Wounds of Love

Caught in the whirlpool of dreamers,

Around us, fantasy keeps escalating,

With nothing but fear consumers,

We embrace the endless time of loving.

We thought we were meant to be,

That our future was foreseen,

That we're the only ones to ever see,

What true love really means.

At first, it started out great,

It was too good to be true,

It was more than just a date,

It was simply me and you.

But too soon we loved,

And too late we knew,

That our time was shoved,

When our love was still new.

With the value of us misjudged,

We had to pay the price,

Misery was created,

Along with a love dice.

The dice recklessly thrown,

And falls hard does the first mistake,

To us it is shown,

Love cant be forcibly made.

To begin, our feeble trust strains,

To continue our love evolves into hate,

To remain our last hope drains,

And to end, we sadly blame fate.

Though it's easy to pretend,

What's the point of it then?

Can the guilty really mend,

As time repeats again?

Our love is a dying patient,

Suffering undeniable pain,

Reading the doctors diagnoses,

Saying there's nothing to be gain.

Our love was left to mime,

And only reminisced as the ashes of us,

Despair commits the perfect crime,

And tricks us into broken trust.

And even though we say,

We want to love evermore,

Inside we crave each day,

To get away from the love that sores.

Ensnared by the truth and lies,

Lost in the subway of eternal vow,

The pleasure of loving cries,

Where do we go now?

We gambled our love away,

Thinking we could last,

Instead we both strayed,

And kept wishing for the past.

We hurt each other too much,

By loving too quick to last,

With our hope still in miseries clutch,

We pray that this would end fast.

Now we wish for everything to be,

The way they use to be,

But unfortunately, it will never be,

The way we've always wanted it to be.

We swim in unbearable pain,

A polluted pool of us,

We're both going so insane,

Our love evaporating like cold dust.

The simplicity of us,

The complexity of love,

The innocence of ones lust,

The mistake from up above.

Ther's no comfort in the truth,

Pain is the heart you buy,

Glasses breaking the silent soothe,

Knowing our love will soon die.

Realizing truth hurts,

We part as dying friends,

Realizing this hurts,

We part hoping love mends.

Maybe it's better this way,

Because we hurt each other so,

With all the things we want to say,

We just have to let it go.

Wounds too deep to heal,

Time too short to see,

What we really wanted to feel

The meaning of you and me.

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What's in your Bible.???

My sister had posted a very interesting post the other day on her Facebook page which showed me the side of her that I've always saw growing up. After reading it, it brought a smile to my face. See WE have a trait in us that merely just see “people”. Not their faults, discretions, and definitely not their sexuality. Her post was as follows:

"i know there will be a looooooot of people madd off this comment but understand i am me and you are you buuut...I LOVE GAY PEOPLE...i love their spirit and there kindness...am i gay? NO everyone knows who i am and of course i am not gay but i looooooove gay people and i really dnt care if anyone is mad at this...just sayin..."

As I watched for the shit to hit the fan due to this post, there was one in particular that stood out to me. This person basically said (and I am paraphrasing) that gay people do not bother her but then in the same breath said that they cannot get into the KINGDOM and that God does not approve.

Now! let me break out my bible and typically I wouldn't touch this but its moving me to a point to share my thoughts with you. And please by all means necessary leave a comment because this is a NO JUDGEMENT ZONE! Respect my views and I'll respect yours.

Yes, I believe that there is a GOD but do I think that through the years the bible has been influenced by "man" of course! As everything in this world has been. Now this is where I believe that I will hit a nerve with all this...GOD does not pass judgement so therefore its null and void what everyone says about what they believe is so sinful about homosexuality. This is where personally I believe that the bible is based on INTERPRETATION...again, we were not there! I don't recall rubbing elbows with Jesus and discussing homosexuality or heterosexuality at the dinner table at no point of my life.... And neither did my parents! So I believe that the ones that are using the "Bible" as a shield are only trying to justify their own personal beliefs. Who am I to tell you not to be happy with a MAN or a WOMAN? And who are you to speak so strongly about what the bible says if that's not your walk of life? Gay marriage legal in your state...really, you're wasting my tax dollars to deny someone's way of life. And why is this? What difference or care do you have with what goes on in someone else's house?

A response that my sister had to one comment was " i put that up because I have a lot of gay men around me who are ridiculed for that and I just recently went to a salon with two gay men in there...they are hillllllarious...they crack me up...I do not know any gay women that I am aware of other than the one who got shot down on my page...she came at me crazy but for some reason I really love gay men...they are fun to be around..."

See again, who are we to judge? And how can you be so ignorant to say such hurtful things to and about these people? They are always high spirited and upbeat and loving life as it is dealt. I just don’t know about some people! Well my sister nailed it when she responded to one particular comment with “my belief on that is that it might say that in the bible but it also talks about judging others and that there is only one God who has the right to do that...I am a God fearing woman and this is why I do not judge others. The Bible also gives ten commandments and those who dis obey them well lets just say those without sin cast the first stone...I know I am stoneless with that...I just love people for who they are I am not here to be judge”.

Now hang on because we about to dig into your "bible" a little and to the person that commented on my sisters page I really hope that you are reading... Okay, well the BIBLE says in Ex.21:15 "He that smiteth his father, or his mother, shall be surely put to death." First of all, for those of you that don’t know what smiteth means… it is to strike (lightly or severely, literally or figuratively) so this means that anytime you hit someone you should be put to death! Do you agree with this….Didnt think so!

Lev.20:10 "And the man that committeth adultery with another man's wife, even he that committeth adultery with his neighbour's wife, the adulterer and the adulteress shall surely be put to death." … C’mon ya’l!, ya’ll wanted to go by the bible….so hmm…which one of ya’ll ready to die cuz you like “her” better or fell outta love with “him”….hmmm…. Didn’t think so!

And now I’m just gonna say “BOOM!!!” (as my friend Anthony says when he’s made his final statement) and end it all with this one for all you holier than thou folks… Dt.22:13-22 "If any man take a wife, and go in unto her, and hate her ... and say, I took this woman, and when I came to her, I found her not a maid: Then shall the father of the damsel, and her mother, take and bring forth the tokens of the damsel's virginity unto the elders of the city in the gate.... But if this thing be true, and the tokens of virginity be not found for the damsel: Then they shall bring out the damsel to the door of her father's house, and the men of her city shall stone her with stones that she die: because she hath wrought folly in Israel, to play the whore in her father's house: so shalt thou put evil away from among you." And this right here….right here… (in my Kat Williams voice) is what my interpretation of this quite frankly this…. If your “boo” already got a baby daddy… She is NOT and virgin…smdh and you and the baby daddy have the right to stone her ass to death cuz she aint. Wow! Do you realize that that….wait….let me get my facts right… according to NSFG (National Survey of Family Growth) Percent of ever-married men and women who ever had premarital intercourse:

• Women (15-44 years of age): 84.9%
• Men (20-44 years of age): 91.3%

Crickets......Crickets......Crickets......Crickets......

