Silent Cries Ever So Clear

Man I've been thru a lot of crap in my life thus far...

What happens when you ignore a woman’s silent cries?
Tears asking for more, that simply go unheard,
Covering with lies to disguise the truth a man can not accept
Regrets, these things follow us so long
Well after the person has left and gone
And a man is left staring at the door, wondering
I don’t know what it was,
I could blame it on a thousand things
But I just wasn’t listening
With all the clutter of the real world I couldn’t avoid
I just couldn’t hear her
Too much noise in the background
I know there was a void and I tried to cover substance with empty promises
Thinking it could be traded and compensated
Thinking I could return again later
Making good on all that I swore I would
But sometimes, for all the promises, the realities are just not enough
And you are left, wondering
You are left wishing
Hoping
That that front door would just open,
That you’d hear the key crackling
And life would be the same again
In your heart, you know that this time would be different
That you’d make enough time, more than enough,
For every five minutes she needed to confide in you,
You’d give her an hour
For every moment she wanted to be next to you,
You’d give me a night full
For every time she wanted to see a movie ,
You’d give her a production
For every song she wanted to hear,
You’d choreograph a symphony
For every time she missed you,
You’d be there
Could she have really found love,
in the arms of another?
As time ticks
Wishes becoming silent tears
Memories become silent hauntings
Thoughts becoming silent fears
Feelings becoming silent wantings
The clock does tick,
And regrets, they follow us so long
Well after she has left
Well after she has moved on
With tears now running down a my closed eyes
I hear a key, finally turning in the door

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Breathe

Early last year I was in a situation where life was making me make a quick, serious, and life changing choice. And although we think that we know someone, we really don't. At a time where the impossible happens without notice or warning. But unfortunately I'd been in this situation before. Here is my story...expelled....


I can be all the woman that u want
I can be all woman that u need
I can make ur wildest fantasy into reality…
But I cant now
Because I cannot Breathe

I could give u a love so unbreakably strong
I could give u happiness beyond belief
I could give u me day to night, night to day , day to night…
But I cant now
Because I cannot Breathe

Your 10 fingers around my neck are slowing griping tighter
Even when I notion to u that the white light near the end
Is getting brighter & brighter & brighter
From top to bottom I feel the
Jealousy
Animosity
Controversy
Hypocrisy

Lack of love
Lack of trust
Broken Promises
Empty Lust
Little Goals
Few Dreams
Restrict of airflow, Suffocating me

You have a diamond,
A rare pearl from within the deep seas
You have what some men search a lifetime for…
You have all of this at your fingertips
But instead you choose to extract all of the air out of my body
Leaving me limp, lifeless…deceased
Because I could not Breathe

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To Affect Love...

Love and Affection, are these two words one in the same? And how do they compare in different aspects of your life such as in a relationship, family setting and just in the everyday world? At first when Anthony gave me this topic I drew a blank. Not even a stick figure of what I really wanted to portray about this subject. As my mind started to spin and pick apart what these two words mean individually as well as how they intermingle with one another some light finally passed thru.

I guess I believe that “Affection” is the first step towards love. Then love is the combination of one’s emotional, mental, physical, spiritual attachment to another person. These days’ people are so scared of the “L” word that they often misrepresent it by using the word “Like”. But love requires build up of many years ( but not typical—love at first sight) that finally allow for the infusion of each other’s ego and the merging of the two individual psyche’s into one vibrant world. Love does not, in itself, allow a partition because that would mean destruction of two individuals. To “like” allows normal people like you and me to meet, mate, cohabitate, leave, forget, find another and carry on a cycle of experiences. “Love” does not. Love is a feeling; affection is the physical expression of it. The two can be combined, or separate… you can have love without expression/affection (which is truly a sad thing) and you can have affection without love. But to confuse things more, you can feel affection for someone you love but not necessarily love them.

If you truly love someone, wouldn’t you be willing to give up anything for them? Is that a fact or a myth? I know that love is about communication, dedication, and understanding and so much more along those lines but what about the promises that we make to our spouse, significant other, and our children? If someone promised you that they would never leave you, and do, does that count as betrayal or should you just accept it as a meaningless promise because no one knows what will happen in the future? If someone leaves you, should you chase them because you love them or do you expect them to chase you as a way to prove that they do in fact love you? I guess that just depends on what book you’re reading- If you’re reading the Bible it’s “until death do us part”…if you are reading a best-seller romance novel its probably until someone gets bored. What we are dealing with now is the fact that most people would rather bail than to stick with it through the rough stages. In a relationship, if you’re not willing to stick it out longer, forgive for anything or try a second time does that mean that you didn’t love that person with your everything? That you’re not as dedicated as you said. And what if that person leaves you? Since they decided to forfeit their commitment to you how do you make something work when the other person has given up on you so easily? I guess we don’t. Our minds and hearts play simultaneous tricks on us and we start to wonder if it is really worth it.

