Anything....Everything....Nothing

First let me say this....THIS IS MY LIFE...

I'm getting sarcastic remarks about a party that I know absolutely nothing about! She mentioned her birthday and doing my hair in no specific order and BOOM!...I'm placed there by association. How can you be pissed at me because of someone elses shit? Okay readers, I'm gonna be pissed at you because one of my other readers didn't tell me about a party that I have no control over at another readers venue...sigh!!! Why does this always happen. I've opened up my entire life to you and you get upset at me. How about how I feel when you have family gatherings that I'm not even invited to. I'm at home alone. I make up excuses to my family about your whereabouts as I sit at home alone...

It's about to be me and my kids and fuck the rest. If we cannot mesh our families by now we never will and it is never to be. "Tired of Waiting" that's my life. Wrapped up in someone's selfishness which is leaving me with depression. It's not fair. Tired of getting comments like " I dont know what you do when I'm not there" ..my response at this point is "change it and be here and you will know exactly what I do" even though at that point I will be sleep because I cannot sleep when he is not here. So lame to love someone so much that it hurts. I do love him and I do care but considering the circumstances we just cannot be with one another. So why do we continue and let things get worse because we both know in our hearts that it will never get better? I've been here giving my all and I don't want to say that he isn't but not the way that I want him to. I want to roll over in the bed to him in the mornings, go to sleep with him in my evenings and that is just not going to happen. I want to have a family and move forward but yet I'm going backwards.

I dont want him to choose between me and his kids because to him that's what he thinks that I'm asking. This is NOT what I want because if I had to make the decision I would choose my children over any relationship! I just want him to make a better commitment to me at which he cannot do. Why keep going thru the struggle I always ask myself? Because of love...what is love? Did I blog about the definition of love once before? What about other expressive words in a relationship? Such as:

Love-- The feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection for someone or something. I have that. I feel that for this person. Strongly to the point where it hurts.

Devotion--profound dedication to someone. I also have this. This also hurts.

and then there is Commitment- often viewed as the decision to stay with your partner for life. Commitments may range from simple verbal agreements (not to become emotionally and/or sexually involved with other people) to publicly formalized legal contracts (marriage). However, commitment is more than simply agreeing to stay with your partner through bad times. Commitment means being devoted to doing things to nurture the relationship and protect it from harm and to fix it if damaged. Both partners care about each other's needs and must be willing to put each other's needs first--including being willing to make personal sacrifices for the good of the relationship. The partners should be willing to depend on each other and feel secure that each will be loyal to each other and to the relationship.

That is where everything falls apart...at commitment. I dont want a commitment of a timeblock, i want the commitment of a lifetime. Dr. Tracy says that commitment comes in steps:

You begin dating every Saturday night. --Well sort of, kind of...this was nice
You miss each other whenever you're apart. --Always, every moment of every day
You agree to make your relationship monogamous --Albsolutely, wouldn't have it any other way!
You make future plans together--Can't do this...
You begin seeing each other all weekend and during the week as well--More like two blocks of time during the week and a block on Saturdays.
You sleep together almost every night--Not even hardly. I would kill for this day.. these moments.
You're happy with your relationship 90 percent of the time--I cant say that I exactly am. I love the person. But the relationship is far from a relationship.
You spend vacations and holidays together--Never
You give each other little gifts--I try...
You meet each other's families--He's met mine...not the other way around.
You discuss finances--For what, I'm still tryin to have "my time"
You move in together--No...
You seriously discuss having children together, or not--I wanted another child.....he said no...opportunity gone for a lifetime for me.

You start to acquire property together (anything from a VCR to a house) and co-mingle monies in some way--No...
You marry or make some other form of lifelong commitment to each other--No...it takes two. Yet another painful realization.

According to Dr. Tracy how long does the process from meeting to marriage take? A typical and reasonable time to progress from meeting to marriage is two years. C'mon, really. I can't get this man to spend the night frequently let alone marry me...ugh! The heart is some fucked up drug that poisons your soul. And if loving someone is done right, it should never hurt.

What we have is a Romantic Love where it bonds individuals emotionally through intimacy and physically through passionate arousal. What I want...yearn for is Consummate love, the complete form of love, representing an ideal relationship. Within this love there is intimacy, passion and commitment. To have all three would be like dwelling in the heavens.

Now I understand that men express love thru actions. I also understand that there are some signs that tell you that a man loves you:

When a man loves you, he will seek to meet your needs--what needs are the question here...

He will be supportive--..............

He will respond to your emotional needs. Does he do his best to make you feel secure?--Of course he does, but the problem is that what's the point in being secure if its only while he is here...hence my frustrations...ugh!!!

He'll make a commitment to you--Again, this is where I'm fucked!!! I'm really starting to hate that word!

I put this section in red because my heart is bleeding. Now, this is what I do know. He loves me. I see it in his face. I love him…I feel it. But why can’t we get to a point where we just say that we gave it our best shot. I honestly believe that if I knew that feelings would get involved considering the circumstances, I know that we both would have agreed to not pursue anything. Before we could get a handle of what was going on it was already too late. Now what?... that is the burning question. When we discuss breaking up it’s never an understanding. I’m made to feel guilty for not “hanging in there”. He’s already expressed that things don’t happen overnight and it will not be forever. But my stance is that there is a hell of a lot of time between me dyin and forever. And why is this feeling from me okay with him? I wish I could speak to him and ask these questions but it always ends in an argument. Him getting defensive as if I am accusing when all I’m looking for is answers. All I want to know is a timeline. I feel so much like an outsider in his world. A nobody...nothing. I want to talk to you. I want to feel you...I cant do any of this thru a text message. We are not teenagers yet adults. If we cannot TALK now there is nothing that can be put in a text message to make it right. In a different time and place someone could handle this situation. But I cannot. I'm not strong enough to handle this. I have failed and I do not do failure at all. All my life its been about what my partner wanted and never about what I want. I dont ask for much. And in a normal situation I know that you would give me what I want. But there is nothing normal about our situation and i'm hurting....badly. And when I tell you that I dont want to hurt anymore the response is "dont". How insensative of you. There is no fault in this at all. No one is to blame. It just happened. I admit to falling for a man that cannot catch me. And I fell hard so the impact is going to cause a lifetime of pain. Scars on top of my already opened wounds. We both are caught in the middle of love's hell. Wow, me using oxymoron's. I'm impressed. In this cyber world where you dont know me and I dont know you I'm yet again lost with my feelings and no one to talk to. I hate that you make me feel that I'm consumed with my feelings of you. As I sit here and type and tears fall down my face because there is no one that knows who you are to say how I, Natasha really feel about you. And at this point it will never be understood how I really feel about our relationship that is really going nowhere. Love…. Is all that we share… but its that fucked up word (Commitment) that is missing.