Hmmm…..DIDN’T THINK SO!!!

In society where this is such a HOT topic! What are your opinions readers? And are you brave enough to leave a comment?!?!?

SinSiNattie

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Watch over him...Deploying 12/20/2010

Walter Thurmond--Deploying 12-20-2010

As my nephew prepares in his final hours here, and are slowly coming to an end. I cannot help but to wonder why we are still at war. Maybe that is not a question that I should be asking but as a selfish Aunt my heart is aching. I've known this MAN that was once a small boy all his life and I'm so very proud that he made the commitment to serve our country. Sending prayers and love forever with you to carry you through this journey.

Lord, I ask for him courage.
Courage to face and
Conquer his own fears...
Courage to take him where
Others will not go.

I ask for him strength...
Strength of body to protect others...
Strength of spirit to lead others.
I ask for him dedication...
Dedication to his job, to do it well...
Dedication to his country,
To keep it safe.

Give him, Lord, concern...
For those who trust him
And compassion for those
Who need him, and Please Lord...
Through it all be at his side.

I love you always Nephew and will hold you close to my heart

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A Moment In My Past...

This is me...

Why is it so hard to believe that things between us are coming to an end? This is what you wanted because certainly you cannot think that It could have played out any differently. I have been there thru everything. I will have to face the world that thought that you were this great man but the truth is that you are no different than all the other men that have been in my life. I should have played things like you did. Never giving all of myself to you. And certainly not letting everyone believe that you were someone that you were not.

You see, thru it all there is no fault or blame. It just is what it is and at this point, it's all good! For the best. I did care, well hell, I still care but I refuse to let you control my life when you don't even accept me into yours. There will be no more introductions of anyone else that I know. You didn't give me the same respect.

I finally get it. I was a "test drive" a "lease" something that you thought that you could ride for a couple of years and then after that determine if you wanted to keep me. Well that is no longer your choice. You see, if I had the same opportunity that you did there really wouldn't be a reason to have a relationship. Like you said Friends with benefits....I don't do that but apparently I did it with you. You had whatever it was that you had going on and then there was me. Your "biggest secret". You can't have it both ways! But again, you did. I allowed this to go on for quite some time until it put me into a mood of depression.

I have yet another sidebar that always plays a factor....LIFE...you see shit that you refuse to believe. You let shit ride that you know is not fair or ethical. You live your life and I understand that I'm not included in it to nobody but you. What the fuck was I doing??? Why did I allow you into my life like this? Although I said that there is no blame I do blame myself for my misery in our relationship. I accepted what you told me and not what I was seeing with my own eyes. But I wanted to believe you would not lie to me. How dumb was I?

After crying my eyes out and trying to tell you how unhappy I am in our relationship your only response to me was "alright" and "don't". Alright meaning okay, whatever. and "don't" meaning to not keep doing the things that I've been doing to make the shit work. So how do you go into a partnership and the "partner" is silent. They want the proceeds from the transaction but not willing to put in the work.

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Lakota Schools---Ceasing bus service???

After voters again rejected an operating levy earlier this month, officials have eliminated transportation for students in grades nine through 12, and students who live inside a two-mile radius of their school will no longer be eligible for public school transportation.
The changes are supposed to go into effect Jan. 18, 2011, officials said.

During the meeting, some parents spoke out about their concern for the students' safety while walking to school. Others asked how many buses would be cut and if there would be provisions made for children who choose to bike to school.

Officials told students and parents that the board must cut $12 million from the schools' budget if the levy failed.

So what do you think? Take the brief 4 question survey below. Feel free to oomment as well.

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Poetry

This is what i want... Someone to make it like poetry....

Poetry--Tamia

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Celebrating Elizabeth Edwards...July 3, 1949 – December 7, 2010

As we are all aware Elizabeth Edwards lost her battle with breast cancer on Tuesday, December 7, 2010 at the young age of 61. Elizabeth was the wife of former presidential candidate John Edwards. But this is not the only thing that defined who she was. Elizabeth was many things to many people: a mother, cancer survivor, an writer as well. Having written two best-selling books, "Resilience" and "Saving Grazes," about her battle with cancer and the separation from her husband she was an advocate for many around the world.

On Monday, Elizabeth released a statement on her Facebook page that read "The days of our lives, for all of us, are numbered. We know that. And, yes, there are certainly times when we aren't able to muster as much strength and patience as we would like. It's called being human."

Elizabeth Edwards...you will be missed!

Breast Cancer Facts

• Breast cancer is the most common cancer among American women, after skin cancer.
• Approximately 1 in almost every 8 women (13.4%) will develop breast cancer in her lifetime.
• Breast cancer is the second-leading cause of cancer death in women after lung cancer-- and is the leading cause of cancer death among women ages 35 to 54.
• Only 5% to 10% of breast cancers occur in women with a clearly defined genetic predisposition for the disease. The majority of breast cancer cases are "sporadic," meaning there is no direct family history of the disease. The risk for developing breast cancer increases as a woman ages.

Symptoms for Brest Cancer

• Lump or thickening in or near the breast or in the underarm that persists through the menstrual cycle.
• A mass or lump, which may feel as small as a pea.
• A change in the size, shape, or contour of the breast.
• A blood-stained or clear fluid discharge from the nipple.
• A change in the feel or appearance of the skin on the breast or nipple (dimpled, puckered, scaly, or inflamed).
• Redness of the skin on the breast or nipple.
• A change in shape or position of the nipple
• An area that is distinctly different from any other area on either breast.
• A marble-like hardened area under the skin.

Self Examination Guide

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Rewind! Life After 100...

Wow, it was brought to my attention (by one who shall not me named..lol) that I have surpassed the 100 mark here on my blog. Then I accessed my stat counter and noticed the site has been visited 2,627 times. Wow! It has been truly a blessing to be here with all of you. Life has been taking us thru some craziness in which we have overcome together. The good, the bad, and the just plain ignorance of life. We've been thru it all. We've laughed, we've cried and we said "oh hell naw", "wtf", "omg", "Aight den" and "f'n whatever". So here's to us...celebrating, pop'n bottles, puttin in rotation...lol!

