I Wear No Masks...

What's wrong people ask. Are you okay is the next question. At this point my very blunt, unedited and graphic response is just this:

I'm dealing with stupid shit everyday! I'm dealing with "girls" (and I'm not talking about my children) everyday that want people to feel fucking sorry for them on a daily basis so you can just..I dunno, think about them maybe. I'm so fucking tired of dealing with insecure GIRLS that want to blame everyone for their fuck-ups in life. Instead of doing what the fuck they were taught they decided to do "other shit" that got they asses caught up and now they want sympathy for their short-comings. I'm realizing that the word "family" doesn't mean a damn thing to some people unless they are benefiting from it. I'm also understanding that apparently I had this silver spoon in my mouth and got everything handed to me on a silver, no wait, platinum platter (because some people think or imply that I'm perfect). The truth of the matter is this. I know right from wrong and I also know that It took ME making a decision to change my life. I believe that I have done the very best possible to get myself to where I am today. Now, I apologize that your mother or father did not hug you enough ( and I am not a compassionate person like that either) but that didn't mean that they didn't sacrifice for you. RESPECT THAT! Ya'll's issues are not my fault...their yours! If you feel like you got the short end of anything go to the source which is not me! It is not my job to run to you and say 'job well done' that's your parents place if its due but the fact that I'm not up your ass or calling you or catering to you does not mean that I owe you anything other than conversation if I should want to converse with you. So at this point my only words are FUCK YOU! GROW UP! MOVE ON!

Now, I'm also dealing with a lunatic that has only grown in body and has the mind of a 8 year old. So for you GIRL, please see above because that shit pertains to you too! I am sick and tired of GIRLS trying to get anything/something for nothing or expecting someone to jump thru hoops for their bullshit but this WOMAN right here will gladly pass on the bullshit that you are serving. The fact that you breathe my air is troubling to me. The fact that I really wish that your air and my air was slightly different and maybe you could possibly choke on that shit so hard that it would bring you to your knees and then you can have every fucked up moment flash in front of you and you then evaluate your decision and realize and say "I FUCKED THAT UP" no anyone else. The word for this post is ACCOUNTABILITY! Can you actually say that you messed up? I remember when you did. I remember when she did and so did he. But the difference between me and ya'll is that I admit when I fuck up and then the process goes as such.."F.U.F.IT" which simply means "fuck up fix it!" Now there is something else to choke on while I know you're getting more and more pissed....and guess what.... I DON'T CARE!

This life that I'm in right now is so abnormal that I really want to just buy a ticket and go... no destination in mind. No people in mind to visit when I get there. It's in so much disarray that I personally don't know whether i'm coming or going. But I do know that I am not in control of it. I'm spiraling into this place where I just don't care. I don't care if my words hurt you, I don't care if you get upset. Everyone has baggage. I swear we do but the question is whether it's a badass Swiss Army indestructible bag or just your basic bag that came from family dollar. The difference between these sets of baggage is simply this: the owner! If you carry your baggage confidently then there is nothing to worry about but if you walking with that FD bag and hiding behind trees, cars, telephones, court papers or whatever tha fuck it is that came with that shit...FIX IT! That ain't my job. I may help and maybe because I know what I'm doing I can help you but what you won't do is take me thru changes that complicate my life and you are not trying to be ACCOUNTABLE. What you are doing is allowing someone to control YOUR LIFE. That's great and fine but ummm.... fuck all that shit! I'm tired of dealing with bullshit of someone else's past. I don't have shit like that going on in my past AT ALL. There is only so fucking much that one person can take and today I'm saying that I'm so cool with biting my tongue. Thru blood covered teeth from the punctures I say this....DEAL WITH THIS SHIT!

I'm I guess a different kind of person. I don't require a pat on the back to get me going, a pep talk to get me motivated. I know what the fuck I'm supposed to do in this life right here! And guess what, it's not to pity you. I don't have time for that mess. Get your shit together! Get order and focus in your life. It's like a fucking math problem. Add up all your fucked up shit and divide it by the good shit and find your "MEAN-ing" of your life. I really hope someone got that and I know that it was waaaay over some of your heads, but I refuse to "dumb-down" anything else. You betta come prepared with a dictionary; Merriam-Webster, Logman, online, pictures...hell grab tha fucking urban dictionary if you have too!

What was the word again....ACCOUNTABILITY...Just because you made a fucked up decision in/with your life does not mean that I need to be there to pull you out your trenches. Their YOURS....deal with it! Everyone take care of your responsibilities....all of them! Do you boo...do you. People quit acting like Facebook is the bible and everyone is out to get you or is talking about you when probably in reality you are the only one talking about it to make you seem more important than what your relaying in your physical form. Walk the fuckin walk! Man, oh man, I starting to sound like my Uncle Jim and dropping all kinds of "F-bombs" but this is where I am with all this shit. Let's understand together, Mark Zuckerberg wanted to create an atmosphere where you could connect with friends, share how you feel, check-in to where ever the hell you are and then he gave us the ability to do this thing that looks like "@type a fucking name here"...............................wait for it.........................did you see that??? He helped you make people accountable for something. Example being this, @Brian Wilson, you still piss the most excellent piss ever. You get it? What I just did right there was make a statement to Brian Wilson and he knows that it was directed to him therefore holding him accountable for the piss. The validity of it all is that you can go to http://brianpissesexcellence.blogspot.com/ and see that 'lil chocolate cartoon figure with a perfect fade straight pissing excellence from his pants.... pause for you to check it out............. or when I put down @Terrance Cain, why exactly are you singing with a Santa Claus beard on in your video on your page.... again, you can go there and see truth of what I'm talking about.......another pause..... check it out. Now when i say something like "I really wish you would get your life together and make something other than a spectacle of yourself" then it's up to you to understand that it was a general statement and nothing further.

