real picture can be found in the local BUSTED paper...need I really say more?!?!?!

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Happy March Folks!!!

Just wanted to let you guys know that I have finally got the Vlog up and going. So from this point forward I may write, or post a video depending on the situation. If you want to check it out please visit my YouTube channel. Leave a comment if you want and I will try my best to respond. You can still follow me on my Twitter or my Facebook.

As always thanks for all the support.

SinSiNattie

p.s. Book?.....maybe....patience (:

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Waiting...

I don't necessarily want to be happy; I just want to stop feeling miserable. I'm just now learning how to smile but it's not an easy thing to do. But when it almost hurts almost as much to smile in front of everyone than to cry alone that is when you have a breaking point. At times i'm to be remembered as the girl who always smiled, the one who could brighten up your day, even if I couldn't brighten up my own. I try to get to the bottom of my emotions and then I realize that I don't know what I want in life. I don't know what I want right now. All I know is that I'm hurting so much inside that it's eating me, and one day, there won't be any of me left. You start life with a clean slate. Then you begin to make your mark. You face decisions, make choices. You keep moving forward. But sooner or later there comes a time where you look back over where you have been and wonder who you really are. This is where I am right now.

It's the loneliest feeling in the world - to find yourself standing up when everyone else is sitting down. To have everybody look at you and say "what's the matter with her?" I know what it feels like. Walking down an empty street, listening to the sound of your own footsteps. Shutters closed, blinds drawn, doors locked against you. And you aren't sure whether you're walking toward something, or if you're just walking away. I know it seems like I'm this strong person who can get though anything, but inside I'm fragile. I've had so many things thrown at me, and each one has only made a crack. What I'm afraid of at this very moment is myself shattering into thousands of little pieces. It's like I realized that way down inside, I've always been lonely for something. But I don't know what for. It's like everybody in the world want's something. Only they never really know exactly what it is - they just keep finding out what it's not. You know how, when you turn off the TV or you come out of some concert, and everything just feels empty? Like you thought that would be what you wanted, and then it wasn't? That's that feeling... If you can't solve it, it isn't a problem - it's reality. And sometimes reality is the hardest thing to understand and the thing that takes the longest to realize. But once it hits you in the face you'll never forget it. It will always be there in your memories and sometimes that is the best way to look at it.

Do you ever get that feeling where you don't want to talk to anybody? You don't want to smile and you don't want to fake being happy. But at the same time you don't know exactly what's wrong either. There isn't a way to explain it to someone who doesn't already understand. If you could want anything in the world it would be to be alone. People have stopped being comforting and being alone never was. At least when you're alone no one will constantly ask you what is wrong and there isn't anyone who won't take 'I don't know' for an answer. You feel the way you do just because. You hope the feeling will pass soon and that you will be able to be yourself again, but until then all you can do is wait.

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I Wear No Masks...

What's wrong people ask. Are you okay is the next question. At this point my very blunt, unedited and graphic response is just this:

I'm dealing with stupid shit everyday! I'm dealing with "girls" (and I'm not talking about my children) everyday that want people to feel fucking sorry for them on a daily basis so you can just..I dunno, think about them maybe. I'm so fucking tired of dealing with insecure GIRLS that want to blame everyone for their fuck-ups in life. Instead of doing what the fuck they were taught they decided to do "other shit" that got they asses caught up and now they want sympathy for their short-comings. I'm realizing that the word "family" doesn't mean a damn thing to some people unless they are benefiting from it. I'm also understanding that apparently I had this silver spoon in my mouth and got everything handed to me on a silver, no wait, platinum platter (because some people think or imply that I'm perfect). The truth of the matter is this. I know right from wrong and I also know that It took ME making a decision to change my life. I believe that I have done the very best possible to get myself to where I am today. Now, I apologize that your mother or father did not hug you enough ( and I am not a compassionate person like that either) but that didn't mean that they didn't sacrifice for you. RESPECT THAT! Ya'll's issues are not my fault...their yours! If you feel like you got the short end of anything go to the source which is not me! It is not my job to run to you and say 'job well done' that's your parents place if its due but the fact that I'm not up your ass or calling you or catering to you does not mean that I owe you anything other than conversation if I should want to converse with you. So at this point my only words are FUCK YOU! GROW UP! MOVE ON!