Thanks everyone for I couldn't have done it without you. I've made some of the best friends ever that I'm excited to carry forward in my life. And some leaves that are only here for the season. Now, all you branches...smdh... I'm not sure what I'm gonna do with all ya'll but I'll let ya'll roll for a minute..lol! Remember "Roots" that's what most of ya'll are (I'm not gonna say all, and you know who you are...lol!) Do not make me start naming you cuz you know I will put you on blast:) In a good way...well, maybe not.

So, what's to come in the next 100? I have no clue! Keep the topics coming. I'm putting together surveys to get you guys more involved. I really want to see interaction from you. There's nothing like a good debate (ya"ll already know I'll argue any point).

Love Ya, and let's make the most of whats left in the 2010.

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Would You Marry......?

Click on your response and select the "Let Me Know" button to submit.

Here is the twist... If you answered "Maybe..." you must comment as to what the circumstance would be. This will be anonymous I promise not to expose you I just want to know what ya'll thinking about. I will post the results along with my thoughts.

To post a comment:
> Select "Comment" at the end of the post
> Enter your comment in the box
> Choose your Identity
> Select Name/Url and enter your name in the box
> Select Anonymous--If you wish to remain private

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My Ink....Drops...--My 100th Post!!

Send your complaints to the box

I'll read it when I have the time.

Give me a minute to collect my thoughts

and another to put them in rhyme.

Everyone's happy playing games

but their pushing just a little too hard.

I don't care if you don't know my name,

just keep your trash out of my yard.


We've all got a limit of what we can take,

and I've had it to here with your level of fake.


Respect is what you earn

and Trust is what you lose.

A 2nd chance doesn't mean a 3rd

so don't get the two confused.


We've all got our battle, and each our fights,

but after 6 months of hiding you've lost the right.


Who are you fooling with your lies

that my words are full of nothing but hate?

You lose credibility with your disguise

when we consider what you've written of late.

Now their calling for a truce

when I've barely blinked an eye.

I've suffered enough because of you

so believe me when I say you'll cry.


We both know you hate to see me succeed.

Hope you turn green with envy until your eyes bleed.


Liars and bullies be warned

to a higher power you'll have to pay.

And he won't be conformed

by the pitiful excuses you say.


So keep to the shadows while you can still hide,

and pray final forgiveness will not be denied.

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My future No More...

This is me, ripping the paper, dropping the pen.
Forgetting who I was, who I have always been.
Here I stand, one very last time.
To bring you another, pointless, pathetic rhyme.
About a girl with a father, she loved but she hated.
And a guy, she fell in love with, dated.
About the best friend that changed her, set her free.
The friend that will always be, the one that changed her sexuality.
Here I stand, telling you of my therapy sessions.
Another poem of my heart, another "already been said" confessions.
With tears in my eyes, brand new medication on the sink.
A mind filled with far too many thoughts to think.
This is me, for once and for all, swallowing my pride.
Telling the world, I still think of suicide.
And this is me, admitting from the bottom of my heart.
That I am aware, of how much I've torn, and broken apart.
This is me, apoliigizing for one last night.
Saying that I was wrong, and you were completely right.
Here I stand, with nothing but regret.
Because I can't undo the pain I brought to your lives, and I can't forget.
And that's why this is me, walking away for good.
So you can finally forget me, like I always hoped you would.
This is me, ripping my paper, dropping my pen.
Hoping you'll forget, who I was, who I am, who I could have been...
Unfortunately, I have been in this position and never will I ever let ANYONE have this control over me and what my dreams and hopes for success are.

Now this is me going back to the table where my soul can bleed and let the world get to know the real me. Thru my words that I try to speak so clear with clarity. My feelings pouring onto any sort of paper. Just to let you know that my past will no longer be a reflection of my future...

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Words...

i picked up the pen and grasped it tight
the urge to flee i had to fight
the tip brushed the paper and i gasped in awe
as the glorios words began to fall
one after one they hit the page
and grasped on tight as not to fade
they hoped and twirled on through my mind
and jumped on out the ones i find
then layed on down and shone like stars
good to know their finally ours
the endless lines in perfect script
that cause the balanced scale to tip
now one more page and even more
my hopes to stop go out the door
the sunlight slowly starts to fade
as do the words from out my brain
my dancing pen begins to slow
and the list of words stops to flow
the words quiet down to nothing said
as i get on up and head to bed...

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Misperception ... Love or Hate..You Be The Judge

In seeing so many incidents on the news lately of assult or domestic violence against the alleged "loved one" I felt compelled to write this. What are we doing? Why do actions get so out of control to a point where you feel the need to harm oneself or another. And the first thing that is said is "I love/d her or him." Is this really love or a twisted hatred that is carried from deep within other issues....



Life is so unexpected, day after day

Life is another word for love and hate in every way

You can meet amazing friends that you'll love for years

But in the end most friends will just bring you to tears

Life can be as simple as a friendship ending in preschool

Over not sharing a crayon with a color you thought was cool

Or it can even be hating someone you don't even know

But when you meet them friendship starts to grow

It could be meeting your first love, thinking it will last

And when it's over you still think of them day after day but realize that was the past

You could have a best friend one day, and the next they can hate you

And in a snap, just like that, you're over, it's through

Maybe everyone you ever loved was fake and two faced,

They treated you wrong, you did so back, and they didn't like its taste

Maybe you love music, so you turn it up and play it loud

But some will get angry all because they don't like its sound

Maybe you're a loner, so you like to be alone

Maybe it's because your heart got deeply wounded by a loved one that is now unknown

You may love to write, and only have hopes of being a writer

You may be an addict and only want more cigarattes and another liter

No matter who you are though, it's your choice, it's your life

All life can begin with a smile, but sadly some lives end with a knife

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Happiness...

“The pain I feel now is the happiness I had before. That's the deal.” -- C.S Lewis

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I'm Goin Innnnnn......