As I begin to finally bring this rant to an end, I'm still a little heated because I'm giving my 200% in this life and I feel that everyone should do the same. Realistically I'm giving my 100% and it symbolizes the properties of this: "The part of a whole, which is ITSELF only the part of a greater totality" Read that statement, and then read it again. Now think about what it means to you. "Mask" are for cowards! Be who you are and be satisfied.

So in closing I say this...I remove people from my life and there are others that remove themselves and I tell you this....THANK YOU, because you have just helped me realize that in the words of my girl Evita "You were a non-muthafuckin factor" in my life anyway!

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Motivation....

It seems that I've surrounded myself with the people who TRULY love me in my life. It never fails that when I 'm having one of those days that I can go to a certain person's FB page and the status will be something that I can relate to in that moment. So when I felt the need to speak to somebody I logged in and saw the following:

"Anybody who is doing their thing and working hard at achieving his/her dreams, doesn't have the leisure to hate or kick dirt on anyone else. So for those out there discrediting another persons character...yours is ALSO in jeopardy...remember that" and also the posting of "The one CONSTANT thing in life is CHANGE and how you REACT to change determines whether you GROW or "STAGNATE". Some People are doing the Same thing(s) they Did years ago."STILL" complaining and "STILL" in the same situation with the "Woe is Me Mentality". If you don't believe me Look at all their Status updates...."

Although you were not there for me to call today I did reach someone that I hold in high regards that was able to talk me thru where I needed to be in my mind. Having me refocus on my life and to have a better understanding of others. People like these two men and my husband's encouragement daily is what drives me to be a better me and to be a better person to others. Never looking down on anyone only to hold out my hand and lift you up to a greater level. Sometimes such actions are harder than others considering the circumstances but you have to be the bigger person and just say "I LOVE YOU" and leave it at that. There may never be words that need to proceed afterwards just merely walking away and letting them know that they can count on you when you need them.

Who would have thought that you can take so much intellect away from something so "comic-al"... Now I understand it clearly and its crisp like the ripples in Lake Michigan "Did it ever occur to you that maybe...just maybe...if you’re nice to people, they might LET you rule the world?" I challenge you to figure out where that came from. And then read it...contemplate it...read it....comprehend it....read it....believe it....read it.... be it!

~SinSiNattie~

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To My Veterans...

To all my Veterans... I give thanks for the sacrifices that you made with your life and your families so I may live peacefully at home with mine. I Also want to thank the families of our military as well. On this day remember to not just recognize the fallen soldiers but the ones that you see here at home as well. Although they are home, their fellow "brother" or "sister" my still be active, and for that soldier it still feels as if they are imbeaded in war or detail. It was your willingness to give freely and unselfishly of yourselves, and even your lives, in defense of our principle. It has given our great country the security we enjoy today. So in closing I say THANK YOU and your services are APPRECIATED.

Have a Great day, and not just for this day but for the rest of your lives.

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Statistics say.... I'm International!

Today I got the shock of my life when I finally logged in to see how my blog has been doing since I posted last in Aug of 2011.  So this is what I saw:

There has been over 3,500 visitors to date and this blog has been read by individuals in the following countries:

• United States
• United Kingdom
• Philippines
• Canada
• Australia
• Vietnam
• Italy
• Germany
• Russian Federation
• Mexico

Your favorites:

• The main page... What you see as the latest published blog   sinsinattie.blogspot.com/
•  sinsinattie.blogspot.com/2010/10/diaper-dutyp-discovery-center.html
• sinsinattie.blogspot.com/2011/02/games-that-bitches-and-bitches-play.html
• sinsinattie.blogspot.com/2011/02/shielded.html
•  sinsinattie.blogspot.com/2011/07/baby-momma-drama.html
• http://sinsinattie.blogspot.com/2011/02/i-am.html
•  sinsinattie.blogspot.com/2010/10/daily-show-with-jon-stewart-presents.html
•  sinsinattie.blogspot.com/2010/06/nabiscowtf-did-you-do-to-my-nutter.html
• http://sinsinattie.blogspot.com/2010/06/top-10-reasons-not-to-date-black-woman.html

I know that I always say "fact over feeling" but this really does feel quite great!  Thanks everyone for supporting me:)  I love you all!

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What's Your Card?

25 years to life is what the Judge sentenced him Tuesday, October 25, 2011.  Now after all is said and done, so many people are so upset around the outcome. Soooo...