Now, I'm also dealing with a lunatic that has only grown in body and has the mind of a 8 year old. So for you GIRL, please see above because that shit pertains to you too! I am sick and tired of GIRLS trying to get anything/something for nothing or expecting someone to jump thru hoops for their bullshit but this WOMAN right here will gladly pass on the bullshit that you are serving. The fact that you breathe my air is troubling to me. The fact that I really wish that your air and my air was slightly different and maybe you could possibly choke on that shit so hard that it would bring you to your knees and then you can have every fucked up moment flash in front of you and you then evaluate your decision and realize and say "I FUCKED THAT UP" no anyone else. The word for this post is ACCOUNTABILITY! Can you actually say that you messed up? I remember when you did. I remember when she did and so did he. But the difference between me and ya'll is that I admit when I fuck up and then the process goes as such.."F.U.F.IT" which simply means "fuck up fix it!" Now there is something else to choke on while I know you're getting more and more pissed....and guess what.... I DON'T CARE!

This life that I'm in right now is so abnormal that I really want to just buy a ticket and go... no destination in mind. No people in mind to visit when I get there. It's in so much disarray that I personally don't know whether i'm coming or going. But I do know that I am not in control of it. I'm spiraling into this place where I just don't care. I don't care if my words hurt you, I don't care if you get upset. Everyone has baggage. I swear we do but the question is whether it's a badass Swiss Army indestructible bag or just your basic bag that came from family dollar. The difference between these sets of baggage is simply this: the owner! If you carry your baggage confidently then there is nothing to worry about but if you walking with that FD bag and hiding behind trees, cars, telephones, court papers or whatever tha fuck it is that came with that shit...FIX IT! That ain't my job. I may help and maybe because I know what I'm doing I can help you but what you won't do is take me thru changes that complicate my life and you are not trying to be ACCOUNTABLE. What you are doing is allowing someone to control YOUR LIFE. That's great and fine but ummm.... fuck all that shit! I'm tired of dealing with bullshit of someone else's past. I don't have shit like that going on in my past AT ALL. There is only so fucking much that one person can take and today I'm saying that I'm so cool with biting my tongue. Thru blood covered teeth from the punctures I say this....DEAL WITH THIS SHIT!

I'm I guess a different kind of person. I don't require a pat on the back to get me going, a pep talk to get me motivated. I know what the fuck I'm supposed to do in this life right here! And guess what, it's not to pity you. I don't have time for that mess. Get your shit together! Get order and focus in your life. It's like a fucking math problem. Add up all your fucked up shit and divide it by the good shit and find your "MEAN-ing" of your life. I really hope someone got that and I know that it was waaaay over some of your heads, but I refuse to "dumb-down" anything else. You betta come prepared with a dictionary; Merriam-Webster, Logman, online, pictures...hell grab tha fucking urban dictionary if you have too!

What was the word again....ACCOUNTABILITY...Just because you made a fucked up decision in/with your life does not mean that I need to be there to pull you out your trenches. Their YOURS....deal with it! Everyone take care of your responsibilities....all of them! Do you boo...do you. People quit acting like Facebook is the bible and everyone is out to get you or is talking about you when probably in reality you are the only one talking about it to make you seem more important than what your relaying in your physical form. Walk the fuckin walk! Man, oh man, I starting to sound like my Uncle Jim and dropping all kinds of "F-bombs" but this is where I am with all this shit. Let's understand together, Mark Zuckerberg wanted to create an atmosphere where you could connect with friends, share how you feel, check-in to where ever the hell you are and then he gave us the ability to do this thing that looks like "@type a fucking name here"...............................wait for it.........................did you see that??? He helped you make people accountable for something. Example being this, @Brian Wilson, you still piss the most excellent piss ever. You get it? What I just did right there was make a statement to Brian Wilson and he knows that it was directed to him therefore holding him accountable for the piss. The validity of it all is that you can go to http://brianpissesexcellence.blogspot.com/ and see that 'lil chocolate cartoon figure with a perfect fade straight pissing excellence from his pants.... pause for you to check it out............. or when I put down @Terrance Cain, why exactly are you singing with a Santa Claus beard on in your video on your page.... again, you can go there and see truth of what I'm talking about.......another pause..... check it out. Now when i say something like "I really wish you would get your life together and make something other than a spectacle of yourself" then it's up to you to understand that it was a general statement and nothing further.

As I begin to finally bring this rant to an end, I'm still a little heated because I'm giving my 200% in this life and I feel that everyone should do the same. Realistically I'm giving my 100% and it symbolizes the properties of this: "The part of a whole, which is ITSELF only the part of a greater totality" Read that statement, and then read it again. Now think about what it means to you. "Mask" are for cowards! Be who you are and be satisfied.

So in closing I say this...I remove people from my life and there are others that remove themselves and I tell you this....THANK YOU, because you have just helped me realize that in the words of my girl Evita "You were a non-muthafuckin factor" in my life anyway!

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Motivation....