I'm going to explode today. I'm sick of dealing with idiots that dont know a real woman when they find one. Story has it that you live with baby momma and your three kids (yes, I'm putting it all out there today) so why in the hell are you coming at me like I was a problem. Sweetie I was single, not "attached". As much as you would like to think that you are running shit you really need to ask your baby momma for approval to wear her title. I am and always will be independent and up on my shit ALWAYS! So this is what you need to do: Grow the fuck up! If I say that I'm not with my kids father and we "Parent" our kids that what the fuck we do! And not to mention that we got the shit down! We know what we doing. Now the sad part is that you live with all them and it is dysfunction all the way around. How could I really be so dumb to try to make shit work with someone that don't have nothing going on for themselves. I've been working in the music industry for years now and the reason that you not going nowhere but Cincinnati is because you aint original. You tryin to be like fools that's already making Millions and its so funny to me to hear how they think of you as "played out." I love working with my Bone crew. They know how tha game is to be played! They in the business of making money...you in tha business of tryin to spend money that you aint got. Trying to keep up with the "Jones'" and putting other people in a bind is not you being independent. That's a grown ass man mooching off of his semi-elderly mother because he knows that since she do it for the other brother that it should be done for him. SAB (Sorry ass bastard) is what you are.

Your idea of a relationship is trying to isolate the female so that you are the only man that she is seeing. Well this is the thing, that only goes so far. Did that work for your baby momma that drives your truck to meet up with her man when you are here at my house. Yea that's the PI report that you fail to believe because you think that you got your "household" together. Ummm naw! You let your kids think that they mini thugs and hoe's all because that's what you and they momma do. But my kids....Straight A's homie! In my house a C & D is unacceptable. I am so tired of men these days making up bullshit ass excuses for their actions: This is how I was raised, he just like me, she just like her momma. WOW!!!

Now let's get into some seriousness of things. Cancer is a disease...a killer. And to lie to someone about being there for them just makes you look like a bigger asshole than you actually are. No wait, the biggest asshole of the bigger asshole that you are. Out of all the relationships that I have had you were the worst!! You are a liar...actually a fucking liar (sorry for the language, but it is so needed at this moment). Now I can deal with a lot of shit: not being communicated with, listened to, not helped amongst all other things but none of them were liars. Therefore you take the prize...Yes you are "legendary" a legendary asshole liar! Because someone visits me in the hospital that's unacceptable to you...why, because they were a male. Wow! The really fucked up thing is that you didn't CALL OR SHOW UP! But, you would come over and in the midst of me throwing up you would ask me if I was okay... I mean really, I'm throwing up! But you would leave me there, on the floor releasing my insides to the ceramic God. You are useless! You are selfish! You are a liar and you will never be anything but a wannabe thug making music in somebody's basement. Wow, you just dont know how good this feels. I'm not answering the phone or responding to any text messages. You are dead to me, just like your kids and your entire family.

It's got to get really old temping at a place for years and they wont hire you. I wouldn't hire your ass either. You late everyday and falsifying drug test...we all know you smoke...hmmm....maybe the job needs to be more "random" with they test.

I get so amazed to see all these young boyz frontin and mess. Nice cars, nice cribs, they may be hustlin but they got stuff to show for it. You got your rim rental receipt that aint all the way paid off...smdh! I really need to stop because at this point you really need to hate me... I dont ever want to see your ass around my way anymore. And to think you was waiting on a key to my kingdom... Bitch Please, be lucky you got one to subsidized housing you living in that I contributed to. My lovely tax dollars at its best. This is why there are people out on the street now because you got a wanna be old ass dope boy frontin with his wannabe hoe and they kids living in housing but to the woman that's hard on her luck with her children sleeping under a bridge somewhere...Where they do that at ya'll? Oh, I forgot, here in Cincinnati, in Seven Hills to be exact.

I'm done with lames and they drama. I'm doing meeeeeeeeeee! I'm successful I'm not giving you the opportunity to benefit off my success. I'm loving working with the label and I sure as hell hope that I dont see that mess come across my desk or any colleagues cuz you already know where it's gonna go! PEACE...

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Roots...

So I took a new job, rather an additional job and I think that I like it so far. And things have been changing so much now that I have accepted some things that I really wasn't trying to see. I have this problem you see. A problem in which I try to help any and everyone in sight at whatever cost to me. Now I watched "Madea Goes To Jail" the other day and she said something that really stuck with me.

“Some people are meant to come into your life for a lifetime, some for only a season and you got to know which is which. And you’re always messing up when you mix those seasonal people up with lifetime expectations.

I put everybody that comes into my life in the category of a tree. Some people are like leaves on a tree. When the wind blows, they’re over there… wind blow that way they over here… they’re unstable. When the seasons change they wither and die, they’re gone. That’s alright. Most people are like that, they’re not there to do anything but take from the tree and give shade every now and then. That’s all they can do. But don’t get mad at people like that, that’s who they are. That’s all they were put on this earth to be. A leaf.

Some people are like a branch on that tree. You have to be careful with those branches too, ‘cause they’ll fool you. They’ll make you think they’re a good friend and they’re real strong but the minute you step out there on them, they’ll break and leave you high and dry.

But if you find two or three people in your life that’s like the roots at the bottom of that tree you are blessed. Those are the kind of people that aren’t going nowhere. They aren’t worried about being seen, nobody has to know that they know you, they don’t have to know what they’re doing for you but if those roots weren’t there, that tree couldn’t live.

A tree could have a hundred million branches but it only takes a few roots down at the bottom to make sure that tree gets everything it needs. When you get some roots, hold on to them but the rest of it… just let it go. Let folks go.”

Now, in the midst of dealing with constant lies and drama that has been put forth in my life over the past year...well hell, past 5 years, I've come to realize that I can be the root for all the people that I encounter. When you need me, lord knows that I am there! But then there is the times that I need people to be there too! I admit now that I'm not superwoman (as I would claim to be) but I am a great modified version. Now I've been dealing with bull and I mean some real mess that would make you question whether or not I was sane at the time. You can't help who you love and I swear the heart wants what it wants. BUT, this is when you/I need to wake the hell up and say "are you f'n kidding me?" I'm in the hospital and not once did you visit me, not once did you call. But a damn text message is supposed to be okay? Now, people come to see me all the way from NY because they know that I'm not feeling well to offer their time and shoulder if needed and you dont budge. What the hell is the real problem here. You get in a financial bind and you come to me, not the woman that you live with...Yea, I'm recognizing my stupidity!

Thru text message (always thru text message) you send me yet another coded message because you want me to blame you for everything because you blame you for everything. But the difference is when I do imply, you fly off the handle and yes I will hang the hell up on you or not respond.

But today...today was different. You questioned my whereabouts because you still dont understand when I tell you that I'm sick that it's not a cold i'm dealing with. But of course, if it's not your kids, mother, or brother it doesn't matter. My house is just the "safe haven" for you to escape the bullshit life that you created but cannot change because you are weak. You want people to understand your life but seriously...c'mon, you made that bed, now lay in it (and I'm sure you are) which I'm really not trying to hear that lie again either.

