Lyrics of My Soul...

I loved you from a mere thought... a desire at which I've rarely shared.  Though a complicated process I knew exactly what it was that I wanted to do.  Our days seem to change from one drastic day to another and at some point there would be nothing to change my mind or position with you until now.  Until now I had this sense that everything would be okay.  What exactly is "okay" anymore these days? Silence, fewer calls, scattered pettiness; I just don't know anymore. But again, what I do know is that I love you.

When I close my eyes you give me peace.  A sense that I live for daily.   But the problem is, I don't get that much sleep these days either. Although if you were here right now I figure I still wouldn't be getting much sleep but at least I would be smiling. I would find joy in waking up the mister just to have him sitting up with me while holding you.  Watching him nod off as we both are completely wide awake and watching yet another ifomercial of more things to make with the Ninja blender 3 models later.  Listening to the nonsense that he calls sleep but we call..."omg!,we can't sleep with all this going on!  I'd watch you and wonder how did this thought turn to a gracious reality that is suddenly taking over my heart day by day.  For this, I love you.

I had a great....no WE had a great feeling about this and somehow I just can't carry thru with it.  The decision was made and nothing went right afterwards...nothing! I reviewed all of my files again, called the insurance company again, looked over some notes....that's right....again but the same thing kept crossing my mind. I couldn't bare the thought of losing you at any point.  I can't face the fact that in time where there is happiness it could be taken away from me from 0 to 9.  I guess this is where the quote would come in that "it would be better to love and lost than to have loved at all" and I claim all that just bullshit!  I would know the tears that we had the day the decision was made.  Secretly laying and hoping that everything would be okay and it's not.  Knowing that our life with a new beautiful face would be the beginning of yet another jealous rage that would send our lives...your life...into something that it should never be.  I love you with all of my being and this hurts.  Hurts in a way that really no words can describe.  I don't know what to do at this point but try to move on. And in doing so doesn't mean that I will forget you. It means that I wasn't strong enough to do right by you. But honestly how can I? Nothing is within my control anymore. Not even potentially the creation of you. Not even my life at this point.  But in knowing how much I love you I will never forget the fond memories that I have created for you thus far.  Those I will always carry in my heart always.  You remain nameless at this point but if he had his way you would be simply....Lyric... be sure to spell it to be clear.

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