Let's look at the facts:  Marcus Isreal, 23 from Middletown, OH stole a Cadillac SUV from a bar in Middletown back in May 2011. He then led the police on a high-speed chase (in excess of over 100mph) that ended with him hitting and killing Officer Dulle (who was placing stop sticks in the road). Isreal himself was ejected from the car and found shortly after the crash.  Officer Dulle was pronounced dead at the scene.  

What people are sayin:  I've chosen Fox 19's public page as the source as the people opted to "comment" and let the world see and I WILL NOT remove names (for accountability purposes) BUT I will remove the "linking" so you cannot go directly to their page.

• Rebecca Thompson-- Well that's what he gets for going like 120 mph and killing a cop! Duh! They need the electric chair back!
• Ashley Vogele-  What a piece of crap. Lock him up and throw away the key.
• Karen Daniels-  I wonder how people would feel if it was a white boy who caused the officers death,yes he should have to pay for the crime..but did he do it on purpose,seems he got more time than a person who kills someone intentionly
• Chuck Yackeyonny-  Karen, color doesnt matter. The P. O. S. took a life trying be a bad ass. He deserves to die!
• Missy Niebling-Nonnamker- And there it is!!!!!!!   The race card!  Shocker!!!!!!!
• Missy Niebling-Nonnamaker- Why does someone ALWAYS have to make it about the color of someone's skin????? I don't give a crap what color the criminal is !!!!!! A crime was committed based on stupidity NOT COLOR!!!!!
• Shelli Caudill Frazier- Never takes long for someone to make it a race issue, does it?? Regardless of the color of ANYONE'S skin...he killed someone! Going 120 mph running from a cop is not an accident.....even if you are white!!!!!!
• Kellie Gantzer Williams-  Hey Karen... Newsflash: he was found guilty of murder by a jury of his peers... And to be convicted of murder the Prosecution has to prove INTENT... So yes, he in fact DID intend to kill Sgt. Dulle... This case had nothing to do with race from the beginning... Don't bother bringing it up now!
• Heidi Trusty-  ‎@Karen Daniels the color of his skin ABSOLUTELY DOES NOT MATTER! The simple fact is his ignorant ass stole a car, had a gun that he purchased off the streets to in his words go to Dayton and handle business, led police on a high speed 18 mile Chase. During this Chase he ran 2 other officers off the road before he hit and killed Officer Dulle. Rather he intended to do it is neither here nor there. Common sense hello I'd you are driving at speeds in excess of 100mph trying to run from the cops someone is going to get hit if killed. Your comment is what's racist NOT the jury!
• Greg Crouse-  i feel bad for the cops family but im sick of how people thart flee from the cops get the stop sticks thrown down they crash into a cop then get charged with murder!its the risk that comes with the job!i guess they should put warning labels on stop sticks that say Warning when sticks make contact with tires the car can and most likely will crash out of control throw sticks at your own risk!!he will appeal! no african americans on the jury!thats just wrong and yes im white!i wouldnt want an all black jury if it was me out of general principal!ohio is the weirdest f*ckin state
• Brian Sheperd-  I have to ask , why is it EVERYTIME a black person is convicted of a crime and is found guilty its a race thing ? Whenever a white person committes a crime and gets the SAME punishment you never hear a damn thing about race being an issue . Any other state would have shot and killed him as should had been done here .
• And finally.... "They should have had more African Americans on the jury. That's all I have to say," said Isreal's mother, Carla Comyra.

Okay....That's enough!  I'm all over this craziness.  Keywords that stuck out to me: electric chair, white boy, stupidity. Really people what the hell is really the issue. This kid was driving 120 MPH! The last time I drove at those speeds I know I hit a squirrel, a bird....something!  Honestly I have never driven at those speeds but the reality is that that is reckless behavior!  It DOES NOT MATTER what race you are at all.  People quit tryin to throw that crap out there like it really matters.  Now I understand that you have "followers" which are just people that think like you because you are so closed-minded to the real world but damn, damn, damn!!!! Stop it!!!.  And Ms. Comyra, honey, sweetie….there are qualifications to become a juror!

·         be a United States citizen;      

·         be at least 18 years of age;

·         reside primarily in the judicial district for one year;

·         be adequately proficient in English;

·         have no disqualifying mental or physical condition;

·         not currently be subject to felony charges; and

·         never have been convicted of a felony (unless civil rights have been legally restored)

I’m gonna let you figure out why the hell the jury consisted of who it did!  Sit the hell down!  Did you not know that a jury consists of your peers? Yes ma’am…YOUR PEERS! The fact of the matter is that in 2010 Warren County had a population of 212,693 people OF WHICH 3.3% consisted of African Americans. So, let me break this down... The reality of Marcus Isreal's trial is that....let me pull out my facts....His “peers” statistically are WHITE therefore the trial consisted of a ALL WHITE jury. Even further breakdown… Your peers are people who are equal in such respects as age, education or social class etc.  With all that said…. So Freakin what! This is not racist!  Racism is the belief that inherent different traits in human racial groups justify discrimination.    People do the math!   Quit making yourself look so damn ignorant!  