"Hope u have fun doing it, change is good for everyone"...this was the response from this man after learning that I am continuing to be successful and being my own woman without the help of anyone. Here's the thing, don't be mad at me because I'm younger and I have my shit together. Because I can come and go as I please because I don't cross anyone and my kids are welcomed anywhere they go. Jealousy and envy are a serious problem. William Penn said "The jealous are troublesome to others, but a torment to themselves." So what this means is just because you are miserable with your life, DO NOT bring that shit unto mine.

When I hit a milestone in my life I hear the beat. The beat of Webbie singing "Independent" Cuz I got my own house, and my own car, two jobs...work hard cuz i'm a bad broad. I'm realizing that you are definately a "leaf." You took from my tree but you neva even provided shade. That's like putting a joint in rotation and forgetting to pass it. Like driving the car with the emergency brake on. Like trying to throw a rock at the ground and missing. Okay, I'm done with all that. But seriously, I can count on my hands (and toes) how many roots I have in my life and I'm so grateful. I've just released a leaf that I honestly believe that they will never understand why. But i'm sure it will be my fault. But the thing is, this time.... I DONT CARE!

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From my "Pres"

In knowing people in high places, I really wanted to share this with all of you. I'm sure I will get a slap on the hand for sharing it but who cares. My life is your life...

"Natasha --

When Michelle and I sit down with our family to give thanks today, I want you to know that we'll be especially grateful for folks like you.

Everything we have been able to accomplish in the last two years was possible because you have been willing to work for it and organize for it.

And every time we face a setback, or when progress doesn't happen as quickly as we would like, we know that you'll be right there with us, ready to fight another day.

So I want to thank you -- for everything.

I also hope you'll join me in taking a moment to remember that the freedoms and security we enjoy as Americans are protected by the brave men and women of the United States Armed Forces. These patriots are willing to lay down their lives in our defense, and each of us owes them and their families a debt of gratitude.

Have a wonderful day, and God bless.

Barack"

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He is...

He is affectionate, assertive, competitive, confident, decisive, treats women as equal, hard-working, flexible, honest, trustworthy, fun-loving, a Father, good listener, stylish, spiritual, self-reliant, the list goes on...

I have been a witness to all of these actions first hand. So why must I still hold onto the past. I can't say that it was bad but I can say that once discovered it was overwhelming. I know that I love him with my everything and that he loves me. So now what? Why do we keep going in circles like we do? I love you? I love you. I love YOU! Yes I wrote that 3 different times and with three different meanings. Now that I've established that part of it the real question is "Why don't I trust you?" You've showed me nothing to make me feel like that you would put me in harms way at any part of our relationship. We made the commitment once before but it was never followed through. I had expectations and there was choices that needed to be made. Unfortunately those choices took him out my life. Was the decision that he made really worth losing me? Whatever the case may be, he was taken out of my life.

Years went by and then he was placed in my life once more. At this point feelings came rushing back and then the uncertainty set in. Why did we lose touch? What happens now? Where do we go from here (I never really liked that damn song!) But we sat...we waited...we reminessed...we wondered and then the decision was made to try. Try to love again.

So my delima these days is TRUST. It's hard to have you close when we have been distant for so long. I can't read how you feel and what you want. I see things that shouldn't upset me but clearly it does. So what now? Do we try again? And is my real issue really trust? Maybe I just don't forgive you. Is that really fair of me?

I'm finding that if love has any real meaning that somehow you helped me to define it. With so much energy between our hearts I'm not sure why we really just couldn't confine it between us. Like a princess I want to turn back time and hope for one more second in ur arms again. Losing all grasp on gravity when I'm with you is what I miss so much in my life.

I can't change the past and the mistakes i can't take away but I try to speak with my heart these days and it give me a whole new....well a different perspective. I know what you mean to me and I wish that I could do it all over again. I'd make it so that we could be together but that's something that I can't do alone. I've taken a minute, a second, a moment to make things the way that they should be in my heart and I know that If I walk away a second time that even our friendship will not last. I want to say that I'm a gambling woman and go "all in on black" and green and yellow and red because those are the colors embedded on my favorite hat that he wears. But now that I've given myself to him in a way that was far deeper than spoken words I'm hoping that he will understand. My "written words" are my voice and sometimes are heard more loudly. As my emerald eyes are filled with tears as his heart beats faster as he reads I guess we both are faced with a real life-changing decision to make. What exactly will that be?

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Questions...

When do you give up on your true love? You want to make every effort to attempt to "believe what they say and do" but something is tuggin at your heart to tell you to walk away better yet run... what should be done...what happens next?

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Love's Highway

It is impossible to fall out of love. Love is such a powerful emotion, that once it enulfs you it does not depart. True love is eternal. and if you were once in love, but fell out of it, then it wasn't love you were in. There are no 'exit' signs in love, there is only an 'on' ramp. Your job is to just be clear in the 'destination' that you are trying to reach---- SinSiNattie

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Back In The Day...

As most of us now are parents I would love to know what we tell our kids of "Back in the day" when we was growing up...lol

I'll start... Back in the day, I did not get to go to a fancy hotel and stay just for my birthday EVERY YEAR!!!

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"The Daily Show With Jon Stewart Presents Earth (The Book): A Visitor's Guide to the Human Race."

I haven't read a book quite like this in such a long time that it was a breath of fresh air. People do still know how to write books that can appeal to everyone. I mean, if you hate to read I swear that you would still get a kick out of this book. It's not the traditional book, so really don't expect for it to be or you will ruin it for yourself. So, Jon Stewart was a damn fool with this book my favorites were as followed:


Saturn- God liked this planet. So he put a ring on it.

Jupiter- The biggest planet. Tread lightly: as you can see by the Great RedSpot, it's got herpes.

North America-- Nickname "The Landmass That Kicks Landass!"

Hurricanes-- A.k.a "typhoons" or "cyclones," depending on ethnicity of victims

After learning how to talk, the next logical step was learning how to make a piece of wood tell racist jokes.

Races of Man: Asiatic, Negroid, Normal and Australoid

Loofah- Waterproof sandpaper

Belt- Pant-fastener adjustable for easy gluttony

Pajamas- Were special clothes people had to start wearing when their kids turned three.

They told Elmo "no one wants to see a monster get ticked anymore, kid. You'll never make a penny with that act." But Elmo no listen.