It seems that I've surrounded myself with the people who TRULY love me in my life. It never fails that when I 'm having one of those days that I can go to a certain person's FB page and the status will be something that I can relate to in that moment. So when I felt the need to speak to somebody I logged in and saw the following:

"Anybody who is doing their thing and working hard at achieving his/her dreams, doesn't have the leisure to hate or kick dirt on anyone else. So for those out there discrediting another persons character...yours is ALSO in jeopardy...remember that" and also the posting of "The one CONSTANT thing in life is CHANGE and how you REACT to change determines whether you GROW or "STAGNATE". Some People are doing the Same thing(s) they Did years ago."STILL" complaining and "STILL" in the same situation with the "Woe is Me Mentality". If you don't believe me Look at all their Status updates...."

Although you were not there for me to call today I did reach someone that I hold in high regards that was able to talk me thru where I needed to be in my mind. Having me refocus on my life and to have a better understanding of others. People like these two men and my husband's encouragement daily is what drives me to be a better me and to be a better person to others. Never looking down on anyone only to hold out my hand and lift you up to a greater level. Sometimes such actions are harder than others considering the circumstances but you have to be the bigger person and just say "I LOVE YOU" and leave it at that. There may never be words that need to proceed afterwards just merely walking away and letting them know that they can count on you when you need them.

Who would have thought that you can take so much intellect away from something so "comic-al"... Now I understand it clearly and its crisp like the ripples in Lake Michigan "Did it ever occur to you that maybe...just maybe...if you’re nice to people, they might LET you rule the world?" I challenge you to figure out where that came from. And then read it...contemplate it...read it....comprehend it....read it....believe it....read it.... be it!

~SinSiNattie~

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To My Veterans...

To all my Veterans... I give thanks for the sacrifices that you made with your life and your families so I may live peacefully at home with mine. I Also want to thank the families of our military as well. On this day remember to not just recognize the fallen soldiers but the ones that you see here at home as well. Although they are home, their fellow "brother" or "sister" my still be active, and for that soldier it still feels as if they are imbeaded in war or detail. It was your willingness to give freely and unselfishly of yourselves, and even your lives, in defense of our principle. It has given our great country the security we enjoy today. So in closing I say THANK YOU and your services are APPRECIATED.

Have a Great day, and not just for this day but for the rest of your lives.

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Statistics say.... I'm International!

Today I got the shock of my life when I finally logged in to see how my blog has been doing since I posted last in Aug of 2011.  So this is what I saw:

There has been over 3,500 visitors to date and this blog has been read by individuals in the following countries:

• United States
• United Kingdom
• Philippines
• Canada
• Australia
• Vietnam
• Italy
• Germany
• Russian Federation
• Mexico

Your favorites:

• The main page... What you see as the latest published blog   sinsinattie.blogspot.com/
•  sinsinattie.blogspot.com/2010/10/diaper-dutyp-discovery-center.html
• sinsinattie.blogspot.com/2011/02/games-that-bitches-and-bitches-play.html
• sinsinattie.blogspot.com/2011/02/shielded.html
•  sinsinattie.blogspot.com/2011/07/baby-momma-drama.html
• http://sinsinattie.blogspot.com/2011/02/i-am.html
•  sinsinattie.blogspot.com/2010/10/daily-show-with-jon-stewart-presents.html
•  sinsinattie.blogspot.com/2010/06/nabiscowtf-did-you-do-to-my-nutter.html
• http://sinsinattie.blogspot.com/2010/06/top-10-reasons-not-to-date-black-woman.html

I know that I always say "fact over feeling" but this really does feel quite great!  Thanks everyone for supporting me:)  I love you all!

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What's Your Card?

25 years to life is what the Judge sentenced him Tuesday, October 25, 2011.  Now after all is said and done, so many people are so upset around the outcome. Soooo...

Let's look at the facts:  Marcus Isreal, 23 from Middletown, OH stole a Cadillac SUV from a bar in Middletown back in May 2011. He then led the police on a high-speed chase (in excess of over 100mph) that ended with him hitting and killing Officer Dulle (who was placing stop sticks in the road). Isreal himself was ejected from the car and found shortly after the crash.  Officer Dulle was pronounced dead at the scene.  

What people are sayin:  I've chosen Fox 19's public page as the source as the people opted to "comment" and let the world see and I WILL NOT remove names (for accountability purposes) BUT I will remove the "linking" so you cannot go directly to their page.