I really hate that people can be so damn ignorant.  The race card has to be played everytime for what reason?  Let me throw out this scenario:  All black jury and Officer Dulle’s race was African American, what card would have been played???  And there you have it! It all falls down to ACCOUNTABILITY. So the questions are this simple:

          Did Marcus Isreal hit Officer Dulle…….YES!

          Was Officer Dulle Killed in this incident…..YES!

          Did Marcus Isreal INTENTIONALLY KILL this Officer….. YES!

Let me explain this.  I don’t think he woke up and said “I’m gonna kill an officer today” but I do believe that when you “flee” (run- I hate dumb’n down shit for people) and you decide to put other people in danger by you driving like an idiot going 120 mph that reeks INTENT! You intentionally decided to be a dumbass and now you have to face the consequences.

NUFF SAID! I "fold" my hand!

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*****KROGER RECALL*****

Recall Alert

Kroger Asks Customers to Check Refrigerators and Freezers for Recalled Ground Turkey

Cargill Ground Turkey Products Under Honeysuckle and Kroger Labels Should be Returned to Stores for Refund

*Update: No Smith’s stores, including those located in Arizona, New Mexico and Nevada, sold ground turkey products subject to this recall. The release below reflects this update.

Cincinnati, August 04, 2011 – The Kroger Co. (NYSE:KR) family of stores in 25 states is participating in a voluntary recall initiated by ground turkey supplier Cargill late yesterday.

Cargill announced a Class I voluntary recall of approximately 36 million pounds of fresh and frozen ground turkey products, due to possible contamination from Salmonella Heidelberg.

Kroger customers can visit www.kroger.com/recall for the list of products subject to the recall sold in Kroger’s family of stores. The Cargill website lists all of the affected products and retailers.

The recalled items were sold in Kroger stores in Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Illinois, Indiana, Kentucky, Louisiana, Michigan, Mississippi, Missouri, North Carolina, Ohio, South Carolina, Tennessee, Texas, Virginia and West Virginia;Dillons and Gerbes stores in Kansas and Missouri; Baker’s stores in Nebraska; Fry's stores in Arizona; King Soopersand City Market stores in Colorado, New Mexico, Utah and Wyoming; Food 4 Less, Hilander, Jay C, Owen's, Pay Less and Scott's stores in Illinois and Indiana; and Ralphs, Foods Co. and Food 4 Less in California.

Not included in this recall are stores the company operates under the following names: Fred Meyer stores in Alaska, Idaho, Oregon and Washington; Smith's stores in Arizona, Idaho, Montana, New Mexico, Nevada, Utah and Wyoming; and QFC stores in Oregon and Washington.

What Kroger is Doing

Kroger has removed affected items from store shelves and initiated its customer recall notification system. Customers who may have purchased the affected products will receive register receipt messages and/or automated phone calls. Kroger is also placing signs in stores in meat departments.

What Customers Should Do

Kroger is asking customers to carefully check their refrigerators and freezers for recalled ground turkey due to possible contamination from Salmonella. Any opened or unopened products included in this recall should not be consumed and should be returned to their local Kroger family store for a full refund.

Kroger customers should look for ground turkey products under the Honeysuckle and Kroger Ground Turkey labels with a “use or freeze by” date between February 20, 2011 and August 23, 2011.

Consumers who have questions about the recall may contact Kroger toll free at 800-KROGERS (800-576-4377) or may contact Cargill’s consumer relations toll free at 1-888-812-1646.

Consumers are reminded that proper handling, storage and cooking of ground turkey offers the best protection against food-borne illness. According to the USDA, when ground turkey is thoroughly cooked to an internal temperature of no less than 165 degrees, any harmful bacteria are destroyed and the ground turkey is safe to consume.

Kroger, the nation's largest traditional grocery retailer, employs more than 338,000 associates who serve customers in 2,449 supermarkets and multi-department stores in 31 states under two dozen local banner names including Kroger, City Market, Dillons, Jay C, Food 4 Less, Fred Meyer, Fry's, King Soopers, QFC, Ralphs and Smith's. The company also operates 785 convenience stores, 359 fine jewelry stores, 1,035 supermarket fuel centers and 40 food processing plants in the U.S. Kroger, headquartered in Cincinnati, Ohio, focuses its charitable efforts on supporting hunger relief, health and wellness initiatives, and local organizations in the communities it serves. For more information about Kroger, please visitwww.kroger.com.

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"Shared" Nonsense

I love how a one point conversation turns into bullshit and the comment "I'm gonna do what I want to do in my house" appears to be the only response that you can give. I have NEVER underestimated the fact my kids have the best care when they are at their Aunt T's and Grandmothers house. In fact she has been the best FATHER to my kids thus far. All I said is that Your kids would like to spend time with just you and I gotta hear a "family speech." Give me a fuckin break! I know all to well about FAMILY because I've been doing the entire family thing for several years now. Tell me how many music recitals, basketball games, gymnastics meets, student council meetings, parent teacher meetings that you have attended? Then tell me how many times you have helped with homework assignments, after school projects and do you even fucking know where she goes to school?! When my baby is sick and she comes over who nurses her back to health, not you.. her Aunt does! When my kids are there period who tends to them and their needs...Their Aunt and she doesn't have to but she understands the situation! And I do understand that she has taken them on vacations that she didn't have to and I APPRECIATE her for it and YOU were not there so don't talk to me about it! So I don't even know why the fuck that was brought up in the first place. I know who's taking care of my kids when they are away from me and it puts my heart at ease. I know that this summer and every summer previously has gone good without a hitch because of T. I love and appreciate them for all that they have done for my kids!