For many women, co-hosting The View was a crucial step in coping with menopause.

Q: What was the happiest period in a human's life? A: Either the one immediately preceding the period one was currently in, or the one immediately following it.

Q: Could both men and women be homosexuals? A: Yes, but not with each other.

Q: What were the most common ways of proposing marriage? A: A man would most commonly declare his intentions by presenting his beloved with a diamond ring on a large television during a packed sporting event. In the rare case when a woman asked the man to marry, she often did it by urinating on a stick and showing him the results.

Escape: Alcohol and Drugs


Please check this book out!! It was a great read. Even if you have to skim thru it:)

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Diaper Duty...P&G Discovery Center

If you have little ones in diapers right now, sign up for the P & G Discovery Center.

You will most likely have to leave a message. Just let them know that you want to be added to the database to do market research studies. They will call you back and get your address and then send you a packet to fill out. Once you have filled it out and sent it in you will start getting calls and emails about studies going on.

They are great!!! Call Today!!!

You need to call either 513-626-baby (2229) or 513-626-2852 or 513-945-4454 or

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Just One Thing...

So in reflection of my life I thought about posing this question to my followers. So answer as truthfully as possible but there is one catch...this excludes anything that has to do with any relationship at all. This is more on a single/personal level.




If you could change one thing, what would it be and why? Also, do you feel that it would have impacted your life in a manner that would have changed where you are today.

I'm interested so let me know.

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David After the Dentist

Have you ever been to the dentist and felt just a bit loopy? Well poor little David did! Just his luck his father was there to record him after his trip to the dentist.

Check this out! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=txqiwrbYGrs

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Antoine Dodson

Original News Clip--Huntsville Rapist

Aftermath--Really!?!??!

Antoine Dodson--Huntville Rapist "Bed Intruder" BET Appearance

LOS ANGELES (CBS) Antoine Dodson from Huntsville, Ala., is one of the latest memes to come out of YouTube. After being interviewed by a local news station on July 29 about his sister, who was attacked by a home intruder, the video began to trickle into the blogosphere.

Dodson's raw emotionality has had a lot of different interpretations. Some people were amused by the way he described what happened, some were drawn in by his intensity and his new fans - who he says are rape victims themselves - related to to his reaction towards the circumstances. In their eyes, he became a sort of hero for speaking out and now making something positive of this situation for him and his family.

He told me over Skype, "At the time, I didn't really care because I was so angry. I didn't want what I said to be swept under the rug so I felt like I should just put it out there like it really was."

Source: ON THE SCENE WITH SHIRA & Daily Motion

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!!!!!

I'm trying to figure out why some people think that all the world revolves around them. If I dont speak to you can't it just be because i have things goin on in my life that needs to be addressed. I owe you NOTHING!!! no explanations at all. I'm really sick and tired of this. I speak to show that I'm over the past but damnit i have not forgotten what type of person that you are. People do not change...they modify. They modify to what they think that you want them to be when nothing really changes.

I cannot make you, nor do I want to. I really wish people would just get that. I am me... a unique person. I have everything that I want I dont need anything else. I have my girls and my "husband" in my life and that's all that I need. Wishing people would get that and quit asking me questions about what they think I need and want.!!!

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IF...

If we were together,
I'd love you more than anything.
If we were together,
I'd always want to be with you.
If we were together,
Your all I would think about.
If we were together,
Your all I would dream about.
If we were together,
Your all I would write about.
If we were together,
I wouldn't want anyone else.
If we were together,
You would rule my world.
If we were together,
You would own my heart.
If we were together,
I would try to express my love for you in every possible.
If we were together,
I'd be there whenever you need me.
If we were together,
I'd do anything for you.
But thats IF we were together.

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Mr. What If...

For those who have one, know one, or is one..

Who is Mr. “What If?”

He’s the one you once made love to

In a dream,

or in reality.

The one who slips into your thoughts

when your alone…

or with someone else.

He’s the one you yearn for,

The one you let get away.

The one whom you reminisce about past affections

The man you think of one day feeling clear reflections of his love.

He makes you laugh,

When the world’s cruelty makes you cry.

When everyone else only sees the style of your hair,

The makeup on your face,

And build of your body,

He knows your mind,

Feels your spirit,

And sees your soul

Underneath it all.

He’s the friend that’s more than a friend,

The crush,

The old flame that continues burning deeply within.

The man who you would,

if you could,but you won’t,

Cause for some reason you just can’t…

But what if???

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New Segment--This is me

I decided to start a segment titled "This is Me". Now you will not have to try and figure out if I'm writing about me or someone else or just a rant. I live an eventful life filled life with users, haters, manipulators, insecure people, inconsiderate people, insensitive people as well as people who care a lot about me.

So, to start this out the right way, I was floored to hear today when someone told me that coming out to see me was causing financial issues. WTF. At what point should I have to pay YOU to come and see ME! Exactly wtf! Why is it that YOU are so-called "stressed" but it's your own doing? I have nothing to do with this. Why am I even hearing about it. Next time let me pick you up at your house. Oh wait, can't do that exactly. Can I be the type of person that you were to me? Can I just have the "show up" mentality. When I "Show-up" you take care of everything but then I'm gonna be stressed the hell out to you about shit that dont even concern you. What a way to say "I love you". WOW! I was clueless on how this works. I'm hearing the remix to Run DMC's "Dumb Girl" song...ugh! My own fault I guess for stressing YOU the hell out. I really didnt mean no harm. I thought leading a double life was the stressful part but obviously leading a somewhat normal one stresses you out...go figure.

I'm doing something wrong....but it's gonna be alright!

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Couple of things

So, I've been playing around with the site and decided to change around a couple of things. I have added new features such as "Share" and "Reactions". There is also a search bar at the top now that you can search different segments a.k.a labels(there is current only one "funny how" but there is more to come).

Also, things have been really crazy in my life for the past couple of weeks and am sorry for not being able to get on here and post consistently but I promise that I will make conscience effort to post at least every other day.

Thanks as always as I've noticed that my Stat Counter is above 2,300. Congrats to us all!!! With your topics and my opinions we make a great team! There have been requests of a published book and I'm looking into it…again, that takes time that I don't have but I will fit it into my scheduleJ

Sinsinattie

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If… Only you knew….

{Singin}
If only you knew,
How much I do…
Do love you.
If only you knew,
How much I do…
Do need you

AS I SIT HERE PONDERING MY CURRENT DOWNFALL
I WONDER WAS IT EVEN WORTH IT AT ALL.
TO GO THROUGH ALL THE DRAMA, PAIN,
AND SUFFERING
TELLING MYSELF DON'T LOOK BACK
DON'T THINK OF RETURNING.