• Rebecca Thompson-- Well that's what he gets for going like 120 mph and killing a cop! Duh! They need the electric chair back!
• Ashley Vogele-  What a piece of crap. Lock him up and throw away the key.
• Karen Daniels-  I wonder how people would feel if it was a white boy who caused the officers death,yes he should have to pay for the crime..but did he do it on purpose,seems he got more time than a person who kills someone intentionly
• Chuck Yackeyonny-  Karen, color doesnt matter. The P. O. S. took a life trying be a bad ass. He deserves to die!
• Missy Niebling-Nonnamker- And there it is!!!!!!!   The race card!  Shocker!!!!!!!
• Missy Niebling-Nonnamaker- Why does someone ALWAYS have to make it about the color of someone's skin????? I don't give a crap what color the criminal is !!!!!! A crime was committed based on stupidity NOT COLOR!!!!!
• Shelli Caudill Frazier- Never takes long for someone to make it a race issue, does it?? Regardless of the color of ANYONE'S skin...he killed someone! Going 120 mph running from a cop is not an accident.....even if you are white!!!!!!
• Kellie Gantzer Williams-  Hey Karen... Newsflash: he was found guilty of murder by a jury of his peers... And to be convicted of murder the Prosecution has to prove INTENT... So yes, he in fact DID intend to kill Sgt. Dulle... This case had nothing to do with race from the beginning... Don't bother bringing it up now!
• Heidi Trusty-  ‎@Karen Daniels the color of his skin ABSOLUTELY DOES NOT MATTER! The simple fact is his ignorant ass stole a car, had a gun that he purchased off the streets to in his words go to Dayton and handle business, led police on a high speed 18 mile Chase. During this Chase he ran 2 other officers off the road before he hit and killed Officer Dulle. Rather he intended to do it is neither here nor there. Common sense hello I'd you are driving at speeds in excess of 100mph trying to run from the cops someone is going to get hit if killed. Your comment is what's racist NOT the jury!
• Greg Crouse-  i feel bad for the cops family but im sick of how people thart flee from the cops get the stop sticks thrown down they crash into a cop then get charged with murder!its the risk that comes with the job!i guess they should put warning labels on stop sticks that say Warning when sticks make contact with tires the car can and most likely will crash out of control throw sticks at your own risk!!he will appeal! no african americans on the jury!thats just wrong and yes im white!i wouldnt want an all black jury if it was me out of general principal!ohio is the weirdest f*ckin state
• Brian Sheperd-  I have to ask , why is it EVERYTIME a black person is convicted of a crime and is found guilty its a race thing ? Whenever a white person committes a crime and gets the SAME punishment you never hear a damn thing about race being an issue . Any other state would have shot and killed him as should had been done here .
• And finally.... "They should have had more African Americans on the jury. That's all I have to say," said Isreal's mother, Carla Comyra.

Okay....That's enough!  I'm all over this craziness.  Keywords that stuck out to me: electric chair, white boy, stupidity. Really people what the hell is really the issue. This kid was driving 120 MPH! The last time I drove at those speeds I know I hit a squirrel, a bird....something!  Honestly I have never driven at those speeds but the reality is that that is reckless behavior!  It DOES NOT MATTER what race you are at all.  People quit tryin to throw that crap out there like it really matters.  Now I understand that you have "followers" which are just people that think like you because you are so closed-minded to the real world but damn, damn, damn!!!! Stop it!!!.  And Ms. Comyra, honey, sweetie….there are qualifications to become a juror!

·         be a United States citizen;      

·         be at least 18 years of age;

·         reside primarily in the judicial district for one year;

·         be adequately proficient in English;

·         have no disqualifying mental or physical condition;

·         not currently be subject to felony charges; and

·         never have been convicted of a felony (unless civil rights have been legally restored)

I’m gonna let you figure out why the hell the jury consisted of who it did!  Sit the hell down!  Did you not know that a jury consists of your peers? Yes ma’am…YOUR PEERS! The fact of the matter is that in 2010 Warren County had a population of 212,693 people OF WHICH 3.3% consisted of African Americans. So, let me break this down... The reality of Marcus Isreal's trial is that....let me pull out my facts....His “peers” statistically are WHITE therefore the trial consisted of a ALL WHITE jury. Even further breakdown… Your peers are people who are equal in such respects as age, education or social class etc.  With all that said…. So Freakin what! This is not racist!  Racism is the belief that inherent different traits in human racial groups justify discrimination.    People do the math!   Quit making yourself look so damn ignorant!  

I really hate that people can be so damn ignorant.  The race card has to be played everytime for what reason?  Let me throw out this scenario:  All black jury and Officer Dulle’s race was African American, what card would have been played???  And there you have it! It all falls down to ACCOUNTABILITY. So the questions are this simple:

          Did Marcus Isreal hit Officer Dulle…….YES!

          Was Officer Dulle Killed in this incident…..YES!

          Did Marcus Isreal INTENTIONALLY KILL this Officer….. YES!

Let me explain this.  I don’t think he woke up and said “I’m gonna kill an officer today” but I do believe that when you “flee” (run- I hate dumb’n down shit for people) and you decide to put other people in danger by you driving like an idiot going 120 mph that reeks INTENT! You intentionally decided to be a dumbass and now you have to face the consequences.

NUFF SAID! I "fold" my hand!

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