Now let's get to the real fucking fact! Do not bullshit with my kids and give them excuses they don't deserve that. They deserve the opportunity to spent time with just you like they spend time with just me. We have days just us girls and we have a great time! All i'm saying is that you have a nephew that sees you EVERYDAY!!! So, why is there an excuse to them when they ask to go somewhere with just you? This is like fucking Déjà vu. Just like back then I'm going to do what's best for my girls and what makes them happen (within reason). Time does not cost money!

Wake the fuck up fathers! What is it gonna take for you to get it thru your heads that not just anyone wants to be with you and round you....not just anyone...your children. At what point do you realize that as today is not promised to anyone you would deny your child the most precious thing that you can offer...TIME! Get this, you don't have to "save" up for it at all. All you have to do is agree to it. But the fucked up part is that instead of agreeing with it you made an excuse. EXCUSE- A reason or explanation put forward to defend or justify a fault or offense. Yep, that's sounds about right! What happened to ac·count·abil·i·ty ( I enunciated so you and others could understand), ACCOUNTABILITY! Hey, that's a word to keep in your mental dictionary at all times. Accountability- an obligation or willingness to accept responsibility. Just like the last time. I think that this is again Déjà vu. My obligation as a parent is to protect. Protect them from hurt and harm. I am hands on with them at all times. Someone fucking with my kids will get an ass-kicking on a level of 1-5 and I have never given anything under a 5 to ANYONE when it comes to them! I'm relaying messages that they feel uncomfortable relaying themselves and now I understand why....because when the conversation is over they are not allowed to use the word BULLSHIT!

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Baby Momma Drama

As I grew up I never understood the meaning of a "Baby Momma" until now. I have watched women keep children from their fathers all because they said that they were done with your crazy ass not their kids. Women why do you do this? What exactly are you gaining from this?

While doing some research on the meaning of a "baby momma" the definitions are clearly different to different people. Wikipedia defines a "baby momma" as a mother that is not married to the child's father WHILE the Urban Dictionary defines them as the following (prepare yourself please):
-Some chick you knocked up on accident during a fling who you can't stand but you have to tolerate cuz you have a baby with her now.
-Someone who takes the money that she is supposed to use to take care of the kid and spends it on rental cars in the summer, buys hair, gets nails done and pretends to be a baller with her child support to impress all her friends who all thinks she a loser for losing such a good man.

Now I guess the drama parts just comes natural with these baby mommas. Maybe its a prerequisite to the course of baby momma 101 to have a semester of "drama" 102. Why do ya'll feel the need to blow up his phone every 2 minutes? You leave dumb ass messages on his phone saying shit like "I don't need you and you can keep your money?" Well bitch if that's the case why are you at the welfare office trying to get him on child support. Hmmm.... I just don't understand women these days. I have this saying "I was running my household before you and when you're gone, honey clockwork is still the way its gonna run." Ain't nothing like being trapped in a relationship that you know that when that is tired of your ass he gonna POOF be gonna and you gonna be stuck. Why are you stuck....cuz you didn't set your purpose before that man walked thru that door. Ladies please get your game together! Do you first, then your kids. Quit trying to "punish" a man that no longer wants to be with you. And if I recall it right I believe that you was on the phone dogging him out to everybody saying that you wish he'd leave. Now that he gone....tears.....why??? Oh, I'll tell you why! Because now you have to GROW THE FUCK UP and be an adult. Wow, how bout that. Be grown...hmm...what does that mean? It means that you will need to get it together and worry about you and how you gonna eat, sleep, and live without a man that you depended on because you was lazy and selfish.

I'm so glad that I'm not a baby momma myself but I have encountered a rather different one these past few months. As my girl Evita would say "a ratchet ass baby momma" is what this chick is. Honey if you don't need him...quit calling! God works in such mysterious ways that everything that this RABM tried to do she got back 10 fold. Everyone saw thru the lies and she cannot understand why she is the only one in her circle. Wait! To make a circle you need more than one person...two would give you a line...three would give you a triangle...four a square.......well damn, ya'll know where I'm going with this. But at what point do you hang up the drama and move forward. Ooh, ooh, ooh... I know why! Because without someone in your life you are nothing and that's a bad place to be.

Life is not a game....well, maybe it is!

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One Year of Blogging... Overdue!

So as my year of blogging has apparently come and gone so quickly (3/25/2011), I've noticed that this blog was in "draft" mode for over 3 months lol! Goodness, I need to be better! Again, as my readers/followers are better than I am and not to name my biggest Fan...Brian- he whom pisses excellence reminded me then and I just got to busy to publish it until today. So that means that that I have been officially blogging for over a year! To be exact for 475 days, 12 hours, 18 minutes and 22 seconds or 1 year, 3 months, 12 hours, 18 minutes and 22 seconds (and ticking)!