We do these same things in our careers. We think that just because everything is not “perfect” with our career that it’s the end of the world. Again, this is a relationship between not a spouse or significant other but your employer. A commitment to one another. The “love” is the job. The “affection” is the wage. I know, pretty clever of me huh…lol.

Love and affection is unpredictable and can fade easily. How does the quote go, “If you love something, set it free; if it comes back it's yours, if it doesn't, it never was.” But also remember when we fail at anything do not throw away your dignity. And like I said in a previous blog….Failure is not in my dictionary!

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Surrendering To Love...

Sitting here and wondering why I took the road that I did in my past I'm realizing that I may not have necessarily have done things quite the way I really wanted to in hindsight. I surrounded myself with wonderful people that influenced me greatly as a woman and just as a human being in this so called world. I was a creature of no nonsense and no tolerance for anything but really what was I afraid of? Afraid to grow, be successful and most of all to love and be loved. I think that I had that once before, no I know that I did. What did I do to dismantle that love?

It started with an arrogant comment that lead to something more. Something that was so beautiful beyond words but I will at least try to help you understand. We had so much in common. Enjoying evenings of just togetherness that lead to the most intimate of times that were literally breath-taking. Hearing the words "I love you" were just enough to send my heart into overdrive. I would think about this man constantly and when we were apart we were together. Talking on the phone until I would fall asleep and when I woke up he was still on the phone listening to me sleep. At first it was creepy until I asked why he did it for him to respond "I want to be there when you wake up and need me." Wow, where was this man from? So intelligent to me, I would call him a walking genius but yet so normal. I'd look forward to seein him in my daily routine. When we couldnt be together I would make sure that there was something with me of his to wear, to be close to, to feel his presence around me. Without thinking I would randomly look at my phone and he would call out of nowhere.

Things were going good. We were so much in love. I would entertain the thought of being the mother of his child and in time the mother of our children. Family was everything to both of us. It's hard to imagine that we had so many plans for our future together that it didnt actually keep us together. I guess its true that people do grow apart. Not just for bad reasons but just for reasons that we cant explain. As time goes by that person turns to a memory of what you wanted, what you needed to survive. And if you are so blessed in life to encounter that person again in life, what would you want to know about the progression of our separation? I posed the question and wasn't really prepared to hear the truth, the response, the reality. My question to him was simply "why did you leave me behind?" he responded "figured you didn't want me." I thought about this for awhile before replying back "I didn't say that." and quickly he replied "you didn't say anything."

How do we teach ourselves to move on so quickly? And how do we go from in love to not speaking. How do we pick up where our lives have ended and we have started anew. How do you tell the person that you've always loved that you still have that love in your heart for them...I think I just did...

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Making Love or Just Having Sex...

Eddie Murphy was once quoted as saying that there is no difference between the act of lovemaking and the act of sex. Seriously...Do people really think that this is the same thing? Well, I dont think so. I believe that they are both two different actions that are separated by emotion. hmmm...let me think about this some more...

What's your take...

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Union--Is it really worth it, or just another cost to the employees?

While getting into the schematics over dinner with Laylo, he brought up some execellent points of the lack of knowledge of the workers as they are embeded into a union. Exactly what is the perception of the worker that has been doing the same job for 20 years and literally going nowhere in there job/career. Not that they are not qualified but its the "cap" that is put forth during negotions between the Union leaders and the Companies that are potentially not letting workers fulfill there total capabilities. I'm going to attemt to break this down... again I say attempt!

It’s highly likely that the way you look at unions isn’t from an unbiased, objective perspective. Seemingly, labor and management that have ongoing issues with each other will see things differently, but often people that really have no attachment to unions at all will dock deep felt opinions, potentially stemming from a specific political persuasion. Since it’s tough to put this aside, let’s try to see if we can put things out into both perspectives.

Let's handle "Labor" first...