LOVE HAS A WAY OF SHOWING ITSELF
RENDERING YOU HELPLESS
TILL YOU BLAME YOURSELF
WHY CAN'T THINGS BE THE WAY THEY SHOULD
WHY CANT WE HAVE WHAT GOD TOLD
US WE WOULD

MY MAMA WARNED ME THERE
WILL BE DAYS LIKE THIS
WHEN THE PIECES OF LIFE
JUST WILL NOT FIT
I KEEP MY HEAD UP AND THANK GOD EVERYDAY
FOR GIVING ME PEACE AND SHOWING
ME THE WAY

I USED TO SING LOVE DON'T LIVE HERE ANYMORE
IT PACKED ITS BAG AND RAN OUT THE DOOR
NOW I KNOW THAT TRUE LOVE COMES FROM WITHIN
CAUSING NO GRIEF OR SORROW
NO LUST OR SIN

I WISH I COULD JUST FLY AWAY
IN SEARCH OF A BETTER DAY
BUT GOD IS MY STRENGTH
MY JOY AND PEACE
AND HE'LL SHOW ME THAT RAINBOW
ONCE THE RAIN HAS CEASED.

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MARRIAGE –By 'Justin Jones-Fosu

When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I've got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.

Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly.

She didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?

I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn't talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn't love her anymore. I just pitied her!

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company.

She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.

The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn't have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane.

When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.

In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn't want anything from me, but needed a month's notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month's time and she didn't want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.

This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day.

She requested that every day for the month's duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.

I told Jane about my wife's divorce conditions. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.

My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don't tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside
the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn't looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me.

On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn't tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.

She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.

Suddenly it hit me... she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.

Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it's time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.

But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn't noticed that our life lacked intimacy.

I drove to office.... jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind...I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore.

She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Jane, I said, I won't divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn't value the details of our lives, not because we didn't love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart.

Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away.

At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I'll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.

That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed - dead.
My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push thru with the divorce.-- At least, in the eyes of our son--- I'm a loving husband....

The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves. So find time to be your spouse's friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage!

If you don't share this, nothing will happen to you.

If you do, you just might save a marriage.
Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.

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What’s Your Commandment?

If you could add a commandment, what would it be and why. I have listed the ten as we know it…

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Just Another Day…

After saying that enough is enough that doesn't change the fact that I still love him. Regardless of how things are and and why they were that way, I still miss him. I miss the things that we used to do. I miss the things that we used to share. The moments that started with silence that ended in laughter. The moments that started in laughter and ended in tears. Sometimes tears of joy and sometimes just tears without explanation.

Dealing with emotions that are out of my control. I hate him, I love him, I need him, and then there is fuck him. But then the heart still bleeds. Though its been years that I've felt this way it hard to overcome what the heart wants. Can you ever choose what you want over what the heart wants? See, I let love in Despite letdowns and past heartbreak, chose to love infinitely and without boundaries. Was this wrong? I opened my mind and I understand that Sometimes we can't put our minds around love ... we can't know why someone chooses to love us. But I opened my mind to the possibility of love. Then I opened my heart. And in learning to open my mind to the possibility of love, and opening my heart to love back, and in return, let love in. Was this a mistake?
Let Love In…. So I've done this, and learned to open my mind and heart to the possibility of loving someone else, learn to let someone else love me back….

Jean Anouilh says that "There is love of course. And then there's life, its enemy." I think that I'm starting to believe this. And then G. K. Chesterton said that "The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost." So , is this where the pain comes from? I so want to take back the saying that "Pain is Love" and just let Ja Rule just do another remix. Hmm, maybe with JayZ and Rihanna or some shit like that! Just another day in paradise trying to figure this mess out… where is my Phil Collins CD at?!?!?

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Untitled…

I'm sitting here lonely,
Miserable and confused.
Wondering how could I give a nigga my mind, body, and soul.
Ant still I get used?

I keep asking myself why?
Why did I have to be a victim of loves consequences?
Why is it that my heart always has to be so secluded?
Kept from others and fenced in?

Like a loaded beretta,
I was so anxious and ready to use that four-letter word.
Blind to the knowledge about the power it carries,
I mean, only stories I've heard.

Desiring a destiny of someone,
Who love is so demanding and strict.
Seek and you should find your worth,
And I guess mine aint shit.

Knowing at my age,
The technique of my wisdom is so unique.
But still allowing love to break me down,
And making me weak.

I've given up on love,
Because I never come out with the winning hand.
Having the potential to exceed in this game,
But continuously coming out with just a friend.

I can't keep intentionally preparing myself to get hurt.
I know my special someone is out there,
Waiting for me to release all of my love onto them determined for this to work

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My Book...

I thought you were the conclusion of my book,

But it turns out that you’re only a chapter.

Finally deprived from your lies,

Realizing there’s never really a happily ever after.

Reading you page by page,

Trying to understand the description of your story.

Provoked by your words,

Confused, but still allowing you to allure me.

When you get lost,

You’d repeatedly come back.

But wait, something’s not the same,

Love and attention is what you lack.
I tried to go slow as I possibly could,

But I couldn’t do it,

I can’t take this anymore.

I can’t stay in this one spot,

I have to move to the next chapter.

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Lesson Learned...

He was never mine

But the love he gave to me was divine

He was like my remedy

But he only helped with one need

I made the mistake by letting my feelings get too strong

But what we had was wrong…

I have to let all this sh– burn

I’m not going to sit here and yearn

Is he worth it?

I need a man who’s legit

Cuz I’m so sick of these muthafuckas round here

Is it too hard for a girl to find a man who can be real and sincere…

All the ones I’ve seen are the same…

All them fools love to run these games.

Why haven’t I found one who can do right?

All the good ones don’t seem to come into my sight.

I been fallin’ for the same ones every time..

Why have I been making the wrong ones mine?

But once you’ve given yourself to someone it’s impossible not to reminisce….

Because In you, he will always exist…

And in the end, when the game is adjourned…

you’re always left with a lesson learned.

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Anything....Everything....Nothing

First let me say this....THIS IS MY LIFE...