I have had so much going on in my life that I have lost sight of what it is that I love to do; what's important to me. Now everyone can probably remember when I wouldn't go no more than two days without putting something out there for you to read. Even if it was "................." with a in the middle of the screen (at least it was something).

So my committment to you will be to go back to the way that it was...no excuses! And I know that there are some of you that will hold me to it (Evita, Val, Brian and probably errbody else).

When things are working out to none the less the best of what it should I should still have something to fall back on and that thru the years has always been my writing. So writing I shall do. No matter how hard things get or how great they are, its always good to just acknowledge that it is what it is and if you can't change it "Bless it" and keep it moving.

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------>>>> Real Life<<<<------

When enough is enough and the silence is finally silent...what will we do then? When feelings get replaced with all the facts of emotions will we still be around? Screams of hurt in not just the physical form capturing moments of life that shouldn't even be mentioned but yet it is...daily. In such a manner that it is not enough, silent, or felt in any way depicting any emotion. Injuries or as some would say "battle scars" will prevail to let you realize that they were hidden for only a short period of time. Each holding a name or title at which you actually strategically placed upon it to remember why that scar was there.

At what point do you let go of "what it feels like" and just move on? Move on to the reality of just life as it stands. "It is what it is" is my favorite saying because what it is maybe bullshit or a blessing and whatever the event may be both can bring you joy or pain. Was it a divorce? Depending on the person at which filed the paperwork the petitioner (blessing) or the respondent(bullshit) lol! See, like I said...joy or pain. Was it a new position at work? Your co-workers may call it bullshit but to you its a blessing. See the pattern...It all depends on how you feel and how you choose to let it affect you and your life.

When life spins you in a direction that you would rather take the detour is it because you are scared of where it will lead you or are you nervous about whether or not you can handle it or not? I've grown to learn that sometimes it is both. Currently i'm not either of my "spin" in life but I'm sure as hell cautious of the situation. I've been here before and tried to tackle it gracefully but my version of graceful is quite different. I'm not saying that I didn't stub my toe or remember to do the most important of things but I'm saying that I got thru it. With the help of myself and 2 more people (me and I). Why bring the burden down on someone else when you are perfectly capable of maintaining the upkeep of self. C'mon, I still got limbs to fall back on. I do not require my hand to be held at all.

Focus on the unfocusable (hmmm, I think I just made up a word because "unfocused" just looks dumb) who can do that with a million other things going on right now. I really had to giggle to myself and hopefully my mom doesn't read this (but I know she may and ....i'm sorry) but I'd like to think that i'm "unfuckable". Yes you read it right! Un-fuck-able...and I'm not talking about sex in anyway. I'm talking about the fact that I believe that nothing will fuck with me in a way that it will determine the outcome of my life. Only I can do that! Let's go to the Urban Dictionary ya'll (cuz I'm sure Webster's is not gonna support my theory)... UNFUCKABLE: Something that is so amazing, so perfect, so awesome that you just can't fuck with it. Nothing in the world beats it, it's the best of its class (i.e. Unfuckable). Yep, that's me.

LHM, why did I dabble in the Urban Dictionary too damn long and find: LAMC (lyin ass mutha f'n Coefficient...WOW! I know one of them...maybe 5 of 'em. The actual value of the LAMC fluctuates depending on the relative purity of the LAMC in question and must be adjusted accordingly. A LAMC of .8 or .9 is only appropriate for a "part-time" or "fly-by-night" LAMC, while a true, pathological LAMC often necessitates a .1 or even a 0.5 lol!

Okay, well it was bout time that I posted something in preparation to the "real" post that hopefully will be published sometime this weekend (gotta lot of research to do but I promise it will be worth the wait).

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A Beautiful Mess

With every snag of my wedding rings it becomes more real. I dated this man for the last time on May 29th and was determined to have him "date" me to the fullest that day. As we awoke (yeah right, me...sleep..nah!) on the morning of May 30th it seemed like just another day. We ran to Meijer to grab a couple of things and headed back to the house. Normal conversation, normal attitudes, and just a normal day. No time for thoughts to really cross my mind other than "drama-free".

I just need (wanted) this one day for nothing else to exist in the world but us. Well, of course it seems that people sense when others are happy and they want to make an appearance to say "i'm still here to "f" with you (in not so many words). When will all this mess be over?!

This is day 5 of my marriage and it all has seemed like a blur. I look at the pictures at least 4 times a day and watch the video maybe once or twice. I think I missed it! Yes I was there, and I said "I will, for better, for worse, to love and to cherish, and ending with I pledge thee my faith" and for an entire 45 minutes of our new life nothing else existed. But as it grew closer to the end of the night it didn't feel any different. It was just another day of good food, laughter and anything and everything to keep our minds off of other things going on in our life. So this is what I'm struggling with today. That day (my wedding day) was not my day. It was a borrowed day from someone that decided to not "f" with us long enough for us to do what we had to do. Our lives right now are not "ours" it's controlled by someone that refuses to be accountable for their actions. We are puppets dangling from strings of whatever the color of choice is that day for this person. Our biggest hurtle as a married couple is conquering this "demon" that is determined to rip us apart. I'm not speaking in a literal term but in the sense of that the uncertainty and misjudgment, and purely two different entities tackling the same beast but first WE have to be on the same page.