Organizing labor made a huge impact in our development as a country. We pushed well beyond legislation and led the fight in workers’ rights, safety, wages, etc. While the majority of the worker's rights walk purposefully in history books, wages and benefits are clearly where unions benefit the worker today. Millions of people would be living far worse lives without their union jobs. It’s also important to take note that union conditions set the normal and established practices for the general working environment which has great impact on non-union workers. Basically it all sums up to, without unions, workers would be worse off.

While working in a union comes with several prices. Most obvious is the union dues that are being paid by union members (workers). But there is also a cost in flexibility. Union workers may be able to move to another company, but they are generally locked out of moving to another industry. This means, once a teamster... always a teamster. Doing something else means starting completely over, and one of the biggest benefits of a union is the pension, which sometimes is not transferable to another line of work. Another twist on flexibility is the inability to go beyond your designated position or do more than the contract stipulates. Once you are at the top of list, that’s where you’ll be until you retire, no matter how hard your work compared to others. If you want to move up, you need to go elsewhere, and unfortuantely at this point you lose your benefits.

Now "Mananagment"

A professional and reliable workforce provides union companies the ability to staff frequently. Many non-union companies face labor issues daily that kill profits and block competitive abilities. For example, a non-union worker may not have the motivation on any given occasion to get out of bed before dawn, whereas a union worker may have more long term incentive to do so. Also, drawing from a professional labor pool on a project basis allows companies to bid work even when they aren’t exactly sure who is going to do it.

Clearly the cost is big issue here, but it’s not just the money. Unions have power and when times are good, they push for benefits for their members. While this makes sense, when the pendulum swings back the other way and money is tight, those wages become non-competitive. This means that non-union companies can lower prices because the market price for labor is lower than the union contract. So more than just a higher cost. It’s really when the labor costs gets significantly beyond the market price that the company can’t compete.

Now the result of of any discussion on this topic always leads back to the side of the table you’re on as this is an ongoing negotiation. I just wanted to try to educate people on both sides, and while it’s obviously a more complex topic than can be covered on my blog, it’s hoped that when you discuss this topic you’ll go beyond your own point of view to that of other people’s perspectives.

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Social Networking Site or Government/Institution Insight

It was suggested today that I should blog about the belief that the Governement uses social sites such as Facebook, MySpace, LinkedIn etc to gather information about you without your knowledge. Thanks to my middle sister Terri for trusting that I would attempt to try to make sense of this or at least try to expose the situation and leave it to my followers to chime in.

When you make the decision to "sign-up" to a social site, what is your intention? To try to connect with friends from your past, future or even make new ones that you can carry thru the rest of your days with. We post what we do with our life up to the moment it happens and also plans and dreams that we have for our future. Posting pictures of what we did last night at a party, family outing or just in general and random. Never in a million years would we think that the government (local or state) would invade our privacy without us giving the acception of their "friend request." While doing some research, I found that the EFF (Electronic Frontier Foundation) noted that the Department of Justice released a presentation entitled "Obtaining and Using Evidence from Social Networking Sites." (http://www.eff.org/files/filenode/social_network/20100303__crim_socialnetworking.pdf) In reading this it says that since we provide information on these sites to the public it can do any of the following: Reveal personal communications, establish motives and personal relationships,rovide location information, and prove and disprove alibis. Facebook trys to comply with emergency cases as they see fit but let's create a scenario. I get off work late one night and Joey and I meet up with a couple of friends for a drink. Joey says he has to leave to go check on something and says his goodbyes to the group. Everyone continues to have a great time and at different times everyone in the group updates their status with the following
Brian-- Chillin with my homies for the night. Good to see Joey again
Trema--Having a relaxing night at Friday's with Joey and some friends
Nattie--So tired after a long day of work, but glad to see Joey at Friday's
Timmy--Thanks Joey for inviting all of us out for drinks for you to leave. Guess
since its only 11 I'll head home.
Joey--Sittin at home bored playing the xbox.

So, in the meantime Joey kills someone in route to his house. But he swears that he was home the entire time. At this point the officials have every right to go to Joey's Facebook page and views his status. Looking thoroughly thru they notice everyone else's status updates (because we are friends) and BAM! Your alibi is compromised! And Joey goes to jail for just being plain stupid...


