Surrendering To Love...

Sitting here and wondering why I took the road that I did in my past I'm realizing that I may not have necessarily have done things quite the way I really wanted to in hindsight. I surrounded myself with wonderful people that influenced me greatly as a woman and just as a human being in this so called world. I was a creature of no nonsense and no tolerance for anything but really what was I afraid of? Afraid to grow, be successful and most of all to love and be loved. I think that I had that once before, no I know that I did. What did I do to dismantle that love?

It started with an arrogant comment that lead to something more. Something that was so beautiful beyond words but I will at least try to help you understand. We had so much in common. Enjoying evenings of just togetherness that lead to the most intimate of times that were literally breath-taking. Hearing the words "I love you" were just enough to send my heart into overdrive. I would think about this man constantly and when we were apart we were together. Talking on the phone until I would fall asleep and when I woke up he was still on the phone listening to me sleep. At first it was creepy until I asked why he did it for him to respond "I want to be there when you wake up and need me." Wow, where was this man from? So intelligent to me, I would call him a walking genius but yet so normal. I'd look forward to seein him in my daily routine. When we couldnt be together I would make sure that there was something with me of his to wear, to be close to, to feel his presence around me. Without thinking I would randomly look at my phone and he would call out of nowhere.

Things were going good. We were so much in love. I would entertain the thought of being the mother of his child and in time the mother of our children. Family was everything to both of us. It's hard to imagine that we had so many plans for our future together that it didnt actually keep us together. I guess its true that people do grow apart. Not just for bad reasons but just for reasons that we cant explain. As time goes by that person turns to a memory of what you wanted, what you needed to survive. And if you are so blessed in life to encounter that person again in life, what would you want to know about the progression of our separation? I posed the question and wasn't really prepared to hear the truth, the response, the reality. My question to him was simply "why did you leave me behind?" he responded "figured you didn't want me." I thought about this for awhile before replying back "I didn't say that." and quickly he replied "you didn't say anything."

How do we teach ourselves to move on so quickly? And how do we go from in love to not speaking. How do we pick up where our lives have ended and we have started anew. How do you tell the person that you've always loved that you still have that love in your heart for them...I think I just did...