I'm getting sarcastic remarks about a party that I know absolutely nothing about! She mentioned her birthday and doing my hair in no specific order and BOOM!...I'm placed there by association. How can you be pissed at me because of someone elses shit? Okay readers, I'm gonna be pissed at you because one of my other readers didn't tell me about a party that I have no control over at another readers venue...sigh!!! Why does this always happen. I've opened up my entire life to you and you get upset at me. How about how I feel when you have family gatherings that I'm not even invited to. I'm at home alone. I make up excuses to my family about your whereabouts as I sit at home alone...

It's about to be me and my kids and fuck the rest. If we cannot mesh our families by now we never will and it is never to be. "Tired of Waiting" that's my life. Wrapped up in someone's selfishness which is leaving me with depression. It's not fair. Tired of getting comments like " I dont know what you do when I'm not there" ..my response at this point is "change it and be here and you will know exactly what I do" even though at that point I will be sleep because I cannot sleep when he is not here. So lame to love someone so much that it hurts. I do love him and I do care but considering the circumstances we just cannot be with one another. So why do we continue and let things get worse because we both know in our hearts that it will never get better? I've been here giving my all and I don't want to say that he isn't but not the way that I want him to. I want to roll over in the bed to him in the mornings, go to sleep with him in my evenings and that is just not going to happen. I want to have a family and move forward but yet I'm going backwards.

I dont want him to choose between me and his kids because to him that's what he thinks that I'm asking. This is NOT what I want because if I had to make the decision I would choose my children over any relationship! I just want him to make a better commitment to me at which he cannot do. Why keep going thru the struggle I always ask myself? Because of love...what is love? Did I blog about the definition of love once before? What about other expressive words in a relationship? Such as:

Love-- The feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection for someone or something. I have that. I feel that for this person. Strongly to the point where it hurts.

Devotion--profound dedication to someone. I also have this. This also hurts.

and then there is Commitment- often viewed as the decision to stay with your partner for life. Commitments may range from simple verbal agreements (not to become emotionally and/or sexually involved with other people) to publicly formalized legal contracts (marriage). However, commitment is more than simply agreeing to stay with your partner through bad times. Commitment means being devoted to doing things to nurture the relationship and protect it from harm and to fix it if damaged. Both partners care about each other's needs and must be willing to put each other's needs first--including being willing to make personal sacrifices for the good of the relationship. The partners should be willing to depend on each other and feel secure that each will be loyal to each other and to the relationship.

That is where everything falls apart...at commitment. I dont want a commitment of a timeblock, i want the commitment of a lifetime. Dr. Tracy says that commitment comes in steps:

You begin dating every Saturday night. --Well sort of, kind of...this was nice
You miss each other whenever you're apart. --Always, every moment of every day
You agree to make your relationship monogamous --Albsolutely, wouldn't have it any other way!
You make future plans together--Can't do this...
You begin seeing each other all weekend and during the week as well--More like two blocks of time during the week and a block on Saturdays.
You sleep together almost every night--Not even hardly. I would kill for this day.. these moments.
You're happy with your relationship 90 percent of the time--I cant say that I exactly am. I love the person. But the relationship is far from a relationship.
You spend vacations and holidays together--Never
You give each other little gifts--I try...
You meet each other's families--He's met mine...not the other way around.
You discuss finances--For what, I'm still tryin to have "my time"
You move in together--No...
You seriously discuss having children together, or not--I wanted another child.....he said no...opportunity gone for a lifetime for me.

You start to acquire property together (anything from a VCR to a house) and co-mingle monies in some way--No...
You marry or make some other form of lifelong commitment to each other--No...it takes two. Yet another painful realization.

According to Dr. Tracy how long does the process from meeting to marriage take? A typical and reasonable time to progress from meeting to marriage is two years. C'mon, really. I can't get this man to spend the night frequently let alone marry me...ugh! The heart is some fucked up drug that poisons your soul. And if loving someone is done right, it should never hurt.

What we have is a Romantic Love where it bonds individuals emotionally through intimacy and physically through passionate arousal. What I want...yearn for is Consummate love, the complete form of love, representing an ideal relationship. Within this love there is intimacy, passion and commitment. To have all three would be like dwelling in the heavens.

Now I understand that men express love thru actions. I also understand that there are some signs that tell you that a man loves you:

When a man loves you, he will seek to meet your needs--what needs are the question here...

He will be supportive--..............

He will respond to your emotional needs. Does he do his best to make you feel secure?--Of course he does, but the problem is that what's the point in being secure if its only while he is here...hence my frustrations...ugh!!!

He'll make a commitment to you--Again, this is where I'm fucked!!! I'm really starting to hate that word!

I put this section in red because my heart is bleeding. Now, this is what I do know. He loves me. I see it in his face. I love him…I feel it. But why can’t we get to a point where we just say that we gave it our best shot. I honestly believe that if I knew that feelings would get involved considering the circumstances, I know that we both would have agreed to not pursue anything. Before we could get a handle of what was going on it was already too late. Now what?... that is the burning question. When we discuss breaking up it’s never an understanding. I’m made to feel guilty for not “hanging in there”. He’s already expressed that things don’t happen overnight and it will not be forever. But my stance is that there is a hell of a lot of time between me dyin and forever. And why is this feeling from me okay with him? I wish I could speak to him and ask these questions but it always ends in an argument. Him getting defensive as if I am accusing when all I’m looking for is answers. All I want to know is a timeline. I feel so much like an outsider in his world. A nobody...nothing. I want to talk to you. I want to feel you...I cant do any of this thru a text message. We are not teenagers yet adults. If we cannot TALK now there is nothing that can be put in a text message to make it right. In a different time and place someone could handle this situation. But I cannot. I'm not strong enough to handle this. I have failed and I do not do failure at all. All my life its been about what my partner wanted and never about what I want. I dont ask for much. And in a normal situation I know that you would give me what I want. But there is nothing normal about our situation and i'm hurting....badly. And when I tell you that I dont want to hurt anymore the response is "dont". How insensative of you. There is no fault in this at all. No one is to blame. It just happened. I admit to falling for a man that cannot catch me. And I fell hard so the impact is going to cause a lifetime of pain. Scars on top of my already opened wounds. We both are caught in the middle of love's hell. Wow, me using oxymoron's. I'm impressed. In this cyber world where you dont know me and I dont know you I'm yet again lost with my feelings and no one to talk to. I hate that you make me feel that I'm consumed with my feelings of you. As I sit here and type and tears fall down my face because there is no one that knows who you are to say how I, Natasha really feel about you. And at this point it will never be understood how I really feel about our relationship that is really going nowhere. Love…. Is all that we share… but its that fucked up word (Commitment) that is missing.

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