Anthony Robbins said it best and I couldn't relay how I feel more directly than this... "You are at a crossroads. This is your opportunity to make the most important decision you will ever make. Forget your past. Who are you now? Who have you decided you really are now? Don't think about who you have been. Who are you now? Who have you decided to become? Make this decision consciously. Make it carefully. Make it powerfully."

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Life Changes

My life is changing so much these days for the better and can only imagine where this journey will lead. I've found the love of my life and I wouldn't change a thing. Times that we spend together only confirm that this is where I want and need to be.

Now that we have found our happiness I'm trying to figure out where the hell other people's convictions are. If I love this man and he loves me, what's the real issue? Nobody knows but us what we've been thru to make it back to each other. Thru circumstance and time we drifted from one another. Trying to fight the feelings that we both shared for each other it was time that we realized that we couldn't run any longer from the inevitable.

Time is changing and a brighter horizen is near. I look in the eyes of this man and I see myself smiling back. The only reason that I am able to smile is because of the man smiling back at me.

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I've been distant from writing lately as there have been some things that have been going on in my life that I really need to displace. I do reflect what I feel into my writing and frankly the things that I have been dealing with is unimaginable to the "normal" person. I guess that the lesson that I need to learn is that again I need to lower my expectations of people so the disappointment in them doing wrong is not such a heavy blow. When do people just "get it" and something in them says "what am I doing with my life, and how does it affect others?" People cannot just NOT care can they? Sitting here as tire as I am I still find time to try to evaluate their mental capacity and it's breaking down my own. On a brighter note, besides all the drama floating around, I found myself. I found myself in the form of a man that looks at me and there are no words to describe the feelings that are felt. An unspoken word that is so clear. It's like drinking a ice cold Sierra Mist! Getting that sudden refreshment feeling that is fast, intense and surprising. I'm happy to surround myself with my circle that has showed me unconditional love throughout everything when I thought that I just needed to run and hide. And please understand that by me saying "run and hide" it means so that I don't choke the shit outta you for being ignorant. I'm done with drama. I'm ready to he happy, been ready to be happy....So leave me alone and let me soak all this in!

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The Games that "Bitches" and "Bitches" Play...

First let me explain this title as it is more graphic than most things that I write. Well these days have been filled with so much drama that It's come to the point where I've lost track of names and have replaced the name and the actions with the words "Bitch". So instead of me referring to you as Jane or John it's just simply "bitch" and whatever you did was a "bitch move!" So this is what's been the issues that have been turning me into that alter ego bitch Nattie;

Listen up because I'm about to let ya'll in on the game that "Bitches" and "Bitches" play.

You already know that I'm to a point where I really need to say

Aint it funny how the one guy said that he would treat you like a queen

You know, the one who every time you was in trouble gave a shoulder to lean

He would do so much crazy shit that you couldn't believe

And even tho you knew it was gonna hurt you, you had no choice to leave

You claimed you felt my pain when I told you about the others that broke my heart

And you also claimed that you was faithful ever since the start

But now I know better and all ya'll wanna do is hit

But because of this ya'll seeing that us females are on that same shit

There's gotta be something wrong when I can't trust you in tha 'Nati

Or are these just the thoughts of me, ya girl...SinSiNattie

Cuz right now I feel like why should I get played by the "bitch" when I can be the player

And I can save all that lovey dovie shit til I'm over 40 or later

So until then why not be like young money and fuck every "bitch" in tha world

You already showed me that you don't care if you fuck your homie's girl

Apparently nobody is faithful to these relationships anyways

You played me once so now that's the skill that I demonstrate

Females be like the men and see what they can get

And remember we on that same shit now when we get done just like ya'll "who's next"

Now I'm not calling every female and every dude a "Bitch"

But if the description describe you then the description fits

And ladies just because one "bitch" broke your heart

Of that pain, the next man and every other "bitch" in the world didn't have a part

But ladies since we gonna be on that same shit and do dirt

Remember not to put your feelings on the line and get hurt

You see, that "same shit" is just a TRUST problem

We have to at some point TRUST that they are different and it wont be a problem

But this is just the game that Bitches and Bitches play

And hopefully they'll find true love.... one day.

As for me I'm on that "new shit" and that word TRUST is no longer in my vocabulary.

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Shielded...

From the dark corner I see your face

The beauty of your face lightens up my day

But you don't know the feelings I feel inside

I feel, you don't

But I never tried because

My shield is up but i'll let it down for you

But I won't let you throw my heart in circles

But please know that my love is for real

I never chased your love

But I'm afraid

Afraid of getting crushed to pieces

But how will I know if these walls are up?

And should they be with you?

From the dark corner I see your smile

Most beautiful thing I ever saw

The sweetness of your voice reminds me

That I believe I've chosen an angel

I feel, you don't

But I never tried because

From the dark corner I see your being

A person that is just as scared as me but won't admit

The same tension that empowers our souls

Is the same tension that will force havoc and spin us into...