Also I watched a segment on the news a couple of weeks ago where Colleges are looking into these social sites to decide if you are the "type" of person that fits their mold of a student. Why does this matter? Why can't I be on "Girls Gone Wild XXX" at night or on the weekend and study law by day? Why does it matter that I am a fan of "I put thngs that arn't dirty in the laundry cuz im to lazy to put them away." Does it mean that because I can have a great time being promiscuous that I'm not smart? Or that because I rewash my laundry instead of putting it away i'm not responsible? Let me know! But I think that this is all wrong because my 5 educational degrees tell me so!

What's your take...

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Co-Parenting, No-Parenting or Why am I here...

If you live in a household where there is two parents but they do not see eye-to-eye who is at a loss? The parents, the kids, or everyone. There comes a time when we have to be able to parent together and separate! If you are the parent that spends the most time with the kids due to the fact that the other parent is absent (not literally but in the sense) how can you trust that your children are being "taken care of" when they are in that other parents care. If the children always have to call you to get things done and the other parent is closer to where the situation is this is a problem. If I cant trust that the other parent cant handle the situation where does this leave the kids. This is not any reflection of my life because me and my kid's father have mastered this skill! Yes if a problem arises and the absent parent is not there rest assure that the situation will be handled by the present parent and will be discussed at a later time. But to have one parent that is the entire axis of parenting is just simply "single-parenting" Which brings me to my next point.

If you recognize this and your only reason for being there is for the children why not just take your kids and move on? What are you so afraid of...the fact that the children wont see both parents in the same household? To be forthright, about 35% of children come from a single-parent family and they are doing just fine. I can attest to this. I came from a home where my mother was my center, and everything that she did revolved around me. I turned out okay and believe it or not, I dont think that if my father was in the picture that I would be the person that I am today. The values would have been different. But because my mother accepted her position in life as a mother, it gave me the opportunities that I needed to be the woman that I am today.

So parents (mothers and fathers) quit making excuses as to why you are in a relationship with your kids other parent. If it's just for the kids...MOVE ON!! If not, accept that fact that you are lyin to everyone you know about your relationship when the true fact of the matter is that you're not willing to let go of the other parent and it has not thing to do with the kids.

Again...this is not my life! Just something that I picked up on and really tired of hearing about it.

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I think that I like this...

Well, I've been back and forth with B-R-I-A-N today trying to get my blogspot together...lol. Looks pretty sweet! Thanks so much for all your hard work and patience workin with me. Pretty good team we are. So I figured since I posted the other stuff from my MS account that I would start fresh with new rants. There is a lot going on right now with the school issue, new house, and just life in general. I'd really like to hear your comments (they may get deleted if I dont like them...but that's why its my blog and not yours). You guys know not to take me way to serious but you will definately know when I am. So let's "get it" world!...hahah

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Long Story Short… May 17, 2007

Failure is not in my dictionary.
Persistance is.
Ambition is.
Achievement is.
Success is.
Adventure is.
Endurance is.
Perseverance is.
Failure isn’t

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Thru it all–written July 23, 2009

Sitting and Pondering
My mind was justa wondering
Issues
Decisions
What premonitions
Were stalking my life
It’s demanding my attention
Feels like a conviction
And all I can do
is sit here reminiscing
Thinking of things to keep me on board
Cause Lord Knows
How much more…..
I can take
Before I break
Make a mistake
That I can’t fix
The bills are due
I haven’t a clue
How da hell
My ass
Gonna pull all this through
What’s keepin me sane?
There’s that damn headache again
When does it ease
When will I seize
A moment to just relax
Kick back,
Be on track
My God,
Can you please just cut me some slack?
Sitting still and quiet again
I looked around as I heard my name
A little me,
My daughter
She put all things back in order
Her words to me
So sweet and secure
Were “Mommy I love you”
I thought and replied
“Baby, I love you more”

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Quiet Time–written August 3 2009

It’s the quiet time that i wish would go away
Give me tons of moments
Friends laughing and living
Of debates and decisions
Paperwork and problems
Ways to fill the empty minutes that tock by

Since you are not here
when i don’t have those tons of moments
friends laughing and living
of debates and decisions
paperwork and problems
i immediately start missing you
and thinking about you, where you are and
where you will be

how would it be if you were here with me
and i realize as i watch the sun set
that you arent in my bed, watching the sun
come up with me

You aren’t in my eyes anymore seeing what i see
that you don’t hear my voice falling into your melody
and as i toss and turn to think of something else to do
someone else to be, anything else to see

its the quiet moments that i wish could go away

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