Am I good Enough???

2 years, 2 months and 11 days...If you followed anything that I've done with this blog you know what that means...

It's been so long since I've inked some paper and honestly I thought that it was for the best but ya know what....fuck it! Living in an abyss of broken promises and misused words and my own courage to just walk away I'm standing here like...fuck it! When I open my mouth and the words flow so freely when they are repeated they are a jumbled mess of another's thoughts that are now not my own.

Just like Poe one cannot help being struck by the self-destructive tendencies. Contradictions are everywhere.  He came up with such brilliance like "And then there stole into my fancy, like a rich musical note, the thought of what sweet rest there must be in the grave" Genius!  This is completely genius for I have wanted to seek this peace for the past couple years. After getting myself to a place of peace I realize that that peace was compromised.

"Am I enough?" Is the question that I ask myself daily. If so, what are you showing me to have me asking myself this question.  "Am I enough??  I sit and wonder if it's truly me that you want or the perception of me and a life you want and I'm just a missing piece to your puzzle not mine.  "Am I enough?"  What is my worth to you? In the secret places, where no one sees.  "Am I enough?"  Because you don't know that my scars are symbols of my strength   My scars mean that the hurt is over and the wound is officially closed. It means that I've conquered the pain, learned a lesson, grew stronger (although I may not feel so strong) and moved forward.  My scars are a tattoo of so many triumphs.  I try not to let my scars hold me hostage or assist in making me live in fear.  I can't make them (scars) disappear but I've been sure as hell trying to change the way that I see them.  You see I can't begin to see my scars as a sign of strength and not pain.  Life doesn't have to be perfect to be wonderful. But "am I good enough" is still the question.  Can I live with no regrets, just lessons;  No worries, just acceptance;  No expectations, just gratitude?  In understanding that life is short, the story of MY life has many chapters.  One bad chapter doesn't mean it has to end I guess. So maybe the quick fix would be to stop re-reading the bad one and turn the fucking page.

"Am I good enough?" In a world of the world wide web and social media am I made to compete with things that are not materialized to me.  You may say I'm good enough however what makes one "like" a picture of a half naked woman that looks nothing like me?  I'm good enough you say yet a stranger can catch your attention by being nothing of true value but ass and titties. Yet I have to struggle with my insecurities of wondering "Am I good enough." This i'm sure is what happens daily to people like me who struggle and ask themselves these questions.  I'm keen to hopefully know that this isn't something that my man would do because this part has never been an issue.  Although time (a lot of time) and space and more importantly respect wouldn't lead him to do such things and forcing me in a corner clinching my knees asking myself... "Am I good enough."

"Am I good enough?" Do you ever ask yourself this question? I surely can't be the only one.  I choose to tell you that you are "enough." You should never have to wonder.  If I could tell the world how great you are I would. I do actually in subtleties.   I would tell them that you are compassionate, trustworthy, have good character and compassion. You're balanced, confident, and take initiative.  You have self respect and give respect. Always up for a challenge to be a better man.  You're committed and faithful, humble and adaptable.  You have temperance, promotes moral excellence, a vision to lead and most of all you believe in our Creator.... YOU are enough.  

"Am I good enough?" Outside of your mind... to be seen in the public eye as your woman, your partner.  Will I be subjected to walk in your masculine shadow?  Will I have a say in our life as one or will I just have unspoken words of what I want our life to be?  

In being enough will I have to validate myself daily to continue to be the woman that you love.  A double validation in the sense; yours and mine.  In being enough will I truly be....enough.  As I'm trying to move away from the "Am I good" and just focusing on  "enough" what does that really mean?  

"Am I enough?" 

• Am I positive and love with my whole heart?... I love with my whole heart and then some
• Could I be fiercely loyal and beautifully vulnerable at the same damn time?
• Am I authentic with my words and sentiment?
• Do I make mistakes and try my best to learn from them?

I CAN DO HARD THINGS...

• I have the ability to love any child as if they are my own...life's pleasures.
• I take risks even though I am petrified of failure in hopes that my faith is stronger than my fears
• I am aware of my weaknesses and I'm not afraid to apologize for my actions when necessary, But I will never apologize for who I am
• I try everyday to be a better version of myself...And I will never stop trying.

Maybe I can't be "good enough" for everyone, but I can always be the best for who DESERVES me. Maybe I need to stop asking myself If I'm good enough and start to focus on ridding my life of things that manifest and brings me to self doubt.  Maybe I need to just understand that this beautiful chaos is who I am and for that in its entirety leads me to possibly believe that...


I.....AM.....ENOUGH....nevermind being good.   Refocus on just being...

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