Yet another dark corner to watch each other and see what move is to be made

Who has built up the strength to move about this dark corner

I feel, you don't

But I never tried because

I've followed the roads that I've traveled alone

The lonely nights that I dreamed

It just takes that one risk, that one chance

But is it only worth it to me

Or are you comfortable in that dark corner

Apparently I am wasting my time

Because I feel, you don't...

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I am...

I CAN SEE RIGHT PAST YOUR COMPLICATED MASKS
GIVE A REFINED ANSWER TO ANY QUESTION YOU ASK
RAISE 1 OR 10 CHILDREN THROUGH STRUGGLE AND STRIFE
RUN A MAJOR CORPORATION AND BE A ACCOMODATING WIFE
CONVERSE WITH THE ‘BIG-WIGS’ OR SPEAK FLO IN THE HOOD
SAY “ABSOLUTELY TERRIFIC!” OR “WASSUP, IT’S ALL GOOD!”
PUT YOU IN YOUR PLACE, WITHOUT SAYIN’ TOO MUCH
I’M AN INTELLECTUAL WOMAN,

I POSSESS THE STRENGTH OF THE STRONGEST FOUNDATION
MY VOICE SPEAKS VOLUME HEARD THROUGHOUT THE NATION
MY HANDS GRASP RESERVATION AND TURNS IT INTO HOPE
AND THESE HANDS HAVE CUT SOCIETY’S “LIMITATION ROPE”
THERE IS NO LIMIT ON THE STRENGTH THAT I CAN AND WILL POSSESS
THE DETERMINATION I HAVE/ HAD, MY COURAGE OR MY PROWESS
THE FORCE OF MY INFLUENCE CAN BE FELT WITH ONE TOUCH
I’M A STRONG WOMAN,
........SO ADDRESS ME AS SUCH

MY HEART CONTAINS LOVE IN IT’S PUREST FORM
UNCONDITIONAL, ABSOLUTE, AND EVERYDAY REBORN
MY LOVE CAN SURPASS THE MOST GRUELING OF TESTS
IT SUPPLIES ASSURANCE TO MANY WHERE THERE IS UNREST
MY LOVE BONDS, AND SHAPES, AND MOLDS, AND HOLDS
IT BEGINS FROM BIRTH, TO 10 TO 30 TO “INFINITY-YEARS-OLD”
YOU CAN EVEN FEEL THAT WITHOUT PHYSICAL TOUCH
I’M A LOVING WOMAN,

THE PASSION THAT IS SWELLING, BREWING INSIDE
RISES TO MY SURFACE, IT NEVER HIDES
WHETHER IT’S DISPLAYED WHEN I TAKE A STAND
OR WHEN IT’S SEDUCTIVELY REVEALED FOR MY MAN
IT’S INTENSITY IS UNRESTRAINED, AND UNINHIBITED
AND JUST LIKE MY STRENGTH, IT IS UNLIMITED
IT CAN BE OVERWHELMING, FOR SOME, IT’S A BIT MUCH
I’M A PASSIONATE WOMAN,

INTELLECTUAL, STRONG, LOVING, AND PASSIONATE
SOPHISTICATED, POWERFUL, AFFECTIONATE, IMMACULATE
I’M NOT YOUR BOO, YOUR GIRL, YOUR MISTRESS OR A HOE
I’M THE CENTER OF LIFE, MORE THAN YOU’LL EVER KNOW
I’M YOUR SISTER, YOUR AUNTIE, YOUR NIECE, YOUR MOTHER
AND I STAND BESIDE YOU, NOT BEHIND I AM NOT YOUR COVER
I COME IN DIFFERENT SHAPES, SHADES, AND SIZES
AND NO ONE CAN DENY ME WHEN THIS WOMAN RISES
MY STYLE IS CAPTIVATING, THANK YOU VERY MUCH
I’M A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN,

NOW I WANT TO MAKE THIS ALL VERY CLEAR THAT THE ABOVE IS ME… TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT. I KNOW WHO I AM AND WHO I STRIVE TO BE. PEOPLE ENTER YOUR LIFE AND SOMETIMES MAKE YOU TAKE A STEP BACK TO “SELF EVALUATE” WHO YOU REALLY ARE AND I DID JUST THAT. AND AFTER THIS SELF-EVALUATION I FOUND THAT THIS IS JUST WHO I AM. YES, I CAN BE OUTSPOKEN BUT I WAS ALWAYS TAUGHT TO NEVER HOLD THINGS BACK AND FOR YEARS THIS IS WHAT I DID. I WILL NO LONGER DO THIS ANYMORE. I GIVE RESPECT WHEN RESPECT IS DUE AND EXPECT IT IN RETURN. JUST THAT STRAIGHT FORWARD. WHY IS IT SO HARD TO RESPECT OTHER PEOPLE THESE DAYS? WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO GAIN FROM THE DISRESPECT? THE RIGHT TO JUST SAY THAT I _________ DISRESPECTED A GOOD PERSON… WHAT’S YOUR ADDRESS? YOUR CONSOLATION PRIZE IS IN PROCESS AT THIS VERY MOMENT!

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